Doodles Scaboodles

A completely self indulgent blog for the spicier content I like

[nydlewds]

I'm going to murder someone. They're all so fucking loud, I can't hear myself think. God.

[nydlewds]

Damn, I really gotta get better at eating on time. Sometimes, I fall off the ball and end up feeling shitty or irritated all day, or even the next couple of days. Fuck, man.

[nydlewds]

Man, it really takes me a while to get adjusted to new changes :0

[nydlewds]

Aw buddy...

You don't have to do that, man. You can say something about your own wants and needs. You're not a burden or anything. You're not a tool whose value only comes from your usefulness.

It's okay to say something about your own needs. To state how you're currently doing. It doesn't always have to be about them. And it's worthwhile to put in effort and care.

I promise you, it is.

[cure-icy-writes]

the human mind is prone to catastrophizing when left unoccupied. And that’s why it’s important to always have a little Blorbo to rotate in your head. It acts as a protective charm of sorts to redirect your imagination away from harmful spirals

thoughts without Blorbo: oh my god I was so cringe in seventh grade why did I do that

thoughts with Blorbo: I haven’t considered the interactions with bleebus; I must rectify this immediately

[gallusrostromegalus]

Tags By @friend-dogor : #like a worrystone for thoughts. running my thumb over the little guy in my head over and over until hes smooth and slightly indented

[logicalparafox]

I love the order of the three because #same

[bedupolker]

Dominance grooming

inspired by this

[nydlewds]

Fuck, my sleep schedule is off.

I've been sleeping a few hours later than usual and it's really fucking with my energy levels.

Aughhhh

[nydlewds]

Maybe it'd be healthier to think that every time I create a happy memory, it's like creating a time capsule of nostalgia that's meant to be rediscovered again by my future selves.

Maybe the reason why I like going back to the older nostalgia is because these types of memories age like fine wine and only grow sweeter over time, even if it eventually adopts a bitter aftertaste.

[nydlewds]

Sometimes, I feel like all I do is just constantly chase the wonder and happiness I felt as a kid as the rest of the world continues to move on without me.

[nydlewds]

Childhood nostalgia always gives me unbridled joy, but I feel like there's always a sad undertone that comes with it...

I get so happy catering to my inner child, but there's always a sad loneliness that shadows it.

This month is will a rough one.

I unblocked him.

But I haven't made contact since I did. This happened at the very beginning of the month. And I know he noticed... something. Or at least something changed when I did.

He hasn't updated any of his social media since we broke up, but a week after I did, he made a tiny update to his avatar and bio. But he hasn't reached out or interacted with me in any way still. And I don't plan on it for a while.

Is this a bad idea?

Yeah. It probably is.

But I'm confident that I won't reach out to him for a while, still, and that he won't either. And since then, I've felt... strangely free. Like I don't have to be shackled in order to act civil again. Like I can trust myself again more, because... I mean it's been working so far. And if needed, I could also block him again and he might not even notice.

If he reaches out to me, though... What would I do? I don't really know. Keep things brief, I guess. Have very small talks with him, if he even wanted to talk to me still afterwards. I want to completely re-mold what we want our dynamic to be after burning down our old one.

No pet names. No affectionate displays. But still friends at an arms length.

[nydlewds]

I resent people who believes I'm a happy person all the time.

Anyone who thinks of me that way will never truly understand me.

I gravitate towards fluff and comfort for the exact same reason why I like sad characters and angst.

[nydlewds]

I'm being the child right now.

I'm throwing a tantrum because I fucking need it right now.

I'm just.

Real fucking cranky.

[nydlewds]

Why.

Why the fuck am I the one maintaining this break up.

Why the fuck do I have to be the one to block him because he refuses to block me?

Why the fuck am I lifting EVERYTHING UP BY MYSELF, YOU SELFISH IMMATURE PRICK?

What do you WANT from me?

This isn't fucking fair.

I'm the one who got broken up with.

I'm the one in pain.

Why the fuck can't you even give me the luxury to cry and break down and act pathetic towards you when you're the one who put me in this state?

Why am I the one who has to constantly act like the adult in this situation...

Do you think it's easy to do this?

How selfish and annoying could you get, you fucking child?

God.... I want to fucking cry...

You're the worst... If you can't return my feelings, at least let me have the space to act out on mine while I grieve the lost relationship...

What the hell is your problem....

[nydlewds]

Sigh... 6 months...

What'll happen after 6 months?

That's how long I promised myself to stay away from him. But is it even a good idea to unblock him? Should I just keep him blocked forever? Do we spark a friendship again if I do unblock him?

He may still not be available. He may have moved on completely. He may still be bad for me. What would even happen?

He wasn't even a great partner. He wasn't over his last flame. He neglected me a lot and took me for granted. Why do I want him?

I keep ruminating on the what-ifs. I keep associating him with acts of intimacy and feelings of infatuation. I still have feelings for him. Time has dulled down the intensity, but when will it go away?

He doesn't want to be with me. He feels he can't be with me. I can't fix that. I can't change that. But I'm failing to change how I feel as well. What will it take for me to stop making him take up so much of my mind?

Maybe enough time still haven't passed yet, but I feel like my mind imprinted on him like an unfinished tattoo, and the only way to get it out is to wait for all the skin cells to replace the marked area, but even then, the mark will still be there, as faded as it may be.

It's so fucking infuriating to not be able to get what you want, but also not have the ability to fucking not want it at all. I don't want to fucking feel this way and yet I'm fucking stuck with it. What the hell is up with that. Why the fuck do I still have to care about him? What's the point?

[nydlewds]

The week was rough and there was a dip in mood this weekend, but it was still overall a good one and I got a lot done despite everything 👍

[nydlewds]

No.

I'm not stupid for still liking and feeling sad over him.

Maybe there are some underlying issues I have when it comes to relationships in general, but it's not like I'm stopping on trying to work on them.

I'm doing great and I'm literally doing the best I can with what I have.

If it's not perfect, then it's because I'm not perfect and I never will be.

[nydlewds]

You don't want to admit it, but there's something broken inside you, isn't there?

You know what it's like to feel like a piece of you is broken, so when you recognize and see it in others, you can't stand it at all.

You hate that part of you, because it causes you endless pain. You think if you can fix it in others, you'll be fixing yourself in the process.

But all you're doing is distracting yourself and delaying dealing with your own pain. There's a deep dissatisfaction within you, but you're not willing to confront it.

And worst case scenario, what you think they need isn't what they need at all. What you're giving them in a painkiller that they won't be able to turn down.

It's something they've always wanted, and you know this because it's something you've always wanted, but it's not what they actually need.

Your actions are only going to break them further when the time comes and you can't give it to them anymore...

Because now they've gotten addicted to you and have to go through its withdrawal.