I.
The scope in which I write is usually from the perspective of someone who has had terrible things happen to them.. I would like to try something new. It takes practice, I am certain I can spin my vision and make it so that I am the influencer in my life. A positive one. I am the observer. So that's what I've been working on diligently for the past year. With the help of those closest to me, I was able to finally see the effects that alcohol had on my daily life. It was quilted by the normalcy of the constant consumption of it, also by the illnesses that came of it. It was warm under there. Where I functioned just enough to get my work done and have a few laughs, but behind closed doors I was a sick, alienating maniac that could not see through the bullshit I was causing. I did have my band. Us queerpunx and the ground we stood on for a time. I didn't drink at not one of the 10 shows we played that summer. When I began to detox, a lot of the masks I was wearing to function under the current regime began to fall. I felt reduced to nothing. "If I was no longer a drinker, than what the fuck was I to be?" That was my thought as I trashed my apartment again and began to harm myself in front of someone I love. I **checked in voluntarily** (thank you) at a close by Pyschiatric Facility. I had to be interviewed to get in. I was so sad, but very hopeful. A nurse greeted me, she was to scan my body and get me changed. My clothes were on the way (thank you). I told her i felt worthless and that I had hurt so many people, I thought I could not redeem myself. She had a very large scar on her face, it seemed to make her even more beautiful. She hugged me deep at that moment and I sobbed into her for what seemed to be forever in a moment. My mind raced. In her grasp I realized that she was living her purpose right then. I knew it. She wanted this. I do not remember her name but I remember her everything else. The first night was bearable. They gave me something for sleep. It was more like adult daycare than anything. There were people of all backgrounds and we all had an objective! To get better. I was excited about my interview with the doctors who would make an informed decision about my mental state and give me some advice to cope. I can't recall how many times I'd relasped up to that point. They said I had a "mood disorder".
