lol what the fuck

yo. whaddup. bonjour. I'm Brian. And that's basically it. I'm writing your story backward for a happier ending. and I would have stayed up with you all night; had I known how to save a life.

[nobrian]

If you’re wondering what kind of grown man gets stuck inside of a McDonald’s play place--it’s me. I’m the kind of grown man that gets stuck inside of a McDonald’s play place.

[comerpwithme]

STRANGE SENTENCE STARTERS —— for the creative writer in you. Send these in and see what your partner comes up with as a scenario!

*These are completely interchangeable, they’re just in categories to make it easier for all of y’all.

FOR AMIGOS;

“How many times are you going to do that, exactly?”

“You were right. As per usual.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the lines you’ve drawn until you’ve crossed them.”

“You’re surprised because you have a soft spot for hot blondes.”

“Is that – that’s a naked Scarlett Johansson on your fridge.”

“You can stay, but for no more than two nights.”

“Please don’t look in this drawer. Please.”

“I told you not to pick him up, he’s very sensitive.”

“Yes. I might have given you rabies. But in my defense, that’s ridiculous and I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, my cell phone data coverage does not cover the bullshit zone you’re in.”

“Hey! Give me your pants. Quick, give me your pants.”

“No, I’m serious. Stop it right now or I won’t give you the last cookie.”

“You think I’m kidding. But I’ve never been more serious about anything in my entire life.”

“How much would a stripper cost and why so much?”

“I’m going to buy you a drink. Next week. On Thursday. When I get paid. Can you swing this one?”

“Hippos are hungry, hungry! And you are considerably larger than a small piece of lettuce!”

“When I was little, I used to be afraid of mummies. And now look at me. I love dead people!”

“I don’t even miss my ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, I just miss my glockenspiel.”

“It happens to everyone, you just sell your skirt for some coke.”

“Please do not pull your pants down in front of baby Jesus.”

“That’s not the phrasing you want to use.”

“Because nothing says heterosexuality like a gold sash.”

“Please don’t take it out on my boobs.”

“When it gets really windy I look like a bizarre combination of Marilyn Monroe and Cousin It.”

“We have to change our names and run away to Mexico. It’s the only way. Adios.”

“How much money do you have on you?”

“Please tell me that’s a raisin and not a tiny hamster shit you’re eating.”

“Life is a lot better when you put things on your head.”

“For someone who’s not very deep, I’m incredibly not shallow.”

FOR LOVERS;

“I need you to remind me what it feels like to love you.”

“I love you. What? No I don’t. Forget I said anything.”

“I need you to tickle my feet but like, sexually.”

“If we got married, would I have to take your last name? Or could we just make up a new one?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“I heard you say his/her name in your sleep last night. Want to explain or should I just leave?”

“I want to spend the night with you tonight. But I also want to sleep on your side. And without you on the bed. So technically I just want your bed.”

“Please don’t be proposing to me in an empty parking lot.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry, you stupid fucking broken record. It’s done.”

“I’m not jealous, I’m curious. About the things you were doing. With him/her. Without me.”

“Your mother’s looks could kill. Actually, are you sure they haven’t before?”

“If you’re breaking up with me tonight, can I at least eat first?”

“Stop sweating. It’s not attractive during sex, and it’s not attractive now.”

“Are you – are you checking me out? In the line for the confessional?”

“We have to go. I might have told your mom I’m pregnant. I don’t know why I said that. I’m not.”

“So what you’re saying it that you’re snorting sugar to get excited for sex.”

“My dog licks better than you do.”

“But through every stupid thing you do and say – and those are a lot, by the way – I love you.”

“I don’t care if you’re growing another head. I’ll talk to both of them. I love you.”

“And I’d take fifty years of not talking to you for just a day of doing so. I promise that’s a compliment.”

“I don’t want to hide this anymore. I’m not some dirty little secret, you American Reject.”

“This is a bit too dramatic for my taste, so can we skip it and have sex instead?”

“I don’t want you to think of me as your personal sex toy.”

“Thanks and all, but that makes me feel like a low-class escort, so.”

“A kiss in exchange for every nice thing you say about me. Deal?”

“Promise me you’re not like him/her. I need to hear it from your mouth. Promise me.”

“Look, I’ve had my heart broken before. I’m not ready to let you in just yet. Anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me here. Anywhere else, okay, but not here.”

“I wish I could say that was the worst sex I ever had, but I’ve had worse.”

“I just blew you. Could you look a little happier about it?”

“I’m attracted to shiny things, so if it looks like I’m staring at your chest, it’s because I am.”

FOR TEXTERS;

[text] This is upsetting my poop.

[text] Hey, are you up? If you’re not, can you wake up? I need some help.

[text] So it involves feces and large birds.

[text] She said that to you? Why?

[text] Please come back. I miss you.

[text] What are you good for if you’re not gonna bring me ice cream?

[text] Can you ignore that last text? It wasn’t meant for you. I’m sorry.

[text] …did you just send me a nude?

[text] FUCK OFF YOU ONE-EYED WHORE.

[text] I don’t know why I said that.

[text] Leave it to you to fuck the simplest of requests up.

[text] Do we have to go to their wedding? He’s only my first cousin.

[text] How much does ‘I love you’ mean to you?

[text] I am not stalking you. But you should do something about your bathroom, it’s gross.

[text] Please. I need this so badly.

[text] I trust you completely.

[text] I’m a genius. You’re a peasant. Everything makes sense again.

[text] Hey, buddy! Got like, five hundred bucks I can borrow? Times ten.

[text] She lost it. She completely lost it. She said her uterus was attacking her bone marrow.

[text] I will not get you donuts.

[text] Please? I love you.

[text] I think I’m gonna go to sleep now, but you keep thinking that.

[text] I can’t say this out loud. They might be listening.

[text] I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think he’d duck when the ball came at him, I’m sorry.

[text] You’re cute.

[text] I just need you to understand how important you are to me.

[text] Fuck off.

[text] Okay. Guess we’ll leave it at that then.

[emmelineberry]

You do?

[nobrian]

Yeah!

Tumblr is supposed to be some sort of safe haven. How can it be anything like that if people don’t welcome you here? 

[loganandersons-blog]

It was terrifying!

[nobrian]

I bet it was.

So what’d you do after that? Hit it with a towel? Scream? Call the fire department?

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

Oh you know I think it is kinda crazy, but sometimes I think people should let other people be a tiny bit crazy. I have no idea if that was the movie you said, I was very small, and I obviously pushed all memories of it aside. We would need depth psychology to find that out. Oh? Really? Thank you. I have no idea how I earned that privilege but I am very thankful for it. 

[nobrian]

Yeah, for sure. I’m not in any position to judge. 

We’ll stop talking about it, if that helps. Even though I am a psychology major and could probably figure it out. I’ll refrain, as it’s totally unnecessary. I invite most people. It’s just one day out of the month where I move shit around in my apartment, rent a bunch of great movies, and order a whole lot of food. It’s a good time. Plus-- it’s something to look forward to. If your day isn’t going right, or you feel like nobody wants to talk to you, you can always hit me up.

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

I watched a movie in which he played the main role as a kid and somehow that movie traumatized me. I have still no idea what happened exactly, my Dads told me that whenever I saw him on the screen I would flinch and look away and suddenly get all nervous. Nowadays I know it’s a psychological thing but still when I see him on the screen I zap away as quickly as I can. 

[nobrian]

Wow. That’s really something.

Are you talking about Big? Where he makes a wish and becomes an adult when he’s actually thirteen? Anyway-- that amazes me. He’s such a big part of my life. I’ll definitely keep you in mind whenever I have movie nights. You’re invited to those, by the way. 

[emmettclarington-blog]

Honestly? I’ve been studying. And by studying, I mean doodling all over my notes as I pretend to read them. Please put my out of my misery.

[nobrian]

That’s my favorite way to study, actually.

I’m on a coffee kick right now, and I have a passenger seat in my car with nobody in it, and you’re welcome to come with me to Starbucks if you’d like. It might distract you from the endless piles of homework.

[thesawyersmythe-blog]

Fair enough.

Um, obviously. When would I ever turn down seeing my favorite bro and especially getting free pizza?

[nobrian]

I was hoping you would say yes, because I ordered chicken wings and cheesy bread, too. I’m gonna make you watch this really weird movie with me. 

[loganandersons-blog]

I don’t actually know what happened, although I’m going to assume there was faulty wiring or something. But I put the PopTarts in there, turned away and the next thing I knew, my toaster was a ball of fire. Oops?

[nobrian]

That’s amazing.

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

Well because it is weird, very weird. I mean I tried to watch Nightmare before Christmas so many times and I can’t understand the hype - at all. It just seems very weird to me. 

[nobrian]

So, what’s your problem with Tom Hanks?

[emmettclarington-blog]

You had me worried for a second, there.

[nobrian]

What are you doing today?

[emmelineberry]

Hello, Brian Smythe. Thank you for the warm welcome.

[nobrian]

Of course. I hope you like it here.

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

I only like that one movie - so I wouldn’t understand that. But I know many people who love Tim Burton. 

[nobrian]

He’s intelligent. I enjoy his writing. It’s just weird for me.

[nobrian]

@quinniefabray: People are being slow, I take it? Did you spit in their order?

@tfbrian: @quinniefabray I mean, no. I can't really imagine grabbing someone's bag of food out of their hands and spitting into it. I don't work there.

[emmettclarington-blog]

In a fun way, I hope!

[nobrian]

Oh, absolutely.

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

You really should watch it. It is awesome.

[nobrian]

My ex had a really concerning thing for Tim Burton.

[calliexberry-deactivated2016010]

OH MY GOD! THANK YOU! And…. CORPSE BRIDE! I love that movie. And you haven’t seen it yet? You have to. 

[nobrian]

You’re welcome.

I didn’t really have any interest in watching it.