document of my brain

i think this will be a personal blog, but in a way, it's a document of whatever's going on in my brain. hello, my name is null, and i think i'm losing my mind.

[nullnumbskull]

welcome to my blog. this is a group venting and mental health blog for the @vocacharic system. we often post here without knowing whos fronting, but may choose to sign our names in the tags when we can tell.

you can call any of us they/them, or see our individual pronouns (and names) on our tagged main.

i don't know what this blog is. maybe it would be a cry for help, if i thought i could be helped. maybe it's a cautionary tale. maybe, i'll get better, and it's just a blog to have fun and make friends. we'll see. i hope i gave you a good idea of what to expect from it if you want to follow this journey.

we're transID, plural, transgender, and diarace.

dni if the above things bother you, or if you're pro-c for the big 3 paras, neutral-c for the big 3, or you post pro-ed

[nullnumbskull]

We don't know why it isn't working. We need to be gone, just gone for a while. Out of this rotten world. Why won't it work? We've tried to shift every night for almost a month. We hoped that, even if we failed, we could lucid dream, or hallucinate a happier world, just for an hour. Nothing. We just fall into dreamless sleep. Why won't it work? Is there no way for us to leave but that final way? I can't do this anymore. I need to leave. Why can't I leave? Maybe it's impossible for me. Maybe I don't deserve it. I don't understand, I've tried to many times.

[nullnumbskull]

I'm just an angry drug addict. I'm becoming my abuser by finding people to vent my anger on over small things. They do things that are wrong, but nothing that warrants how horribly I treat them. It's just an excuse for me. I'm becoming my abuser. I never want to be mean to anybody ever again. I act so nice online, but I'm so fucking mean in real life, you have no fucking idea.

[nullnumbskull]

I really should k word myself

[nullnumbskull]

I don't have a purpose and I think I won't ever be happy. Why am I here? Why was I given the burden of being born? Why must something so miserable be forced to exist? What's the point in a being that does nothing but feel pain? I don't understand why I exist, I don't get it

[nullnumbskull]

We're not good at anything. We try to learn, but we fail at everything we try. Everything. That's not an exaggeration or a hyperbole. Everything. I should just die.

[nullnumbskull]

The su1c hotline wouldn't even understand half of what goes through our head anyhow -Null

[nullnumbskull]

I'm a pathetic person. All I ever do with my entire life is complain. All I do is try to get people to pity me, even though I know most people are as sad and lost as I am. I want to feel better. But it feels impossible, so I want attention. I crave attention. I need it or I'll die /hyp. Why does it feel so different comforting myself and getting comforted by someone else? Why can't I be enough instead of forcing my needs onto anybody who will listen? I'm sorry for being the way that I am. I hope that everybody comes to hate me and no one ever worries about me. Were I truly a good enough person to truly care, though, I would obviously go silent and stop posting.

[nullnumbskull]

I'm really tired

[nullnumbskull]

Tw vent, paranoia, possible delusions (not sure)

I really believe some being of some power I don't know or understand is trying to destroy my mind. Maybe it's a parasite, whatever that is. When the community first told me about parasites, I couldn't front for more than a week for an unknown reason. I just couldn't. If I try to research them again, will I be gone for a while? Is something stopping me? Breaking me?

I still believe I could be a witch that needs to be killed, or cleansed in some other way if such a thing is possible. I'm sorry to vent here. I have nothing left anymore besides online venting, and I'm sorry for that.

[nullnumbskull]

tw suicide

I believe for myself that it's actually a good idea to end myself. Unfortunately, I'm too egotistical and afraid. There's really nothing enjoyable anymore. The only contributions I make to the world is screwing up everything I'm a part of. I have to fight myself not to fake sick to get out of work all the time, because I feel like all I do is cause problems my coworkers have to fix. That's how I am with everything in life. If I'm in constant physical pain, mental pain, and I make most things worse, it would actually be fine for a "person" like me to die. But I can't do it. I don't know why I keep waiting to get better. Living like this, I'm practically dead already, but I'm a financial burden.

[badtutmind-deactivated20230806]

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[purplezrb]

YES

[thing-offical]

PLEASE

[nonbinary-homo-offical]

Absolutely

[nullnumbskull]

tw vent and reality checking

I only want to be special. I want to believe I'm not useless. If it's possible that somebody could take that belief and manifest it to life, I am not that person. I suppose I don't have it in me to believe in myself.

Truthfully, I'm not an optimistic person. If I think about it realistically, I think the world is beyond saving. I would need some type of extraordinary abilities that I don't and can't have to do anything. That's why I tried to pretend. But I'm too useless to even delude myself. I'm so sick. Even now, I keep hoping someone will come and tell me that it isn't true, as if they would know, as if external validation could save me.

[nullnumbskull]

(tw vent)

I'm not really cut out for this. I don't know how one convinces themselves that they're worthy and capable and not insane. It's unlikely that none of us are crazy wannabes, so I'll take the burden of admitting that it's me. If I had any strength in me, I wouldn't post like this every day. I wouldn't keep making blogs specifically for posting like this. If I had value, it would reveal itself to me by now.

[nullnumbskull]

Internally debating the ethics of posting a cry for help

Which is funny, because much of what we post is basically disguised cries for help

[nullnumbskull]

I'm terrified of people I know finding my account, but in a way, I almost hope they do after the fact if I ever kms. I hope they'll see how crazy I was, how our sick excuse for "mental healthcare" didn't even try to help, and use me as an example for change

[nullnumbskull]

Who the hell am I kidding. Mental healthcare couldn't save me. Not even real mental healthcare. No pills will stop the rise of fascism in the world. No therapy would pay my bills without forcing me to work a job too draining for even the able-bodied-and-minded.

It's hopeless. I wish dying was easy.

[nullnumbskull]

I'm terrified of people I know finding my account, but in a way, I almost hope they do after the fact if I ever kms. I hope they'll see how crazy I was, how our sick excuse for "mental healthcare" didn't even try to help, and use me as an example for change