Here I sit in the apartment I worked hard for with a friend who’s been here with me through so much.
2021 was not a kind year to me. I tried to keep it a positive year. I truly tried. But life had ✨other plans✨ for me last year.
You know what’s wild? I cried more in 2021 than the last four years combined.
I lost my best friend in November. He was supposed to be getting married in three days. I was supposed to be the best man. He was like the older brother I always wanted. We were thick as thieves in the army. We were inseparable. I remember calling him literally a week before he passed. We talked for hours about life. He asked how I was handling everything (poorly but managing), how I liked the new job (love it. The coworkers are great, one is even good looking 👀), how I expected the rest of the year to go.
He was concerned because I stopped playing D&D. There was so much going on in life that I just…didn’t want to play. I still haven’t played. Not that that matters. He was concerned that I was struggling as hard as I was. He was concerned that I started drinking as hard as I was.
Now that he’s gone, I wonder if he’s proud of me. Is he proud that I managed to get an apartment? That I got a promotion at work? I wonder does he know how much I love him? That I don’t know how I’ll survive or function in three days?
The summer was…not a good time. I drank a lot. Like…so much. And it reminded me that, hey, I’m still an alcoholic and shouldn’t be drinking. Did it stop me? Nah. Drinking made me forget. It made the hurt and disappointment go away. It made a lot of things go away. That was nice. But it also wasn’t.
December was wild. I had back surgery again. Not super invasive or anything. It was the same procedure I got in 2014. One of those in and out type of things. The scar is still in the same spot. Medically, my back has the structural integrity of uncooked angel hair pasta.
Then it turned to 2022. I spent New Year’s Eve in the bottle, angry at the world. What else could go wrong? I sat on the floor in the hotel room cursing every deity, mostly God. According to my friend, I told God “Blow me, you coward”. That was around two AM on 1 January. Clearly I was ready to start the year fighting.
I still don’t play D&D. Mostly because I don’t find joy in it anymore. Then also because of other personal reasons. I still drink. But not as much. That same good looking coworker has taken it upon herself to monitor it. She’s great. I still miss my best friend. I feel weirdly empty without him. I still listen to the last voicemail he left.
It’s only just about to be May and now…I’m cautiously hopeful that maybe 2022 will be kinder to me than 2021 was. Here’s to hoping, lovely people
Sending you tons and tons of love 💕. So sorry for your loss.
