Statement of Mr. Kayne Myers regarding his connection to spiders and where it led him. Statement taken directly from subject on [ DATE UNKNOWN ]
Have you ever found yourself in a situation you couldn’t control? It can be a terrifying thought, being a puppet controlled by someone… or something, and not being able to do anything about it. Knowing there is a possibility of that applying to you is the factor that determines the fear. If you were blissfully unaware, why would you care? Perhaps it’s better to deny that possibility. People always think you have to be some kind of mastermind to successfully influence someone’s way of thinking. Everyone thinks they are immune to propaganda and whatnot, it’s always someone else who is “stupid” and “easily manipulated”, right? It’s just an illusion, biased optimism generously seasoned with the fundamental attribution error. All of us are influenced every day. And the funniest part is you don’t even realise that most of the time. No, you believe you have free will, that all your decisions are made by you and no one else. Isn’t that fascinating?
I used to think I was in control of my life. It was a nice thought, given the lack of stability that followed me throughout my childhood. My parents had many issues going on and I spent most of the time listening to them argue. I learnt very quickly when to ask for things and when it was better to stay hidden in my room. They finally divorced when I was thirteen. It was… a relief, to be honest. They were both trying very hard to make it seem like not much had changed, like we were still a family and all that. It was bullshit. I felt all the discomfort and awkwardness they felt whenever we were all in a room together. I realised I could easily get stuff from them by mentioning how difficult the divorce situation was for me, even though I cherished every day without the yelling and the fighting in the house. I liked to think I had them wrapped around my little finger. It may sound selfish but would you judge a child for something like that? Divorce affects people in many different ways.
I once asked my father for a pet spider. I had always wanted one, the creatures fascinated me. I loved reading about them and admired every web I saw. Do you know how a spider hunts? Most of them sit quietly at the centre or at the very edge of the web, waiting patiently for a fly, moth, or other insect to entangle itself in the sticky silk. Once the prey gets caught, the spider detects its frantic movements through vibrations in the web. That’s how it knows the meal is ready. You probably realise how intelligent that hunting behaviour is. It suggests spiders are capable of learning and problem solving. There is even a theory that they can detect human fear. Interesting, isn’t it? Why would a spider need to detect that?
I managed to convince my father to get me a greenbottle blue tarantula. She was absolutely gorgeous and… from the start, it genuinely felt like she liked me. For some reason, that spider looked at me and I understood what she wanted perfectly. And I am sure she somehow understood me too. Without any words. At some point, to my mother’s horror, I started carrying her around with me. I would go on long walks and wander around the neighbourhood, sometimes further into the city, and I would take her with me on my adventures.
It was on one of those longer walks when I first paid attention to that old, abandoned building a few streets away from my school. I’d never thought of going there before that day, but… at that moment, I felt drawn to it for some reason. With my tarantula on my shoulder, I felt brave enough to enter through a window. It was empty if you didn’t count the webs all over the place. They were everywhere. I was so excited to look around and take pictures of them that I didn’t notice the number of spiders crawling from every corner of the room towards me. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of spiders surrounding me and getting closer and closer. I ran so fast when I realised. No amount of love for the creatures would make such an experience any less scary. I went straight home after that and put my spider in her terrarium before bed for the first time in weeks.
I was not very liked by other students throughout my teenage years. The thing about being queer is that your peers often give you the word for what you are before you even know the meaning of it, not to mention understanding your identity and coming to terms with it. The boys in my school apparently had an issue with anyone who didn’t care about football or other “manly” activities they enjoyed. And it seems I wasn’t manly or cool enough to at least be left alone. But you need to know I was not a shy boy. Far from it, I stood up for myself and talked back, often gaining myself a bruise or two. But it was worth it.
My attitude certainly came in handy when they started picking on the new guy. He was quiet and never defended himself, never fought back, and I couldn’t just watch them straight up bullying him. He was the reason I punched one of the bullies that day. My hand hurt so bad but there was no time to think about it, I had to run for my life. I ran through the streets, desperately trying to lose them between the buildings, but they kept following me. I got an idea to hide in the only place I could think of they would not dare catch me in. The old house full of web and spiders. I entered through the same window as before and realised I made a mistake as soon as the boys followed close behind me. I was trapped. There was no escape.
They pinned me to the wall and for a moment there I thought it was the end, I thought they would beat me and leave me there to die. The guy I had punched was yelling something at me and the rest was laughing. I didn’t have the courage nor the energy to argue with him then, I was too busy getting ready for the first punch. When he started approaching me with his fist in the air, I closed my eyes. And instead of a painful punch, I felt the others letting go of me as a loud scream left the bully’s mouth. I opened my eyes, all confused, and… I saw her when I looked up.
She was magnificent. And so big. I swear to you, the kind of spider I saw that day… it’s not possible. It’s absolutely not possible for a spider to be that size. She attacked my bully and we knew there was no way we would get him back. So we left without him, ran so fast everyone forgot why we ended up there in the first place. No one mentioned that thing to the teachers, and no one mentioned it to the parents. The guy was announced missing the next day and no one said a word to the adults. I think they all wanted to forget. But how can you forget a thing like her?
I came back to the House of the Spider two days later. I needed to see her again. I wasn’t sure why, but I did. I felt… Alright, it may sound ridiculous, but I don’t care. It felt like she was defending me. Like she knew I was in trouble and she took that guy so he didn’t hurt me. Or maybe that’s what she wanted me to think. Perhaps that was her way of getting my attention. Either way, it worked. I found myself standing in the middle of that room again, and on the ground lay a human sized object fully covered in cobwebs. There was no way to know what it was, and yet I was perfectly sure what it was… Who it was. I felt sick. I wanted to leave but suddenly, I felt something crawling up my arm. Somethings to be precise. They were crawling all over my body and I couldn’t move out of fear. They wandered under my clothes, covered my eyes and I had to keep my mouth shut so none of them would crawl in it. There were so many of them. I lost consciousness at some point.
I don’t know how a person is supposed to feel after surviving something like that. I don’t know how long I was lying there, passed out and vulnerable. I was sore and mildly confused when I woke up. The body covered in cobwebs was gone. I found myself wrapped in some of them as well and I quickly freed myself. There was a clicking sound above me and I knew exactly what was making it. I looked up, heart racing in my chest like never before. And she was there on the ceiling, watching me and staring right into my eyes.
I said I felt the connection with my pet spider. Let me tell you, that was nothing compared to what I felt when she looked at me in that empty house. I knew what she wanted from me and I knew she was fond of me. I don’t know how, I just knew it. The Mother looked at me through the eyes of that spider and she made me feel loved.
Standing there, staring at her, I realised I was always going to end up there. I was always going to find her nest and I was always going to be embraced by her. Everything I had done before led me to that moment and prepared me to serve her.
I embraced the Mother and with that came acceptance of the fact that no one in this world has free will. No, there is always something out there that controls you. You can deny it all you want, but that’s the truth. Every single one of us is a puppet. And I know how to pull the strings now.
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