✔️✔️✔️

[a-hagar]

Don’t ask them  to stay,  Don’t do it, if they wanted to stay they would, It’s that simple.

you said you needed freedom, I didn’t realize I was a prison // A.H.  (via tender-souls)

[lovebrwn]

kinda feel like crying kinda feel like dying

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Living with depression is like living in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[nnchs]

I NEED TO WRITE

I feel like I need to write.

not that my life is interesting enough for people to read. I spent most of my time on campus studying or watching tv on my spare time. I don’t know what people write on their blog. do they write their train of thoughts? because if I write my train of thoughts, things can get pretty depressing.

or maybe lifestyle blog? dude. my life is a fucking mess. I don’t even want to correct the spelling or the grammar in this post. i eat garbage 24/7 and I hate most of the people around me. no one needs negativity. they got enough of that for themselves. i’m not vegan, I can’t cook. again, what i did in my spare time is watching pirated movies from the internet. or streaming tv shows illegally. 

that was the reason why I made this blog. I want to write. anything. the first two or three posts was me being depressing as fuck. talking about being stuck and shit. AND you know what? I can’t be bothered right now, i’m 21 and I feel like it’s all downhill from here. not in a bad way. just, my expectation in life will be decreased from now on. then i write review post, mostly tv shows and movies. i’m not sure if i’m good at it. i mean, i like doing it. i like to share how i feel about certain movies and whatnot. i don’t know if anyone read it, honestly? I don’t care.

i just saw my friend’s blog. she’s good at it. it’s like legit blog. not tumblr page. it’s blogspot page with real readers. she got readers. wait, am i jealous? maybe a little. she got way more interesting life than I do. she’s cool hippie vegan living in germany. she posts acai bowl recipe just because. she went for a swim in a lake in the middle of the forest just because. ahhh. i am jealous. ahhh there it is. my stuck feeling. aaahhh here comes the depressing post. again.

but you know what? no matter how boring my life might be, i will try my best to write. anything. maybe one day I will tell you the story of how I made my thesis ha! or maybe one day I will tell you about a dude i saw at the mall and get really deep about it. or maybe just review of some shitty movie you wont even watch. we’ll see.

see you on the next post. you poor poor soul reading this stupid post with no content whatsoever.

[frankocean]

I read in the paper that my brothers are being thrown from rooftops blindfolded with their hands tied behind their backs for violating sharia law. I heard the crowds stone these fallen men if they move after they hit the ground. I heard it’s in the name of God. I heard my pastor speak for God too, quoting scripture from his book. Words like abomination popped off my skin like hot grease as he went on to describe a lake of fire that God wanted me in. I heard on the news that the aftermath of a hate crime left piles of bodies on a dance floor this month. I heard the gunman feigned dead among all the people he killed. I heard the news say he was one of us. I was six years old when I heard my dad call our transgender waitress a faggot as he dragged me out a neighborhood diner saying we wouldn’t be served because she was dirty. That was the last afternoon I saw my father and the first time I heard that word, I think, although it wouldn’t shock me if it wasn’t. Many hate us and wish we didn’t exist. Many are annoyed by our wanting to be married like everyone else or use the correct restroom like everyone else. Many don’t see anything wrong with passing down the same old values that send thousands of kids into suicidal depression each year. So we say pride and we express love for who and what we are. Because who else will in earnest? I daydream on the idea that maybe all this barbarism and all these transgressions against ourselves is an equal and opposite reaction to something better happening in this world, some great swelling wave of openness and wakefulness out here. Reality by comparison looks grey, as in neither black nor white but also bleak. We are all God’s children, I heard. I left my siblings out of it and spoke with my maker directly and I think he sounds a lot like myself. If I being myself were more awesome at being detached from my own story in a way I being myself never could be. I wanna know what others hear, I’m scared to know but I wanna know what everyone hears when they talk to God. Do the insane hear the voice distorted? Do the indoctrinated hear another voice entirely?

[delilahtheodora]

Cinderella Never made it to the ball She got a phone call The girl she loved Loved her back after all Aladdin Gave all his three wishes away To three children So they could live another day Snow White Never kissed a prince that night She met a guy she loved Who loved her unconditionally She said ‘that’s good enough for me’ Prince Charming With a bandage rapped around his head Found a friend in God Who was sitting at the end of his hospital bed And he said It’s ten past eleven… Race you back to heaven? Sleeping beauty Only slept long enough to dream And when she woke up She made her dream come true And so should you.

Delilah Theodora - Fairytales I’ll tell my children (via delilahtheodora)

[crashingwaves-burningsouls]

I know what I feel for you isn’t quite love. Because you can’t love someone you hardly know. But you make me crazy, I do stupid things for you and I’m not even sure if I’m on your radar. I’ll walk the long way just to catch a glimpse of you smiling with your mates. I order coffee when you are in the line. I’m louder when you’re around. In hopes that you might just start falling for me too. I don’t love easily, there are people I have known for years that I have never said those 3 words to. But looking at you from across the room, I can imagine telling you ‘I love you’ every morning.

I think I’m falling helplessly in love with you, and I was prepared to spend my life alone. Then you ruined everything. (via crashingwaves-burningsouls)

[wnq-writers]

She fell in love with the devil so she turned her heart into a hell.

elegant-freak (via wnq-writers)

[wnq-writers]

A loving heart does not get angry. Just hurt, sad and quiet…

Katerina Isabella (via wnq-writers)

[inkskinned]

She called those who commit suicide cowardly and I couldn’t breathe for a second because In the bathtub of a hotel room, a 4.0 student broke open her veins and planted death where the skin split and lay with her head as far under the water as it could get but the fear of the end got too be too strong and she called for help and it was cowardice that saved her, wasn’t it and in the livingroom of his rich parents, the football star sits and stares at the gun in his hands and thinks about just clicking the bullet into place and finally getting this all over with but he can’t stop wondering if this is really for the best, he can’t stop the panic that rises when he thinks about the blackness, he can’t stop the thought of making his girlfriend cry until she collapses - so he puts the gun down and leaves it, carries the idea of how incredibly soft he must be if he couldn’t just do that one last thing I am more grateful to fear than I am to any other emotion. It has stopped the untimely end of so many of my loved ones. It has been the only wall between them and a headstone. It has been proof they are unfinished - it is their body rejecting the idea that they are unworthy because that fear? That fear is not failure. That fear is your heart, still beating, that fear is your lungs, still breathing, that fear is your bones, still ready to pick you up from the bottom and carry you to safety, that fear is your entire system rejecting the idea that you are unable to survive any longer, that fear is the primal part of your brain echoing through your nervous system just one whisper of desperation: stay. Stay. Stay. You are still capable of so much and so many good things. That fear is your heart, and she is waiting for you to remember love. That fear is your lungs, and they are still filling with hope every time you inhale. That fear is your bones and your skeleton, and he is so happy that you are the soul that came to inhabit him. You are electricity, you are synaptic connections, you are a beautiful creation of science and heaven, you are human - and some part of you wants to stay here, on this good earth where grass is still green and the sun still makes freckles on the faces of the people who turn to her and the moon still makes sure you’re tucked in sleeping and cities are still full of people kissing and you are still capable of dreaming so take the biggest risk there is put down the blade, my love, go out and live.

Someone told me: “I wish I had the guts to kill myself.”/// r.i.d (via inkskinned)

[nnchs]

Crimson Peak: a review (SPOILER)

Hi! I've been looking for a tv series or film to talk about on this blog. Aaand theeen, I heard that Crimson Peak is now out here in town!! So I grab my mom and my sister (I dont even care if my sister will be scared outta her pants) to go watch it. Maybe this review won't be as objective because 1) i love love love tom hiddleston (you can check out my obsession about him, here on my fandom blog) and 2) I've anticipated this film since last year, or maybe two years ago (maybe I'm exaggerating). But I promise that I'll try to be as objective as possible haha😜 

Here’s the trailer:

 Ok, now that you’ve seen the trailer, here we go: 

Positive

The cast assemble! Tom Hiddleston, Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chainstain are such a watch-bait casts! I think I can see the pain through Tom's sad puppy eyes HAHA (such a fangirl). And also I like seeing Mia on screen, I love her portrayal of peculiar characters (as Alice in Alice in Wonderland, or as India in Stoker) with some blood on her pale, pale skin. And it never crossed my mind that Jessica sweet appearance can play such a twisted character, which surprised me (I've seen her in The Martian and Interstellar, but I must admit that her character in both films didn't stand out, I actually forgot that she was in Interstellar).

The custome design!!!! Omg I'm in loooove! That dresses that both Edith (played by Mia) and Lucille (played by Jessica) are gorgeous! I wish I could travel back in time and wear that pretty dresses everywhere I go. My most favorite dress from the film is Lucille's night gown. That sheer, flow-y, white fabric is so pretty compared to my pajamas 😂. (sadly, I couldn’t find the picture of lucille’s nightgown, shame)

Romance + horror? Because I feel like I rarely see a film where the theme is romance and horror. But here, we got the thrill, we got the romance, everybody wins (and bonus point for Tom's cheeky bums) 

Negative

The storyline. It's a little predictable. The moment when Edith's mom warn her about Crimson Peak followed by the appearance of Thomas, I knew he is dangerous. And also the incest is also predictable for me (I actually laugh when I found out they are incest, it reminds me of Jaime and Cersei from Game of Thrones). But the fact that Lucille is the one that did all the "execution" is a little to no surprise. 

Plot hole. Here's what I've been thinking when the film ended, how on earth did Edith's mom found out about Crimson Peak? She warned Edith waaay before Edith met the Sharpes and I don't think that the Cushings even knew about the Sharpes back when the mother still alive. So my hypothesis is that Edith's mom met Mrs. Sharpe in the 'afterlife' and maybe the gossiping and ask Edith's mom to warn Edith (apparently these ghosts can predict the future too). But anywayyy let me know if you have another opinion about it.

well, that’s all I could think of right now! ask me if you have any question, or even some opinion about Crimson Peak, or anything really. See ya on the next rant! :D

[unfortunately-so]

I remember the first time you held my hand. I don’t know if it was because of the cold or the fact I loved you but fuck, I felt the world rush through my veins.

11:49pm sadness (via missyourlaugh)

[nnchs]

Hippest summer series 2015: The newcomer, Mr. Robot

I gotta admit that the first time I found out about Mr. Robot, it was from tumblr. I was in need of a fresh start of tv series because now that most of my summer tv series watchlists are over (OITNB which I kinda had a mixed feelings about it, Bates Motel which is kinda threw me off so I haven't continued watching it, and Hannibal, which too confusing to watch and I don't have the time or the mind to really find out what's really going on in Will/Hannibal minds). Now, I trust tumblr-people's taste on tv series, and this is not my first time finding out about new tv series from tumblr which turn out to be fucking awesome and turn me into some crazy fangirl (which by the way I still am, and i will always be) so I gave it a shot by googled the rating because I trust ratings from imdb aaand the rating is surprisingly high which is 9/10. Here’s the official trailers:

Ok, so long story short, I binge watched it for 2 whole days. AND I ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH IT!!!! So now, I'm gonna write some positive and negative reviews about it:

 Positive 

The storyline is so good. I gotta be honest the tagline "Our Democracy Has Been Hacked" really got me. I didn't know many tv series or films about hackers and such but I think Mr. Robot is definitely the kind of tv series that will be the pioneer of its kind.

I love Rami Malek portrayals as the main character, Elliot Alderson. I LOVE ELLIOT! I have this thing about conflicted characters, in this case, Elliot is kinda mentally ill. He's anti-social, probably has asperger's syndrome, and an addict (which he kinda denies it) that make him relatable just like any other geniuses with some issues (Sherlock, Will Graham, Walter White, you name it).

This is probably ridiculous reason to love this series, but I love Elliot's voice-over. I like how he somehow "interact" with us, makes us, the viewers, as his "imaginary friend". I feel like we're in some cool, adult version of Dora the Explorer (ok, probably not, but you know what I mean) and it kinda gives me the Fight Club vibes where we see Elliot's perspective where he can't actually differentiate what's real or not. And bonus point for Malek's voice. I. Love. His. Voice. And the way he talks.

The musics and score are gold! I gotta admit love some good film score like when I listen to it I can actually imagine the scene in my head. The dark techno backsounds fit the crucial scenes and add up the tension perfectly. The new song that I discovered from the series is FKA Twigs song Two Weeks, I love it so much that I put it on repeat and while I listened to this song I can totally imagine the scene in my head. 

Negative  To be honest, I have nothing particularly bad to say about this new hit. But hmm let's see if I could think of something:

The title! Oh my god, are you kidding me? The first time I found out the title I was a little weirded out. Like, why Mr. Robot? I gotta admit that it sounds like a k-drama title which is like putting two random english word together.

Since I don't know much about hacking world, I find it quite difficult to understand what's going on when talk about hacking terms like honeypot, DDoS, etc. It generally doesn't affect the storyline, it's like you're watching Grey's Anatomy without knowing about medical terms.

They bleep out the curse words. I don't know if it's just where I watch it, but I just enjoy it more if I actually hear them swearing haha. 

Okaaay, now I will rant a little about the series and it'll probably look like a weird spoilers and a little speculations you don't understand if you haven't watched it (STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANT ANY SPOILERS), but if you have watched it, let me know what you think: 

  Reactions 

I'm so sad that Shayla's dead! I cant believe that she died so early! I thought that she would be to regular cast of the show but there she goes and we don't get the chance to get to know her further :( *play Picture of You by The Cure* 

Tyrell Wellick!!!! OMG. I actually surprised to see him knocking Elliot's door! I never thought that they will work together (eventhough Tyrell clearly said that he thinks they will work together, which I thought just a sarcasm). Now that we know they're going to work together, I cannot wait to see them doing stuff together!! 

I am shocked when Darlene said she's Elliot's sister! When they kissed I was kinda happy for Elliot because he found a new girl after Shayla's death but NOOO Darlene shoved him and yelled at him which kinda makes me feel bad for Elliot and I just want to hug him hahaha 

Overall, i love all the surprises and the twists! Sad that we have to wait till next year for new season. 

 Speculations 

I think we will see more of Tyrell's wife, Joanna, on the next season. Whether she's up to something or help Elliot finds Tyrell. 

Something is off with Angela. I dont know how I got this idea, but I think Angela would be on Evil corp side and her friendship with Elliot will fall apart and they become enemies. 

Ok, I have no more speculation so far. I can't think of anything else right now. But there's so many unsolved mysteries here so let's just hope that 2016 comes sooner so we can watch the season 2 of Mr. Robot. 

That's all for the mini review of Mr. Robot! Definitely a must watch this year! You can always send me anything, rant, speculations, etc to my inbox! See you on the next post!

[writingsforwinter]

The Morning After I Killed Myself

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

[extrasad]

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

[martinawrites]

this need to be on everyone’s blog

[sleepybambi]

this makes me think..

[janoskipornhub-deactivated20150]

God bless whoever wrote this.

[ioanaslovesongs]

im crying

[troyler-with-no-e]

togami-salami

[little--firefly]

trebleclef1

[jesshdzx]

I’m legit crying

[pnut-butter-deactivated20150910]

this is powerful

[nnchs]

Turning 20

To me, birthdays are the time to reflect back to what I’ve achieved from my last birthday. It’s probably because my parents never really make a big deal birthdays in our house. We just buy birthday cake, give birthday wishes and do things like normal days. and today, me turning 20, is no different. My mom even forgot to buy birthday cake, she only lighted up one candle you usually use when the power is out and that’t it.

Back to reflecting what I have achieved this year, I actually a bit disappointed. Up until now, I still haven’t figured out what my true passion is. I followed Casey Neistat’s advice by keep doing things so I can figure out what my passion is but so far all I can do is just doing school stuff, I don’t have enough time to explore new things. I’m not complaining, well i tried to not complaining, because I know it’s too late for me to change my major (the extreme example). And I have to be honest that watching Casey’s vlog is actually keeping me sane. He gives good advices that sometimes my parents just can’t do (my parents are super awesome i love them, but sometimes they put so much pressure on me on being a perfect doctor and they don’t understand little dreams that I didn’t even bother to share to them).

Travelling is still my goal. Probably the only thing I am sure I want to do. This year I eager to go abroad and the result is I’m still nowhere near of the word “abroad”. it’s sad (I made a post about this before), but maybe from now on I will try to focus on one thing at a time. It’s always been my main problem that I cannot focus on one thing. I thought I am a multitasking kind of person but apparently I am not. so I hope that for years to come I can be more focus on things I care about, things that are matter, things that are important.

Lastly, being 20 is like a huge step for me. It’s time to prove my worth in this world. It’s time to stop thinking about unimportant stuff behind. It might be scary since I am scared of the future but I hope that next year I can look back at myself right now and not being disappointed. the last hope for myself is as I grow older, may I go wiser.

(my birthday is officially over 36 minutes ago (right now is 12:36am August 6th, 2015)

[larmoyante]

I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.

Her (2013)