Diary Blog

Just a teen. I post thoughts and feelings on here so I'm not bothering people. 17 | 🇬🇧

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Quick Update - I Am Me.

Happy New Year! Also, I’m finally 17!

So I’ve just come back from my trip to LA and it was honestly eye-opening. Not quite for the reasons I expected it to be though. I’d never felt more wanted by a place before - not even the city I was born in. I felt like I belonged there. I didn’t want to come back. It was so freeing being away from home.

On this trip, I realised where my destination is. I want to live in LA and be an editor or a cinematographer or a director. Whether that’s just for online videos, such as YouTube, or for a large scale production company, such as Universal or Warner Bros. I want to live comfortably and just laugh every day.

I just need a journey plan now. I’ll need a portfolio to get noticed anywhere, for a start. And for that I’ll need a camera and a computer. They can just be basics for now though, they’ll slowly improve. An online portfolio like Instagram is easy and simple enough. Also, my college course is a good kick-start to my portfolio because I have to produce things anyway. Then I’ll also need things to film for recreational purposes, e.g. holidays or events. These will too cost money.

Alongside all this, there’s an understanding to it all too. There’s the understanding that it won’t happen instantly. I’m not Nordan Shat who could spend a quarter of a million on a new car at the age of 19. I’m not Lil Pump who’s 17 and an internet sensation. I might end up like Richard Bankston who’s 24 and only just piecing his life together and becoming happy with the things he’s got and making things he’s proud of. I am me who plays the lead role in my own story. I am me who has to work hard for things. I am me with my own individual opportunities. I am me.

Right now, I need to go to sleep to wake up tomorrow and set out to fulfil my own journey.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

I’m not posting every night anymore. Just when I feel I need to vent.

Sorry for anyone who needed this, I just don’t feel that I need it anymore.

My DMs are still open though for anyone that needs it.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #544 & #545

Yesterday, nothing much happened.

Today, nothing much happened.

It was my brother’s birthday.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #542 & #543

Yesterday I didn’t post because I was beyond tired.

It was an okay day. Just a normal Monday, really. I went to college and did what I needed to do. Went to work, covering Charlotte’s reception shift. I was on shift with Zoe which was cool. I love Zoe, she’s so chill and nice.

Today was alright. College dragged though. I was working too. Work was okay, nothing much happened.

Emily was being weird though, she wasn’t messaging me properly.

This new girl called Sam was messaging me because I added her from the College story on Snapchat. She seems alright, I suppose.

I’ve noticed I’ve been getting a few looks from girls around college and stuff lately. It’s really good for my confidence. I like it. If only they approached me though, then I’d actually get somewhere.

There’s been this girl that’s come into work with college (they have a free session for college students on a Wednesday) and she always gives me looks and I think she’s quite cute. Hopefully she comes in tomorrow. I’ve never really seen her round college but today I saw her a few times. She was looking my way both times and acknowledged me both times. I don’t think she realised that I went to college. It’s why it’s both a blessing and a curse that I don’t look my age.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn’t make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #540 & #541

Yesterday was okay. I went to work, 11-6, and it was an okay shift. Nothing major. It’s kinda flew by actually.

After that, I was helping my uncle DJ at a party. There were a few people I knew at that party too and it was a good night. I only got in at 3 and had work the next morning, hence why I didn’t post.

I’d been talking to Paige too for a bit today. Partially in real life, partially on Snapchat. Here’s the thing, I’m too shy to be flirty in person, so I just make a fool of myself and make people laugh at how stupid I am (well, appear). But then on text I get a bit flirtier. However, when she’s obviously unclear on my age because no one believes that I’m only 16 at work and I don’t know if anyone’s told her I’m only 16, she didn’t take well to it. In fact, she’s been ignoring me on Snapchat. However she’ll still talk to me at work. She even started the conversation today. I don’t know, I’m just very confused. I can’t be assed trying too hard.

Today was a bit crap. I was tired after last night. I wasn’t being the happy, smiley me at work. I was just being off today, I felt like everyone was picking on me, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I nearly had a couple of breakdowns because I was just getting frustrated at everything. I was just getting stressed at the smallest things and I was being lazy. I was just tired and I didn’t have the energy to act out the ‘work’ character I usually play. I was just being the lazy, stubborn me that is me that people don’t recognise. Sean N told me that people had told him that I wasn’t ‘myself’ today and that I’d been off and he didn’t even believe them. I must have been doing well at acting.

I wrote more about how I probably shouldn’t act and it would attract better people but for some reason that bit didn’t get published.

I also mentioned how I like stretching.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #538 & #539

Last night was my GCSE Presentation. It was good to be fair, I got to dress up and see my friends win stuff. I didn’t get much. I don’t really care.

Today was just another day at college. It was Friday so that meant I was literally busy all day.

We went for a meal after college. It was meant to be 5 of us but it ended up being 3: me, Joe and Smel. I paid. I didn’t mind because it was for Joe’s birthday but I don’t understand why Ella spent all her money if she knew she was coming out. I don’t mind paying for little things here and there, but why did I pay for a fkn meal for her? It’s not a date for crying out loud. I don’t want to be spending loads of money. I don’t have loads to be spending. I still have Christmas presents to buy. I don’t really want to spend over £10 per person. Maybe Em is an exception. There’s only Joe, Smel, Ben and Em but still, that’s £40 if I spend £10 on each or £80 if I spend £20 on each. £40 is a manageable amount, I can deal with that. £20 is a lot of money. I don’t like treating it as such because I don’t want to have to see it as a lot but it well and truly is right now. I don’t like talking about money, but when I buy new things, it makes me happy. If I can’t buy myself new stuff because I’ve bought other people stuff, I won’t be very happy.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #537

Today was just mreh.

College was mreh.

Not really done much.

We went for desserts after tea which was nice.

I got paid tonight. I made £500 and I was so happy about it. But £400 of it is going on LA so I’m not seeing that immediately. I have about £150 to myself which will probably go on Christmas presents and stuff but that’s okay. Next month’s will be all mine to buy things for LA. That’s after the £300 come out of it to go towards LA. Then whatever’s left after that will be spent on things for LA. I’m excited.

I don’t mean to talk about money a lot. I don’t care about money. It’s the things that money allows that gets me excited.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #536

Today, I went to college, then got my blood test done, then went to town with Joe and Ben, then went to work.

It’s been an okay day.

I’ve not spoken to Taya to properly end things.

I’ve not spoken to Em much, I’ve had one reply from her and that was it.

I’ve wanted to message Paige and Alicia but I’m scared to because I don’t feel like I’m presentable right now. My hair hasn’t been cut or I haven’t posted anything on my story. Nothing makes them want to talk to me.

I wrote that post earlier because I was thinking about some things at work. I don’t know, I act because I feel like society wouldn’t accept the real me, hence why it’s introverted.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Emily

I’m an actor.

I’m an actor who sometimes gets lost in his character. But I have multiple different actors. But as an actor, I get tired working, I get exhausted. Sometimes I need to rest. Not necessarily sleeping, maybe even just being an introvert for some time. Maybe not even being alone, just spending it with someone who you can be the actor around rather than being the character.

One of those people are you.

Sometimes, when we don’t speak for a long period of time, I start becoming the character and I forget the actor exists. But you always remind me who I am. I’m lazy, I’m stubborn, I’m ignorant. I’m not always smiley. But you understand that and I hope you accept that.

I’m not saying I am my depression though. My depression is the thoughts that come over me like clouds in the sky. But they pass; they come and go. But it’s still something I deal with and I can’t ignore it. I struggle.

- Thoughts while at work

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #535

Today I went to the doctors to get checked to see why I was going to the toilet so much. I need a blood test so I’m going tomorrow.

Then I went to college, had a lesson, chilled with Ben and Ella, then went home, then had another lesson, then had work.

That’s been my day.

Things have felt empty and off lately. I’ve not been happy.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #532, #533 & #534

Friday was just mreh. It was Newman Day at college which is a special day where everyone gets taken off timetable and we spend all day with our forms, attending talks from external people. I was just with Nicky and Alicia all day. Alicia is super cute and I wish I could get somewhere with her but I’ve tried over this weekend and it’s not worked. I don’t know what it is.

Saturday was a long day at work and then Joe came over after work because it was his birthday and I needed to see him. He loved the present I got him.

Today has been weird. Another long day at work and I spent the night hating myself and just stressing because my head wouldn’t leave me alone.

Goodnight.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #530 & #531

Yesterday was long. I was at college 9-11:30 and then work 12-9. I did nothing else. I just slept when I came home.

Today was meh. The start was crap, everything went wrong. Then it got better. I didn’t meet Taya because I got kept behind in class. Then I also woke up late this morning. But then I got my shoes reordered again because they ran out of stock but the guy who ordered them didn’t put my email in. But they’re coming tomorrow which is cool.

Em made me smile tonight. I made her smile too. It was just a cute moment.

Goodnight.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #529

Today has been odd.

I realised that looking at nice things is my cryptonite. They motivate me but at the same time I feel hopeless. I just want nice things.

I feel like I might be getting somewhere with Taya. I’m excited, actually.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #528

Today was strange.

I had a breakdown to Em tonight.

That’s all.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #525, #526 & #527

Friday was tiring but good. I met Em for dinner, had chilled lessons and then met Em again after college, before work. Then at work, a few people that I knew came in and that made work go quite quickly.

Saturday was chill too. There’s a lady called Chloe that came in for her daughters party not too long ago and I was the party host and she was so lovely. She came in again yesterday and it was lovely to see her and her fellow and their daughter. I also met her sons who were really cute. I love them loads, they’re great people. They gave me a donut even though I wasn’t on their party this time and it was so lovely. My old form tutor also came in and she was telling me that she had contacts at Media City and to let her know if I needed anything. Her husband used to teach me maths but he wasn’t with them this time. She said she was gonna come again soon and bring him. I can’t wait for them to come next time. Saturday night was crap because my mind wasn’t resting and I just felt shite.

Sunday has been crap too because I’ve been having really bad mood swings. I’ve just not been happy today and I don’t know what it is.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #524

Today was decent. I had one lesson at college because my second one was cancelled. I met Taya again today too and we can back to mine and we chilled. Things happened. It was nice. Then I went to work and did a nice party with some hyped children and I was in a good mood after spending the afternoon with Taya.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #523

Today was quite alright.

I had two chilled lessons at college and then finished at 11:30. Then Joe came over and we had dinner and chilled. Then I went to work.

It’s just been relaxed and nicely paced.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.