apparently the average roma tomato contains 11 calories. im flabbergasted by this. it would be so easy to starve to death just eating tomatoes. i bought 30 tomatoes this week for my dehydrator, and my wife was giving me weird looks because that was 2 entire grocery bags of tomatoes. but that is 330 calories of tomato. i would need approximately 12 full grocery bags of tomatoes a day just to meet my basic caloric needs. thats like, 1 bag of tomatoes every hour and fifteen minutes. thats a tomato every five minutes. can you imagine how much your day would suck if there was a timer that went off every five minutes and then you had to eat a tomato or, eventually, you would die?
i used to see those old timey photos of photos of circus fat men and laugh a little because its like. really? this was the fattest guy anyone could find? this guy was so comically fat that he could go to a circus, and people would pay to gawk at him? this guy? i could walk into any bar in my town and lose an arm wrestling match to a guy fatter than this. 110 years ago guy was professionally fat, now he's losing to amateur hobbyists.
but then i think, you know, yes. i could outfat this man with the benefit of modern technology. i could eat two twinkies and smirk at this bastards two fucking grocery bags of tomatoes. i could do that.
but it is actually a hell of an accomplishment to do this with 1910s food. imagine the hell of being the 5 minute tomato man. like, your part time job is just chewing. 20% of your life is going to be chewing. its a grind. its awful. and then you look over, and theres this beautiful bastard, and the timer hasnt even gone off and hes eating another tomato. you're looking at him, and you're gonna say hey, i think you heard someone elses alarm, you dont have to do that, but then he gets another tomato. look at that defiant posture. look at his arms crossed. 12 bags of tomatoes? make it 20. im not scared of you, this posture says. im not scared of being alive. is it work? is it work to exist? of course its work to exist. so much chewing. but whats the alternative, let the fuckers grind you down? let the tomatoes win? he eats another one. you're grinning. you eat your tomato. you cant keep up with him but it feels a little better. this isnt a losing battle. youre alive. youve seen fat bastards before but they were rich. they got fat the easy way, with good food, with good drink, with honey and butter and jam. this guy has tomatoes. he eats another. he cant beat em but he can join em. he can do this. youre cheering. your friends are cheering. he does this for another six months and then he says hes got a new job. hes joining the circus. he is now, finally, professionally fat.
its like watching your friend in a small town get accepted to harvard. youre so proud of him. you wish you could join him, but at least one of you is gonna make it. and you know, youre proud that it is him. you give him a hug. your timer goes off. you eat a tomato. you wipe the tears from your eyes. you wave at him as he goes. your heart is heavy. your timer goes off. you eat. you eat. you eat.
Op i love this post but i also am contractually obligated to ask: What the fuck?
so sometimes i write with my brain and sometimes i write with my fingers and this time i started off writing with my brain. but then my brain got tired and my fingers kept going and i just kept watching the words pop up on my screen, and i just kept getting more and more confused by the Work of my Hands until eventually the only thing i could do was click post and hope someone smarter than me would know what just happened.
and now we’re here. confused. together.
tomato for your troubles?
so on a scale of one to ten how bad is the acid reflux
canticle of threnodies 5:7
