shane ocd truther

em - mid 20s - they/them - latine

[bad3idea3]

So Ilya and Shane's first game against the Bears post-outing is a surprising delight. It starts with a jumbotron video of street interviews of Boston fans being like "Yeah we thought Rozy was a total fucking idiot going to Ottawa but DAMN, moving for sexiest hockey player of the year Shane Hollander makes a lot more sense" which then fades into an Ilya Rozanov tribute video interspersed with various thirst-trappy videos of Shane to the song "Where is my Husband?" by Raye.

Ilya is delighted and even does the whole hand-waving choreography for "I would like a ring, a diamond ring" part in Shane's face as he blushes. He does this with his non-dominant hand of course, because they have been holding hands the whole video. (Shane will buy Ilya 7 different high-end diamond rings on Newbury Street the next day for him to pick from. Ilya like a good Slavic trophy spouse will pick all of them.)

And at the end, at the "Grandma said it," part cameras cut to Cliff Marlow in a curly gray wig and fake glasses shouting "Your husband is coming, Roz, don't fuck it up!

[eemolu]

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

[shane-bug]

Idiots in love

[sleepyeepy]

for one of their anniversaries shane gives ilya a receipt for two burial plots side by side and he tells ilya that not even death could separate them or something along those lines

everyone who hears this is like wtf shane that’s so morbid and creepy

meanwhile ilya is clutching the paper to his chest sobbing because he feels so loved and revered by shane in that moment that he tells him they might have to use his gift earlier than expected if he keeps pulling on his heart like that

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

Headcanon that the centaurs do see Shane first and foremost as Ilya’s husband because, duh, they knew Ilya first and that’s his husband — husband!!

And at first, Shane is like fuck yeah I get to be a husband, and then halfway through the season he’s like guys… I feel the need to remind you that I’m actually Shane fucking Hollander

The centaurs then begin treating Ilya as Shane Hollander’s husband. Ilya does not mind.

[thisfeebleheart]

If Shane removed all of the complications of their relationship—the rivalry, the expectations for both of them, the fact that Ilya was kind of a dick—he could just be proud of the fact that the man was really hot. Like, Shane had definitely snagged himself a ten.

[cherubheartz]

favorite phenomenon

[ocd-hollander]

Yknow I think shane should have a bigger dick than ilya just for the love of the game. Like everything is the same but he has a bigger dick. Why? Because rachel reid pisses me off

[penandinkprincess]

feeling unreasonably amused and fond about the idea of bb shane figuring out that timeout=having to go sit somewhere quiet and not have anyone talk to him

and thus putting HIMSELF in timeout especially at family events with a frequency that has other family members pulling yuna and david aside to be like, "he really didn't do anything wrong, he doesn't need to be in timeout. it's okay." and them having to figure out a way to explain that yeah, they know. this wasn't their call. he is free to leave whenever he wants. he's literally not in trouble for anything. he went up to yuna, said "mommy, i need a timeout" and then walked himself off to go sit in the guest room looking SO pleased at this loophole out of having to talk to people when he's tired of it.

[penandinkprincess]

he was GOING to let it go that parker took the cookie he wanted AND said hockey was stupid, but if that's what it takes to get a timeout 👊

[penandinkprincess]

okay but the scene of shane and hayden in the hotel room in which hayden is REPEATEDLY just trying to go, "yeah man, go have fun. I do not care." combined with the "is hayden your mother?" scene later on has me CACKLING imagining part of ilya's dislike of hayden coming from the impression that he's controlling of what shane does whEN NO, ACTUALLY

YEAH HE WOULD HAVE QUALMS ABOUT*WHO* HE WAS GOING TO SEE IF HE KNEW, BUT HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY CARE WHAT SHANE IS DOING

SHANE IS THE ONE WHO OFFERS A FULL REPORT AND ASSIGNS HIMSELF A CURFEW WITH NO PROMPTING

[heymacy]

insp. by this post by @wine-dark-sky

[penandinkprincess]

okay but ilya and cliff being besties but ilya rooming with connors during the club episode makes me laugh because i'm just imagining him being such a demon to everyone that they had to put being his roomie on ROTATION

[penandinkprincess]

"SOS IT'S A SHIRTLESS AND YELLING NIGHT. I REPEAT. IT'S A SHIRTLESS AND YELLING NIGHT."

[lavenderprose]

Things that are ACTUALLY in the Shane Hollander Mic'd Up compilation that we all wish we could watch through the portal:

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

- "Great goal. Great goal. Lyublyu tebya. Yes, baby, you did that."

[mina-logan]

Decided to add an Ilya set to the sketches and now they are reunited.

[jemimaland]

i think they’d get each other’s numbers tattooed. shane would do it bc hockey is his life and it wouldn’t occur to him to get anything else, and ilya would follow suit bc obviously.

also, i think their numbers are romantic. it’s not just a coworkers thing, for a while there their numbers were their primary identifiers. think of all the time they spent on the ice searching for each other’s numbers, i think that’s cute.

hockey is more than just their job it’s how they met, it’s a defining feature of their relationship, it’s shane’s passion, it’s a lot of things. i dont think that’s the only tattoo shane would get for ilya, i think he’d get something else i actually think he’d end up quite liking tattoos and getting a few of them i just think that ‘81’ is his first one.

also shane having an 81 on his hip lord have mercy my god

[cunning-and-cool]

[ocd-hollander]

Yknow rachel reid is right that shane is stupid. He drove hours with a butt plug on because his teammates implied he could be a vanilla virgin.