hello and welcome to another completely ordinary episode of Weird Biology, where all our facts are 110% verified and I am absolutely not making any of this up. promise.
today I’m going to introduce you to a very special creature found across the American West! you’ll find this critter anywhere the mountains touch the sky in a way that just makes you want to throw your cowboy hat on the ground and holler. yeehaw!
the Jackalope is a Fearsome Critter that resembles a jackrabbit with deer antlers. despite their looks, Jackalopes are not actually related to either jackrabbits or deer. their closest relatives are the Bavarian Wolpertinger and the Swedish Skvader, and together they tepresent the only living members of the order Tete numquam relinquam.
Jackalopes grow to be around 20 inches long and 6-8 pounds. their antlers may have up to 5 points, though 2 is more common. they do not shed their antlers like deer, but keep the same pair their entire lives (barring injury or antler theft by another Jackalope, which has been documented).
they also break into cars and rifle through the glove compartment for spare change.
Jackalopes are usually solitary animals, though they do occasionally gather in groups (called a Posse) to harass a predator or sing campfire songs together. they live on a strict diet of grasses, beanie-weenies, and smores.
unlike jackrabbits or deer, Jackalopes will only mate during a lightning strike. they are one of very few animals to do so (others include the Hide-Behind and the Common Yard Gnome). you’d think this would make them a rare animal, but may I remind you how much lightning the American West gets?
they aren’t uncommon, lets put it that way.
Jackalopes are found from Colorado to California, but are most common in Wyoming. in fact, the first documented sighting of a Jackalope was near Douglas Wyoming in 1829 (Jackalopes had been seen before this point, but as Jackalopes are nocturnal many of these sightings were misidentified as drunken raccoons wearing hats).
Douglas still holds an annual Jackalope Festival, and the Douglas Chamber of Commerce remains the only place in the world to get a valid Jackalope Hunting License (valid from midnight-2am June 31st, must have IQ no higher than 72 to apply). Jackalope hunting is unfortunately necessary to manage their population, as invading humans wiped out the Jackalope’s only natural predators centuries ago.
their only predators these days are taxidermists and tourists
population controls are also necessary because Jackalopes are exceedingly dangerous. irritable and aggressive, they will gore humans with their sharp antlers without hesitation. and since a Jackalope can sprint up to 90 mph, they are entirely capable of killing even bears with their antlers. in fact, they are often referred to as the Warrior Rabbit. (and that’s no joke.)
if you encounter a Jackalope in the wild, try to remain calm. quickly lie prone on the ground, and hold very still while humming the Roy Rogers song “Happy Trails to You”. if there is more than one Jackalope, fear not! you still have a few seconds to get your affairs in order.
(no seriously in case of attack by a Posse of Jackalopes, hurl an open can of beanie-weenies and run like hell in the opposite direction)
we recommend keeping an open can of beanie-weenies on your person at all times.
it is incredibly difficult to hunt the Jackalope, but not impossible. hunters simply take advantage of a few of the Jackalopes’ more ridiculous weaknesses.
Jackalopes are habitual drinkers and are attracted to the scent of whisky (single-malt only, they know what they like). they are also attracted to the dulcet tones of the harmonica, as Jackalopes have a crippling fondness for campfire sing-alongs (more on this later).
so if you see someone sneaking around in the brush with an open bottle of whiskey while humming discordantly on a harmonica, fear not! it’s merely your friendly local Jackalope hunter! (I mean, probably.)
maybe don’t stick around to find out.
Jackalopes communicate with a series of whistling tones, commonly called a “yodel”. out on the trail, Western evenings are often filled with the sound of yodeling Jackalopes. they are also excellent vocal mimics, and are capable of reproducing human speech. they often use this ability to confuse travelers, calling out things like “this way!” and “no, over here!” from the bushes. basically, they’re a bunch of dicks.
Jackalopes are also famous for being overfond of campfire singalongs. a Posse of Jackalopes will often surround a boy scout campfire from a safe distance, and sing along with the ruder camp songs. after the campers are asleep, the Jackalopes will steal any unattended smores and car keys.
they go for watches too, look out.
despite their general aggressiveness and dickish ways, Jackalopes remain a powerful force in Western popular culture. stuffed Jackalopes decorate gas station restrooms from Colorado to the Mojave, and their likenesses adorn cheesy postcards across America. truly, this Fearsome Critter is a force to be reckoned with.
it is our sincere hope that the legend of the Jackalope persists for a long time to come.
thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.
if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee so I can build a house out of empty mugs.
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