i just had a really weird hook-up experience and i guess i just want someone else's perspective on it because i'm a little shaken up. this is about a sexual encounter so obviously MINORS DNI
context: i am a cis woman and identify as queer, which to me means both being attracted to all genders and also not always fitting into the gender binary as far as presentation/behaviours "typically" associated with femininity. with that out of the way:
i meet this guy tonight for a drink. he asks me what queer means, since it's on my dating profile, and i explain to him what i just said above. we end up at my place and we start kissing and everything. i've always been more into being dominant in bed, and while that isn't the case 100% of the time, it is what i am mostly into. he can clearly tell this but says nothing of it and seems into it. we're kind of in the middle of things when all of a sudden he pulls back and tells me this isn't working. of course i ask him to explain what he means because i was just genuinely confused.
he tells me he isn't used to being with a woman who acts the way i do in bed and i'm like, ok man, we all have different preferences, sorry if i did anything that made you uncomfortable. which, to this point, it's all a little strange but can happen, maybe he just suddenly got cold feet. but then he starts panicking and asking questions about my preferences, to which i clearly say i prefer being dominant in bed. again he asks exactly what i mean, so i explain as best as i can because he didn't even know what i meant when i said bdsm, so i realised this guy was super vanilla and tried to explain the dom/sub dynamic to him. to this, he freaks out further, asks me if i have a strap on and if i had planned it to use it on him. to which i'm like??? no what the fuck this is stuff that you negotiate and that i would never do for a casual hookup??? in the midst of this he's just STARING ME DOWN and i'm genuinely starting to wonder if i have turned green or something because he's looking at me super weird and pointedly in the direction of my lower body. then he asks me if i am a trans woman (he didn't ask the question like this, but in a very transphobic way that i would prefer not to repeat). i am so stunned that i don't reply immediately so he starts going on that he doesn't mean to offend me but he feels weird about the whole queer thing, and me being dominant, and he's into women who "act more like women", which to him meant submissive. i find my voice back to tell him that i am a cis woman and my sexuality, gender identity and kinks/preferences are all very different things. he freaks out again and starts apologizing to which i'm like, it's ok, i'll even give you a cigarette, just. here's your shirt. then he asks if i want to eat something together and internally i'm like??? you just asked me if i was a man and said that me being queer makes you feel weird and like i'm not a "real woman"??? so i tell him that no, i'd just like him to go, to which he replies "ok, but you're not very nice". at this point i'm getting very pissed, so i just tell him "sorry for not being a nice polite woman like you would have liked" and then proceed to stand and watch in silence as he finishes getting dressed and leaves my place, still apologizing for offending me and still very much freaked out.
i genuinely don't know what the fuck happened. is this as simple as a dumb straight dude? did i just get a taste of transphobia even as a cis woman? did i just experience discrimination for being queer and not strictly adhering to gender roles?
i feel so weird about what happened tonight and i kind of hate myself for even going out with this dude. i recently broke up with my boyfriend and i have been going through it a little, but genuinely thought a date and sex might help me get my mind off it for a second, and now i feel like i never want to hear about dating or sex for the next 5 years.
idk i guess i just wanted to know if any of you have had any similar experiences or people reacting weirdly to you being queer/not conforming to the gender binary while in a sexual situation.
