do you wanna see this or not?

she/her Transgirl who has seen half of everything

[strawberry-crocodile]

what if batman was semen retention themed and his enemy was called the stroker

[nursesshoutinghyms]

[people-eating-frogs]

(purple=me, red=transmasc friend of mine)

sometimes it is genuinely sobering to be confronted with how little the average transmasc knows or thinks about the transmisogyny present in scociety and especially in systems that have power over us.

I don't say this to dunk on or insult my transmasc friend, he's a genuiniely wonderful person, I'm just baffled by the ignorance at play here.

he describes himself as an actuvist for trans rights. he didn't know about v-coding, or about trans women being denied access to domestic and sexual abuse help services for women, he didn't know how fucking bad the state of femenizing healthcare is because like many others, he heard "testosterone is a controlled substance and estrogen isn't" and concluded from that that getting on E must be easier, no further research needed.

but the most important part? when I pointed this out to him, he admitted his bias and promised to do better. he recognized how he had been ignorant of transfem's specific struggles because of his own marginalized status and reaffirmed his support.

I am so used to being met with hostility when discussing transmisogyny that this(the bare fucking minimum) was a genuine positive surprise to me in the moment.

if you're TME and sceptical of transfemenism, i want you to think about this exchange and reflect on wether you might have been in this position before, and if so, why you didn't respond the way my friend did.

[nursesshoutinghyms]

I need to be able to just detach from people. I have friends, I have a lot of friends and I have no obligations to a group of people who I barely like and talk to. Some of them I do like but also their still shit, i'm nowhere near myself around them. So why I can't I just drop these people, why do I feel obligated to say why I have to go or to just stick out these half friendships.

[mutualaidgarden]

🏳️‍🌈 Help your Queer Black girl out 🏳️‍🌈 Please boost

I beg y’all please help or share 🙏🏿 Lost my job June 16 alongside 2 Black employees and I’m currently facing an urgent utility hardship. My electricity has been disconnected since June 24, leaving me without refrigeration, cooking access, or laundry.

I’ve been surviving on peanut butter sandwiches since I can’t store food, and I can’t run a fan or AC in this heat. A friend has been bringing me a charged portable charger daily so I can keep my phone on and apply for jobs. I’ve honestly been bawling my eyes out trying to get through this and figure things out.

Electric Bill: $664/$1,934.80

Venmo: Queenloki89

Cash App: $Queenloki89

[mutualaidgarden]

Please boost. 🙏🏿 I still need help getting my electricity turned back on. Thank you so much to everyone who has donated so far 🖤. With no fan or AC, the heat has been awful. Every repost helps keep this visible and gets me one step closer to having power again.

Electric Bill: $879/$1,934.80

[mutualaidgarden]

$924/$1,934.80

[mutualaidgarden]

I still need to my electricity turned back on. The heat has been unbearable with no AC or fan, and I still don't have a fridge or a way to do laundry. I've applied to so many jobs and haven't heard back from a single one, even after trying to follow up. A friend has been bringing me a portable charger so I can keep my phone on for job updates. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.

⚡ $949/$1,934.80

Cash App: $Queenloki89

Venmo: Queenloki89

[mutualaidgarden]

⚡ $964/$1,934.80

[mutualaidgarden]

⚡ $999/$1,934.80

[mutualaidgarden]

No electricity, unbearable heat, and no way to do laundry. Please help me reach my goal so I can get my power restored. I’m grateful for my friend who keeps me stocked with bread and peanut butter, brings a portable charger to keep my phone on while I continue applying for jobs.

⚡ $999/$1,934.80

Cash App: $Queenloki89

Venmo: Queenloki89

[mutualaidgarden]

⚡ $1,049/$1,934.80

A huge big thank you to everyone who's donated so far. Getting closer to getting my electricity back on!!!

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[carrionthird]

"Stop scrolling and please help me spread the word, because if I've landed on your page you're most likely either a black woman or someone who cares about black women and the simple phrase I'm about to share could help save a black woman's life.

Doctors are to black women what police officers are to black men. That may seem controversial but I believe it to be true and I speak from personal experience.

If you've seen this TikTok you know that a 2016 study showed that 50% of medical students and residents thought that black people couldn't feel pain the same as white people.

And we learned from this video that because of a 1999 study, to this day, there's a black correction factor for the creatinin levels in black people's kidneys, meaning we're less likely to recieve a kidney transplant if needed.

So if you go to a doctor, feel you aren't getting proper treatment or they refuse the treatment you've requested, say to them the following:

I will need you to document on record that you are refusing the treatment (or medicine) I've requested, and the reason you are doing so."

[dovewithscales]

This works. I have used it in other situations. If medical staff have to document and take responsibility and be on the hook legally for doing shady shit they behave much differently.

If you weren’t already going to spread this advice because black women are at risk, then spread it because it’s applicable to everyone else as well, including you reading this.

But particularly women, and especially black women.

[nursesshoutinghyms]

Blood Letting!

I've found away to self refer locally for me, meaning I can bypass the incredibly shitty NHS and not pay exorbitant amounts of money. i'm finally gonna get hormones!!!

Today was my first blood test and I really loved it. The people who were doing it was nice, turns out being asked my preferred pronouns and not having to lie is very satisfying who knew! They talked me through it kept checking I was okay, I actually felt important like I mattered. I know that might sound silly because these are just people doing their jobs but they thought my care was something to take seriously, they were gentle with me and didn't make me feel stupid or like I'm a spare part.

The bloods was my favorite part though, such a fun experience. I wasn't really going in with many worries, apart from a small feeling that they were gonna lock me in a room or something. Just watching the blood go up through the little tube and into the glass vial was magic. I felt like an experiment, that I was part of something bigger than myself and thats the first time in my life I've probably had that feeling. I've had plenty of euphoric moments but seeing that blood draining out of me felt like the most tangible.

from all the girls I know who are on E a lot of them have said that estrogen helped unlock their emotions in a way. I feel like I've always been an emotional person, I feel wildly emotional about lots of people and things but never myself. I'm only alive because of other people, my love for them and how the only negative of my death is that it would make them sad. I've never factored into my own survival but being in that room and seeing that blood leave me made me feel important, I was more important than everyone else for about 30 minutes.

Its just the start but I'm starting to feel I might have a reason to live.

[folly-of-alexandria]

A Few Transmisogynistic Things I've seen in the last two years:

One of the "Former TERF" Transmascs who came up with Transandrophobia theory has dropped the former part, detransitioned, and is also now an avowed Nazi. Followers of the ideology claim that this is a non-issue on how they view the ideology.

Two separate transmascs and one cis woman "ally" made videos lolcowing "acceptable target" transfems.

One of the most prominent serial harassers of Trans women on this site was outed as a Kiwifarms user and fully bought into the Pizza-gate conspiracy. Many people who participated in the campaigns they ran are saying "Well I'm certain they were right about the ones I harassed."

Tumblr Staff's Rate of banning trans women reached a mass so noticeable that it made news. Tumblr claims that this was in error, but has continued to ban at the same rate, and hopes everyone forgets that they were previously sued (and settled) for anti-LGBTQ bias in its moderation, confessed to having moderators taking bribes to ban targeted users, and its own CEO stalked a trans woman across multiple social media sites.

Men (both cis and trans) unironically state with their full chest that the basic assertions of transfeminism are Misandry and harass trans women about this.

[folly-of-alexandria]

Today a random clip of a F1nn5ter Q&A stream found its way into my feed.

Someone asked F1nn why it was that on her larger branded social media accounts she still listed herself as a femboy in some places while in more intracommunity spaces she more readily and comfortably identified as transfem.

Now, depending on who you ask that kind of question to you'll probably get a meandering answer on the complexities of how one defines their own identity. But instead F1nn gave a very quick and simple answer.

She gets less death threats or other general threats of violence from people when she calls herself a femboy vs calling herself transfem. It wasn't any deeper than that, and some people in her audience understood that, while others were confused that femboys were more palatable to cis people than transfems.

[folly-of-alexandria]

Another Clip of F1nn made its way across my feed today, she she mentioned a little bit more on the difference on being known as a Transfem streamer vs her old Femboy days.

"As soon as I came out as trans, it felt like everyone was an asshole and I had to adapt to it again...I don't know, people just don't like it if you're not [just] some funny guy."

[fleshengine]

It was kind of incredible and sickening to witness how the wider internet shifted its opinion on F1nn when she came out. I went from seeing clips of her everywhere, to seeing clips of her talking about coming out, to not seeing anything. Soon after all I'm seeing about F1nn is that she's problematic, stupid drama being spread around for no reason. Even other transfems flipped on her, criticizing everything she does, saying she's bad for the community because she's a sex worker and other bullshit. She set up a thing to try and help people in the UK get hormones and somehow got hate from trans people about it. (I haven't looked into it that much, I could not care less what's happening on those islands.)

I've talked about it before but F1nn5ter is a pretty textbook example of how trans women are hated more than "femboys" and how even other trans women can be transmisogynistic to those they deem valid targets.

[storyweavingspider]

Ay if you Black and make art/music/write/whatever, reblog this post showing it and link your shop/sites/paylinks/etc. so people can buy your stuff or send you money.

If you non-black, reblog this when you see it and if you only see one or two additions on the stack, check comments to see if you can reblog a longer version. Pretty much all my shit is free to read/listen to, so send your money to other Black folks in the reblogs instead and help boost their art.

Writing:

Weaving the Stories, poetry compilation

Chasing Uncertainty, poetry compilation/Transfeminist Womanism theory

General longer-form theory can be found at my site, anons.ee

Audio:

A recorded version of Weaving the Stories can be found on Bandcamp, YouTube, and streaming platforms.

[rabbitkinglune777]

^^^

[freestoneletters]

In which a man tries to be a doctor at the knot of a historical, magical and mythological quagmire.

It's a web serial, it updates monthly, and a slaveowner gets stampede to death by horses in it. And it's free. Check it out.

[nursesshoutinghyms]

Two types of girls

[nursesshoutinghyms]

inside

I had a dream last night that left me feeling calm in a strange way. In this dream I had seemingly killed by youngest cousin, this had already occurred when the dream started, I never saw her body but it was wrapped up in a large green blanket. I was distraught at what i had done and would be going to a mental health facility. As i was being taken there though my family were so comforting, they didn't blame me or think less of me, they wanted me to get help but I was never shunned by them. It was an odd feeling, that I had done this terrible thing but still had people who loved and wanted the best for me. I woke up so well rested.

[chingaderita]

OFFICIALLY PENNILESS

Last week I had a bigoted asshole be absolutely racist and vile in my dms and since then I've been terrified of losing my 12+ yo blog, here is a link to my archive in case you all need proof I've been here for more than a decade.

Our last post so you can back track and learn more about our situation.

I can't avoid asking for help anymore, if it were just me I would just let myself due but our kids, my partner, our cats and my in-laws do not deserve to go hungry.

We have kids and elderly, we have 4 diabetics at home, the insulin went bad after a blackout and the replacement we got is not enough.

We need help affording groceries, bills and my meds.

Our eldest son is still suicidal with dysphoria and we missed his second appointment at the trans clinic due to lack of money. We want to get back on track.

My healthcare renewal is this january 20th or I will lose it and I can't lose it.

$50/$950

Paypal Kofi

[chingaderita]

May I please ask for help reblogging?

I can't keep going without my meds, every time is a bet of how long until I end up at the hospital again

@torturotica @dirhwangdaseul @webkinzcode

[storyweavingspider]

I know that on the internet transfemmes tend to get accused of “separatist ideology” the most for speaking about our issues, but I do think it’s hilarious (evil) how the more marginalized you are the harder it becomes to actually be separationist or isolationist because of the exact systemic discrimination that creates those desires.

Like ok, you’re transfemme. You have hella bad experiences with non-transfemmes doing transmisogyny to you so you end up interacting almost exclusively with other transfemmes.

But you’re also Black, and you hope that also being marginalized will help cut out the antiblackness and transmisogynoir from non-Black transfemmes, but it turns out they still gonna do that shit to you, so you retreat to just other Black transfemmes.

And then you get hit with long covid or literally any other disability, can’t work anymore because of it and become reliant on mutual aid to survive. Surely, you think, the double whammy of being Black and transfemme means they’ll understand ableism too. Maybe mask so you can be with them safely without getting even more disabled.

And then they don’t, so you try to find other disabled Black transfemmes, a sliver of a sliver of a sliver, but they’re all ALSO broke and isolated and surviving on mutual aid and luck and they tell you your options are to accept everything being done to you so that you have a chance of surviving via mutual aid and community resources, or simply give up.

So you go back to the larger community to have a chance of surviving, because the average lifespan for Black transfemmes is mid-30s and you’d like to beat the average at least, and you prepare to suffer again, to survive.

Last year, two of the best known/loved cis Black women who were disability advocates on Twitter died due to lack of mutual aid. One couldn’t raise funds for her chemo, the other couldn’t raise funds for a rideshare to the hospital the day she died and knew that an ambulance would ruin her financially.

I look at them, two well known and loved disabled Black women who put so much effort into helping their community only to die due to lack of help, and then I look at the other disabled Black trans folks I know surviving off of mutual aid and I wonder how much longer it’ll be until it’s them, because they damn sure don’t got the same amount of people that even know who they are.

(If you BIPOC/trans/disabled and trying to cf, I’ll reblog it if you message it to me or put it as a reblog on this. I’ll also try to go through and reblog everything on here every so often)

[storyweavingspider]

Pink, a homeless Black trans woman living/traveling through the rural US, desperately needs funds to survive, keep on the move, and afford medications to treat her chronic illness.

Her PP is @ogpink, and you can bring her asks on bluesky at bsky.app/profile/pinktrannypants.bsky.social / http://pinktrannypants.bsky.social

If you can help her out directly, please do. If you can’t, please reblog this so someone else might be able to. Thank you.

[cleanbrainforget]

can someone help her afford a hotel please

[cleanbrainforget]

freezing in the winter

[storyweavingspider]

HELP SHIRA SURVIVE A TRANSMISOGYNIST ATTEMPTED MURDER

Shira is a Turkish trans woman who was the victim of attempted murder by a man on the street who realized she was transfemme. After he stabbed her, dozens of people walked by her on the sidewalk until a teenager stopped and helped her.

Shira is now in the hospital in critical condition. She’s undergone emergency surgery and will need multiple operations and long-term care to recover—physically and emotionally.

Shira has no close family nearby, is not accepted by public organizations in Turkey because she is trans, and she’s unable to work while she heals. Her friends are raising funds to cover her medical bills, therapy, and basic living expenses during this painful time.

As of me posting this, the fundraiser has €125 out of a €12k goal. If you can’t give anything to help a trans woman survive a horrific attack, please at least reblog this, set it on your queue, whatever you need to do to make sure others can see and help. Thank you.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-shira-recover-after-a-transphobic-attack

[naidje]

UPDATE:

With the help of our community and your donations Shira has been able to stay in the hospital. She now needs to be operated on as soon as possible, we need to get to our first goal of 4000€ urgently. Please share this and consider giving what you can if you haven't already.

Currently we're at €2994/4000

We can do this guys!

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

UPDATE: With the help of our community and your donations Shira has been able… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

[naidje]

€3436/4000

Just a little push until the €4000 milestone where Shira will be able to receive her urgent surgery!

[naidje]

€3721 / 4000

This is time sensitive, folks!

[naidje]

UPDATE:

I've heard from her close friends that the surgeries were a complete success! Thank you, everyone who donated!

All that's left is to pay off the bills for her stay at the hospital. We're close, folks! Just need to push a bit more for a little while longer!

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

Shira is a kind, hardworking woman who has faced more challenges than most—ju… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

[naidje]

We're aiming for a minimum of 6k to pay off Shira's hospital bills!

We're currently at €4715 / 6000

[naidje]

Updated today:

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

Shira is a kind, hardworking woman who has faced more challenges than most—ju… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

Please, it’s an emergency. We urgently need to raise €6,000 as soon as possible to cover life-saving surgery and the treatment of post-surgery infections. Time is running out. We’re in a critical situation, and every minute counts. Please, if you’re reading this—don’t scroll past. Even a small donation can make a huge difference. We’re begging you from the bottom of our hearts: help us save a life before it’s too late. Share. Donate. Pray. Anything you can do means a lot to us right now

[naidje]

Srsly guys, this is time sensitive.

We're less than 700 away from our goal of 6000

[naidje]

Updated today (August 12):

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

Shira is a kind, hardworking woman who has faced more challenges than most—ju… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

"I would like to sincerely thank everyone who has contributed to our decision to raise this amount. As I mentioned before, the hospital expenses are increasing every single day. We are now very close to reaching our goal — only €600 remain. We hope the surgery can take place very soon. I truly hope you will not grow weary of supporting us, and I kindly ask you to share this post as much as you can. Every single day truly makes a difference for us."

We're really close, guys! Please keep pushing!

[naidje]

Updated today! (August 21)

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

Shira is a kind, hardworking woman who has faced more challenges than most—ju… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

"After everything we have been through, we finally have some uplifting news. We are deeply grateful to share that Shira’s surgery was successful. Her condition is now stable, and according to the doctor, she will be discharged from the hospital within the next two days.

Our priority now is to ensure she has a safe place to recover. The area where she was living before is no longer safe for her, as it is the same place where the incident happened. For this reason, we are trying to secure a safe apartment for her, and we will cover the rent, the deposit, as well as food and basic needs for at least one month until she regains her strength.

The estimated cost for this is around €900, which includes one month’s rent, the landlord’s required deposit, and basic living expenses. We sincerely hope we can gather this amount to guarantee her a safe environment where she can heal.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support, kindness, and prayers during this difficult time."

Please keep pushing, everyone!

[naidje]

Urgent update!

She has been issued a hospital discharge and is ready to leave, but unfortunately there is no safe and suitable place for her during the recovery period. We are in urgent need of 300 euros within the next 24 hours, please

Please, this is time sensitive!

[naidje]

Reviving this old post cos it seems to have way more traction than some of my newer posts.

January update:

Shira has been out of the hospital for a few months, and thanks to generous donations has been able to afford an appartment. However, she's still unable to work due to her injuries. Currently all her money is going towards staying housed, and there's not enough left for food and medicine.

In her own words from her January 12th update:

I’m truly in a difficult situation right now. All the money I managed to raise went toward paying my rent so I can make it through the rest of this month. At the moment, I still need to buy my medications and continue my treatment—on top of the healthy food I’m supposed to eat to support my healing. The amount I urgently need is around €500. I swear I currently have only €3 left, and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of the month. Please help me if you can. I’m in desperate need of support. If you’re not able to donate, sharing my fundraiser would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much.

Please everyone. She hasn't received a single donation in over 2 weeks.

Donate to Help Shira Recover After a Transphobic Attack, organized by Mariam Eve

Shira is a kind, hardworking woman who has faced more challenges than most—ju… Mariam Eve needs your support for Help Shira Recover After a

[nursesshoutinghyms]

emerald cockroach wasp

I really understand the feeling that you weren't supposed to be human. you were meant to be a dog, a cat, an emerald cockroach wasp (love those by the way). Humans are very strange animals because we think we're the most put together out of all of the little pockets of life on earth. Most people will be satisfied with being human, I am to an extent, I have relationships I would never have as a crow, maybe as a dog but the dynamic would be different.

I thought I was almost there with wishing to be an animal, I feel like a dog sometimes, every now and again I would think 'is my dog me from the future, reincarnated in an animal state to be with me' which I don't think is the case now but i'd be happy if it was true. I was similar to my old dog it felt like we both had something inside us that was the same. He'd look after me, didn't trust me to walk him cause he saw me as too young, even when I got older I was still too young, but he'd be with me.

But I don't think i'm a dog, I wouldn't be unhappy if I was one but its not quite there. I think I'd like to have been alien, one day my head cracks open and i'm a brain covered in tendrils that glides through the air or someone who could shift and change, I want to be beyond human, I want to be detached from the whole thing. If I could be something different but still be here amongst it all that be nice, or if I could just take on the body of something new or an animal and just switch off the part of my brain that doesn't know what it wants.

I'd quite like to be an alien, or a monster or just something that's not quite right. I want to be beautiful.

[nursesshoutinghyms]

Child's play 2

There was a feeling I had about certain types of stories, most of them being horror stories. It was only recently through watching a few video essays that I could put this problem into words, one particularly poignant one was Yhara Zayd's video on Get Out and films that have marketed themselves off Get Out's success. the problem with these films boil down to them not understanding why Get Out works, their messaging is blunt, their poorly crafted, odd stilted dialogue and some of them seem to revel in portraying black suffering to the point were ask 'what is the actually trying to say and what are we doing by creating this imagery'. Peele's films are very well made, get out is built on its rising tension that ties in with the microaggressions and the increasingly strange interactions Chris has with the other black characters who have been taken over. There is never a moment a character looks into the camera and states the grand message of the film.

I think this is the same problem I have with a lot of these evil rich people films, they are very very blunt. the hero is fighting the embodiment of greed and evil, there an old money family who have been profiting of the exploited for generations, and (get this) they made a deal with the devil, or death and they sacrifice people, or hunt people for sport and they are detached amoral and decedent. This by no means bad, I understand the fantasy of wanting to present the most evil of our real world as the literal devil, the rush when the downtrodden finally gets to kill them all is fun I get it. But I miss prefer the vague evil, I prefer corporate evil to be a shadow rather than something that can be harmed.

the system of the UK/US uphold cruelty, terrible things happen in their shadow, and most of the time when someone unroots that evil brings it into the light they choose to ignore the shade it cowered in. Childs play 2 has two villains, Chucky a possessed good guy doll controlled by a serial killer and the company that makes them. After the events of the first film, Chucky is repaired by Good Guy inc. as a PR stunt to brush off negative press, they revive chucky and unknowingly allow him to continue his killings.

Good Guy inc. does not care about children, in fact most of the adults in child play 2 don't give much thought to children and their problems. The main character Andy has been robbed of a normal child hood, his mum the only person who might understand him is removed from his life. Chuckys return is supported by systemic cruelties, by corporate greed, by the structure of the family which accounts for the majority child abuse, by schools that punish people who do not meet societies expectations. There is nowhere Andy can go that is safe, Chucky on the other hand can move freely in his new body, a product that is accepted in every home because it is natural.

The second and beginning of the third film show that chucky is mass produced, he is not uniquely evil everything is functioning as it should be, but we'll continue to call it an isolated incident until people move on and find the next stand alone monster. i'm afraid i'm just not interested in seeing a family who embody all evil getting wiped out, I want to see what gets made in the low light. I want to see how many good guys are out there.

[nursesshoutinghyms]

vourdalak

Choosing to lose friends feels so unnatural to me, it makes me feel like i've used people, that all the time spent together was leading to my betrayal. Friends stop talking, friends disappear, but you can't step away yourself because that would make you a bad friend.

I've never viewed myself as an active participant in my own life, i'm secondary i'm a sounding bored for other peoples problems. When I came out as a trans girl this got worse, I was so happy that I finally knew who I was but shame was still weighing me down. Its a shame that has always been there, that I am violent in all aspects. I can see vivid images of me hurting people in cruelest ways possible, and I hated it and I hated myself. I may still hate myself but I'm getting better.

It was a self taught lesson never to express what I had in the back of my mind, whether it be violence to myself and others, desire, fetishes, kinks it was all aberrant. When I came out as trans I was so happy, but I knew the game I had to play now more than ever. Girls don't think like that, they aren't horny about that, the world was telling me that if your going to do this you had to to do it right.

so I had my shame and my privacy, privately I was more myself than I realised but in my head these identities were distinct. to those who it mattered to I was a normal transgirl, and only very recently have I learnt who in my life that matters to. its not the other transgirls in my life, who I have felt infinitely comfortable with, who I can chat to about anything without fear of disgust or dismissal, who if I have a problem with I can sit down and gently discuss it, the both of us being better of afterward.

Then I think about the other people in my life, the ones I perform for, the ones who talk about the weird transgirl, the ones whose gender expression they view as perverse, whose desire for experiences of pregnancy, periods and sexual pleasure derived from abstraction are wrong. These people assured apart of my brain that I had to keep up the front, if i'm ever myself, If I ever show off who I truly am they will shun me and hate me, i'll prove them right. deny deny deny, I have to not be what I am, I have to be their sounding bored. They were queer to, they had to be right, I dismissed my own trans nature because I was 'new' to it, they had to be right, trans men wouldn't say this without good reason would they?

I've dug through mountains of shame to realise my self hatred, to realise there misogyny and I want nothing more to do with it. Unlike others i'm lucky, I have other friends who will love me, trans girls who will embrace me and who I embrace, I don't have to live with this festering limb of obligation, men who justify there misogyny with 'but i'm x' are not worth my time. The fact that writing this is so freeing tells me this is right, i'm sure of myself for the first time in a long time.

now i'm going to go out and do things that right for me, i'll wear maternity gear, get fat, get even fatter and i'll be happy with the people in my life who genuinely love me.