deer____teeth

[papayafromtv]

honestly the whole deal of the batboys dressing up as each other for JLA business is, objectively, supremely funnier if their identities aren’t even hidden anymore. they don't need to fill in for each other, the kids just like annoying everyone. they'll swap outfits and lie whenever they can, just to see how long they can go before one of them gets caught out. they'll always get found in the oddest moments and it never fails to piss off everybody else at the Watchtower.

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

Arsenal, staring at the ground chastised, as Batman cries from laughter on the floor across the room: ...yes Richard. I will.

[papayafromtv]

no actually you know what? i'm thinking that the whole joke of 'Damian calls Jason his younger brother because Jason's age reset in the pit' is very very good. but i want more.

Damian will die on the hill that Jason Peter Todd is his son, and he takes no arguments on the matter.

listen i just really like those AU's where Jason is practically comatose/zombie-like when he first comes out of the pit, especially when Talia then assigns him as Damian’s protector because the only muscle-memory instinct Jason keeps is 'protect those smaller than him', because i really like the dynamic of Damian then having to be the one that takes up the mantle of helping Jason with everything he doesn't remember how to do.

Damian spends all day every day with Jason at his side. he washes Jason, dresses him, teaches him how to walk and move again, to speak and communicate, write and draw; and because Jason is Damian's bodyguard, he follows Damian around like a lost puppy. to Jason he's just slowly coming back to himself as a person while doing his job by protecting this kid--but Talia never told Damian that Jason was his protector, she just told Damian to keep Jason alive. And so everything Jason does, in Damian's mind (especially with the added context of Damian teaching him how to be alive again) is the actions of a vulnerable being looking to their guardian out of comfort. and of course, nobody else would fit the bill of guardian but Damian, the person who is practically raising Jason from re-birth.

Jason follows Damian around the compound because he knows he needs to protect Damian--Damian sees this as Jason wandering around after the only person he feels safe with, the person who looks after him, his guardian.

Jason watches over Damian while he trains with his tutors--Damian knows it must be scary for a child to be left alone in a place such as the compound; it's only natural for Jason to prefer watching his father train than be alone.

Jason takes care of Damian, ensuring he eats and sleeps--well Damian raised Jason by doing those same things, it's only natural that his child pick up on the only love language he is exposed to, trying to turn it onto his parent.

it goes on and on and on; everything Jason does with the mindset of looking after his new baby brother, Damian takes as a son showing appreciation for his father. it takes like. a solid six months for Jason to be self aware enough to clock that Damian is literally calling him 'son' and 'my child' and by then it's too late. Damian absolutely will not let it go.

i imagine it's one of those things where like, Jason tried to argue it at first but Damian was really insistent, and eventually Jason gave up because it was like 'what the hell, it's not like the kid has much that sparks joy in his life anyway, might as well give him this' and starts ignoring it, letting it happen. and then after a while he realises how much it seems to agitate Talia and Ra's and the whole thing becomes kinda funny so he starts calling Damian 'dad' and 'old man' and this delights Damian which encourages him even further and the whole thing just kinda ends up being one of those jokes that you go along with for so long that it's not even that funny anymore and you just do it out of instinct.

like--to be clear Jason is still the mental guardian figure out of the two of them, and he takes care of Damian. it's just that Damian's in complete denial about this and instead chooses to believe it's the other way around, which Jason lets him believe because it's kinda funny to watch peoples reaction to it. like at dinner, when one of the servants will bring out some kind of dessert and Jason will just turn to Damian and go 'can i have dessert now?' and Damian will look at his plate and say 'finish your potatoes' and Jason will sigh before listening. to Damian this is normal, and he does this because of course Jason would look to him for permission, that's his child; meanwhile Jason is watching Talia stare at them both across the table like she's about to call a fucking exorcist and internally he is just Busting The Fuck Up just waiting for the moment Damian decides it's his bedtime.

i also just wanna point out how funny this would be in Gotham, when Bruce takes in his biological son who for some reason seems to HATE him but refuses to say why and after a couple months of Damian treating him like dirt to the point where even Tim and Dick are confused he finally gets Damian to tell him what the fuck he did and Damian is just like 'you are the reason my son is in such mental pain.' and Bruce is just like.

what.

"did mother not tell you you are a grandfather?"

"w- NO??? YOU'RE ELEVEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A FATHER- ARE YOU OK?"

"of course. i consented to being my child's father from the beginning."

"ELEVEN YEAR OLDS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CONSENT TO THAT."

and Bruce is. having a fucking panic attack about the whole thing until eventually they run into Red Hood on patrol and Damian straight-faced tells him that this 200+ lbs clearly adult man is the grandson in question and he just fucking. mentally checks out for about 20 minutes.

for the record Jason has never been so excited in his life. he fully intends on coming around the manor in-mask twice a week from now on just so he can call Bruce 'grandfather' and Dick 'uncle' while they stare at him like he's the fucking predator from Predator.

meanwhile Tim found Jason's 'baby book' under Damian's bed like a week ago which is comprised of just photos of Jason at sixteen years old, identity visible clear as day, doing shit like training, trying to figure out how to use the stove, practicing spelling, throwing spit balls at Ra’s; all taken by seven year old Damian that are marked as 'my son's first year <3', and he was genuinely so fucking baffled about how the fuck things could have spiralled to this specific point that he's just decided to go along with it and pretend he doesn't know. that is not his fucking circus, keep those monkeys away from him.

[addictedtowritingsstuff]

DC fanfic ship recommendations:

Note: All on AO3.

SladeJay:

1. Worth Counting by Skalidra. This is a series with 8 works, on-going, with a word count of 103,806.

Summary: Alpha/Alpha, slow-burn getting together. Please mind the tags.

Last updated: 01/22/26

2. Made to Order by anotherDeadRobin

2/2 chapters completed. Word count: 16,617.

Summary: Jason owes Slade a favor, leading him to take a road trip through the south.

Note: this shits funny as hell.

3. (Merc)urial Desires, by firefight & Skalidra

8/8 chapters, completed. Word count: 37,676

Summary: Alpha/Omega. Getting together.

4. Happily Ever After by, scandalsavage

On-going series with 4 parts. Last updated: 01/16/23. Word count: 44,555

Summary: No Cap AU. Slow-ish burn. Note: Please mind the tags.

5. Nothing to Nobody by, Jae_Cillian

Completed, 11/11 chapters. Word count: 95,701.

Summary: western AU. Bounty hunter Slade.

Note: Please mind the tags. Usually I don’t like AUs but the author did an incredible job.

6. home safe by, sevener

Completed. Word count: 6,308.

Summary: Jason breaks into Slade’s apartment.

7. Building something new by, anotherDeadRobin LOCKED

Completed. Word count: 6,377.

Summary: Slade fixes Jason’s armor. Getting together.

RoyJay:

1. I've Got You by, Jae_Cillian

Completed. Word count: 5,277.

Summary: Pre-Relationship Roy taking care of Jason.

2. More than a Drifter by Jae_Cillian

Completed. Word count: 22,281.

Summary: Western AU. Getting together.

Note: again AUs aren’t usually my thing but it’s Jae_Cillian so it gets a pass.

3. The Spark by AlexaAffect LOCKED

Completed. Word count: 8,269

Summary: Jason and Roy get together. Jason just doesn’t know that.

SuperBat:

1. Leap of Faith by, Arwriter

Completed. Word count: 3,472.

Summary: Bruce is afraid of Clark.

Note: please mind the tags.

2. Space cellmates by, BoredomBeckons

Completed. Word count: 2,417.

Summary: Identity reveal. Crack.

3. I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am by, Mardiaz173

Completed. Word count: 12,920.

Summary: Clark has a crush on Batman. Identity reveal.

~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s all for now but I’ll probably make a part two eventually :)

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 43 (masterpost here)

Dick: -i will tell you one thing about my childhood, and that is i have never once called Bruce dad.

Jason: i did call him daddy once when i was thirteen, but it was to piss him off.

Dick, fondly: oh yeah, i remember that.

Jason: yeah i used a real sexy sultry voice and did it in front of four potential WE investors and he wouldn't let me patrol with him for a week.

Tim: Jason, you're a horrible human being.

Jason: no, what was horrible was when Bruce was visibly displeased with me trying to cat-call him in public, i said 'alright fine, be unappreciative, i'll find a new man', and then i turned to Dick and called him daddy to piss Bruce off further, and without missing a beat Dick matched my tone of voice and went *coy, flirtatious tone* 'well hello to you too, baby boy, you wanna come home with me?'

Tim: *bursts out laughing*

Dick: listen- LISTEN. we had a PACT. we PROMISED each other that if one of us started a bit at a gala, the the other HAD TO CARRY IT ON WITHOUT QUESTION. I WAS TRAPPED.

Jason: yeah Bruce was like, really mad at us the next day, because some of the newspapers started printing us on the front pages with theories that i was like- brought in as the Wayne-Family-Concubine or something.

Dick, sombre: the pack omega.

Jason: the pa-*loud cackles* *struggling to breath* you- you piece of shit- *wheeze*

Tim: *uncontrollable laughing*

Dick: i'm just saying-

Jason: *cackling* fucking- don't say that shit out loud. don't bring forth that idea. don't let the people of Gotham hear that shit and add it to their Gotham-elite fanfiction headcanons,

Dick: *wheezes* I HAVE THE GET THE IDEA OUT THERE SOMEHOW HOOD, IT'S A SEVERELY LACKING TROPE.

Jason: FUCK YOU-!

Tim, through giggles: you guys are such fucking weirdos,

Damian, deadly serious: if... you... two... start talking... about fucking fanfiction again... i am going to cut off your legs and drop you both in the harbour.

Tim: *cackling*

Dick: this child is not down with the ao3 culture.

Jason: wait till he finds out what a lemon is,

Damian: i can swing to your location in under five minutes. fucking try me.

Jason: -this coming from the anime enjoyer is insane, by the way.

Tim and Dick: *burst out laughing*

[doingthewritethings]

i just have so many THOUGHTS abt sladick as horrible hatesex and sladejay as life partners. i just want to CHEW ON THEM

[doingthewritethings]

i think the first time dick grayson (sees himself as a tool to be used, in every possible aspect) (existence is a means to an end) (sacrificial lamb complex) has sex with slade (chose the work over his children) (values autonomy over all else) (human weapon complex) to distract him from a target they have a fight and the fallout is so bad that like six rogues willingly turn themselves in at the arkham gates

[doingthewritethings]

sladejay, alternately, absolutely under no circumstances should work out but jason is such an absolute fucking freak of a guy that he’s. well he’s scaring slade a little. please we’ve fucked six times tonight.

jason is having a lot of sexual awakenings (was too busy with the revival and the murder plot and the mental illness to have normal puberty) (saw slade tear a man’s throat out with his teeth yesterday and popped a boner so fast he thought he might throw up)

[doingthewritethings]

i do also think that jason mentions in passing (as pillow talk) (he truly believes this is pillow talk) (somewhere roy harper is screaming and he doesn’t know why) about his whole deal with bruce and slade is like oh yeah i could probably get a cool 60 mil for that. and it’s done in 48 hours. jason imprints like a baby duckling and this is not necessarily a good thing but it is what has happened. he gets them shared custody of a cat the next day. slade does not want the cat but he does the thing with it that dads who Do Not Want The Cat do.

actually now that i say this i think the joker keeps coming back in more and more improbable ways and it’s kind of like enrichment for slade. maybe that’s how he and dick could work. just get him one guy he kills on a biweekly basis

[doingthewritethings]

also. this is a nightmare scenario for dick obviously and i think that’s half the appeal. your worst and messiest ex has somehow made your younger brother-ish figure the happiest man alive. what the fuck. what the fuck.

[robs-your-robins]

I made a joke about Harvey being so guilty about shattering Batman's trust just as he was trying to get out of his comfort zone that he pays child support for Robin (Dick). Then he pays while Jason is around because technically Jason is Harvey's fault too because if he hadn't broken Bruce's heart then he wouldn't have got Dick, then Bruce would have never kicked Dick out and got Jason so yeah. Harvey leaves Batburger and rolls of hundreds under the Bat Signal for the upkeep of "the boys" the entire tenure of Robin I & II.

Then after Jason gets knocked out of the running (unrelated), the Joker is just glad to have his Bat back to his usual-ish self so he too starts paying child support for Tim and then briefly for Steph, mostly clown makeup, Joker toxin, acid squirting flowers, Bang! flag guns that might actually be guns and little notes saying shit like "Stay in drugs, don't do milk and drink your vegetables 💚"

Then when Damian arrives none of the Rogues have a clue what's happening because none of them are responsible for "knocking the Bat up" as they put the arrival of new Robins. Then at the monthly meeting of the Rogues, Ra's al Ghul rocks up asking where he should send the child support for Batman's new Robin, like what's the protocol and the Rogues are like, "the hell?" and Ra's just shakes is head and says that nope, wasn't him. And Talia comes in like, "I fathered that baby, where do I send the cheques? ":

[body-betrayed]

HERE ARE MY (sladejay) FIC RECS

Admirer by AstraEntropy

Deep Breaths by moltenmaw

street names and place names and all the names. By redhoods

Any sladejay fic by Skalidra is good too

Theres a few good ones by anotherDeadRobin as well!

OMG THANK YOU !!!! I know what I’m doing tonight. I’ll talk about my thots on them when I’m done

[lisholoz]

Discussed how funny it would be if Slade had no idea Jason was Red Hood before hooking up with him

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 17 (masterpost here)

Dick: *muffled snickers* there's no- Jason. there's no way.

Jason: *shuffles, the scrape of boots against stone* no hold on i can- i swear to god.

Dick, incredibly amused: *giggling* you cannot do this to me,

Tim: the hell are you two doing over there?

Dick: Jason's trying on the Nightwing suit-, yOU'RE GONNA TEAR THE ELBOW STOP WAIT-

Jason: ok if the fabric tears because of this then you really shouldn't be wearing it in knife fights. *strained* i got it... i just need to-

Tim: why the fuck are you- aren't you guys in public!?

Dick, absently, still amused: nah, enclosed rooftop hidden by an AC vent.

Tim: ....wait what the fuck are YOU wearing while he tries it on?

Dick: nothing and it's about to rain so hurry the fuck up Jason, i'm cold.

Tim: oh my god send me your location i'm on my way-

Jason: how the fuck do you not feel completely on show with this skin-tight shit- look how big my calves look in this thing!

Tim: i'm like one minute away from you guys hold on. Dick why don't you try on the Red Hood outfit?

Dick: when Jason took it off to try on my suit he accidentially dropped it off the edge of the roof and we can't be bothered to go get it.

Tim: ok i'm here- holy fucking shit. Jason how are you wearing that.

Jason, very strained: i like. cannot breath very well. look at my ass in this though it's like, almost bursting through the fabric- Tim do not fucking poke my ass i swear to god-

Tim, in awe: the tensile strength is struggling, dude. do you think it would break if you tried to do a flip or fighting move?

Dick: if we stick around long enough for somebody to need our help we'll find out. i'm honestly a little offended-

*two pings*

Dick: -like, am i petite? i thought i was well formed but now i feel small.

Bruce: Robin and i are en-route to your three's location, we need a group rendezvous. we have discovered information pertaining to last night's case.

Dick, casually: B, is Jason's ass bigger than mine?

Bruce, stumbling slightly: what?

Jason: oh my ass is definitely bigger than yours, it fills this suit out so much more than you do.

Dick, whining: but everybody in Gotham says Nightwing has the best ass of the bats!

Tim, absently: best doesn't always mean bigger,

Jason: yeah you would say that- stop POKING it- THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ASSHOLE.

Bruce: what on earth are you boys doing? we're almost at your location.

Tim: try striking a sexy pose. yeah- exactly like that. god i wish i had my camera right now, this could be sold for so much money,

Dick, distraught: you can't be sexier than me! Jason- Jason fucking stop it. cover your face up again- Tim go get his helmet-

Tim: we could make this a horny calendar.

Damian: father may i leave the call? i don't like these people.

Bruce, sighing: whatever you're all doing needs to stop now anyway, we're almost at your- what the fuck.

Dick: oh. hey. how has your guys' night been?

Damian: i've changed my mind, this is great. Todd you look like your head is about to explode.

Jason: i actually think my blood circulation stopped like three minutes ago. Tim if you poke my ass ONE MORE TIME-

Bruce, aghast: what on earth would posses you to- in public-?! Nightwing, put your clothes back on, and Red Hood- where are your clothes?

Dick: think of it as temperature training. do you know how cold my nipples are right now?

Jason: my ass is definitely bigger than yours, Dick.

Dick: bECAUSE OF THE FUCKING LAZARUS PIT- YOU BASICALLY GOT ASS ENLARGEMENT SURGERY FROM RA'S.

Damian: you sound jealous, Richard.

Dick: WHY WOULD I- take off my fucking suit Jason you're gonna break it.

Bruce, still horrified: what if a civillian saw you!??! your identities could be-

Tim: who cares about identities? they're gonna think they caught Red Hood and Nightwing in a sex romp. people will think Jay and Dick are fucking, that's what needs to be focused on here.

Jason: like Dickie bird could land somebody with this kind of ass,

Dick: -FUCK YOU-!

Bruce, gritted: put. on. some. clothes.

Jason: jesus. fine, prude. Day, go get my suit so i can take this thing off- TIM I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU BEHIND ME DO NOT.

Tim: *evil cackle*

Damian: this family is a travesty.

[soap-for-birds]

Damian is still a child guys

[papayafromtv]

I really do love that Batman is supposed to be this super strict and tough badass who has his rules and doesn’t budge on them for shit; to the point where unless they get express permission, the metas that literally make up his superhero team and closest companions aren’t even allowed to step foot in his city.

and then his kids come along and his entire backbone just falls apart at the seams.

Tim, walking into the cave and interrupting an online JL meeting: sorry just grabbing the bleach!

Bruce, pausing: what do you need bleach for?

Tim: oh, Jason killed another guy and wants help with the cleanup.

Bruce:

The JL, who know Batman as the strict ‘no kill guy’:

Bruce:

Bruce: …but just one? he only killed one, right?

Tim: yeah.

Bruce:

Bruce: bleach is over there

JL: ?!?!?!

-

Superman, video calling Bruce: i know you don’t allow metas in Gotham, but there’s a crossover between a job i’m on in Metropalis and a deal i believe to be going down in Gotham, so i was hoping that-

Bruce: no. send me the case, i’ll sort it. stay out of my city.

Superman: Bruce-

Duke appearing in the background of the call: B! COME LOOK AT THIS SHIT, I FIGURED OUT A NEW WAY TO USE MY POWERS!

Bruce: that’s great, chum! I’ll be right there!

Superman:

-

Batman: I will not have guns in my household.

Damian: you understand that both Pennyworth and Drake have firearms in the manor, correct?

Batman:

The JLA:

Batman: when did Tim get a gun?

Damian: when Todd took him and I to a shooting range and gifted us them.

Batman:

Batman: …you have a gun too?

Damian: i do.

Batman: but not in the manor right?

Damian: of course not.

Batman: oh thank g-

Damian, pulling out a handgun: i keep mine on me

Batman: oh my god-

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 3 (masterpost here)

*wind whooshing* *grunting* *the sound of scraping against stone*

Dick: you have to be cheating somehow, you could never do that jump before!

Jason: how the fuck do you cheat at parkour?

Dick: *pause*

Dick: secret.... winches.

Jason, incredulous: secret winches?

Dick: secret winches. you got like- i dunno. stuff to help you up here.

Jason: *snorts* you're a fucking idiot. i can do the jump because i got steroided by the lazarus pit and pokemon evolved three times the size of myself, dipshit.

Dick, humming: yeah, that must have been a culture shock.

Jason: well it was fucking something that's for sure.

Dick: did you ever get like-, like when you woke up and you were just over six feet tall. did it fuck with your head?

Jason: like did i forget and run into doorframes a fuck ton-?

Dick: -yeah, like what was it like?

Jason: *hums consideringly*

Jason: kinda like. what i imagine the hulk had to go through. like i was just suddenly real big and real strong.

Dick: was it cool?

Jason: parts of it were cool, parts of it- *wheeze* parts of it were fucking fantastic.

Dick, very amused: ok now- wait hold on- don't you give me that fucking look-

Jason: *laughing*

Dick: -alright. brother to brother, i feel like we're close enough with each other to discuss this as mature adults. but i have to ask,

Jason, audibly grinning: -oh, i'm proportionate.

Dick: *bursts out laughing* that- that must have been fucking wild-

Jason: IT WAS- it was- *breathy laugh* it sure was something-!

Dick: how long after you came out the pit did you notice?

Jason: how long- dude, instantly!

Dick: *laughing*

Jason: i was out that pit like that fuckin' tiktok audio, just 'woah woah, wait, where my dick at?!'

Dick: *laughing louder*

Jason: just climbing out, barely conscious, in the back of my mind like 'did they tie a weight between my legs or something because this shit ain't normal, why's it heavy'

Dick, crying: why's it heavy-!

Jason: i will say in all honesty i kinda forgot about it for a while.

Dick: how do you forget?

Jason: i dunno, just kinda doing my thing. mentally i was still like, fifteen, so as much as my cock did interest me, once Talia gave me a shiny sword i was like 'ooooh' and instantly stopped thinking about it.

Dick: was there not any like, mechanical issues?

Jason: mechanical- like, did it work? yes, dude, it fuckin' worked?

Dick: well i don't know i just feel like- it's probably like getting a new phone, right? like they're all pretty similar but when you transfer over to a new model there's an adjustment period?

Jason: OH- ok yeah, no, i get you. no there was definitely an- *slight wheeze* there was an adjustment period.

Dick: *starting to laugh* i don't even know if i want to ask,

Jason: *wheeze* well it was- like i said i forgot for a while, right? so the first time i slept with somebody,

Dick: *cackling* no, littlewing what did you do?

Jason: no i think i just ruined the mood a little bit in the beginning, because like- like it was just as much a surprise to me as it was to her, right?

Dick: *cackling even louder*

Jason: so she was- *wheeze* she was fuckin'- *high pitched, breathy* she was below me as i got it out, and she went 'oh wow, it's so big', and my fuckin' stupid ass was just- wide-eyed looking at it like 'jesus fucking christ it is isn't it?!'

Dick, choking: i can't- i'm fucking crying-

Jason: *half-silent wheezes*

Dick, slightly delirious: but didn't you ever, like, try it out alone beforehand?!

Jason: WELL I-

Damian: OH MY FUCKING GOD. S T O P.

Jason and Dick: *cut off chokes*

Damian: MAY I FUCKING REMIND YOU, that BOTH i AND Batman are on this line tonight!

Jason, slightly muffled: *shocked laugh* oh my god, B-?

Damian: he's been staring blankly into a gutter since Nightwing first mentioned genitalia.

Dick, high pitched through hitched breaths as Jason starts cackling in the background: yeah that's- that's our bad, B. Sorry about that.

Damian: i feel like i also deserve an apology.

Jason: *cackling louder*

[papayafromtv]

Batman gets home after a long day of patrol to find one of his newest enemies, the murderous crime lord Red Hood, in his personal civilian office. he prepares to fight despite having taken off all of his gear back down in the cave, only for Red Hood to see him in the doorway and without hesitation, he takes off his helmet.

Jason Todd stares at him from across the desk, tears and snot streaming down his face, and Bruce freezes.

“I don’t know how to hook up the new dryer i bought for my apartment and now my landlord is asking for bank statements to prove i can pay rent and my wifi keeps fucking up and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WATER PRESSURE IS,” Jason wails, distraught and sobbing harder than Bruce has ever seen before. he fumbles, jaw dropping, as Jason swipes at his eyes, sniffing. “THIS ISN’T FAIR,” he cries wetly. “I DIED BEFORE I LEARNT ABOUT TAXES, WHAT THE FUCK IS A STOCKS ISA??!”

Bruce bites his lip, deciding to not show his slight amusement. “Oh, chum,” he empathises.

“THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.”

“I know, I know,” he soothes, holding his hands up in submission and carefully moving forward so he could place them comfortingly on Jason’s shoulder. did he know what was going on? absolutely the fuck not. was he going to question it and scare away his apparently-not-dead-son? absolutely the fuck not. “How about some warm milk and cookies, and then you can show me the files that confuse you?”

Jason sniffs. “…and then the dryer?”

“I can hook up your dryer, chum.”

“…I’m not gonna stop being a crime lord,” his son warns, shamelessly using Bruce’s sleeve to wipe away the snot dribbling down his lip. Bruce bits his lip again.

“Let’s not worry about that right now. One problem at a time.”

“I also own zero spoons.”

“There’s some in the kitchen you can steal.”

“…Thanks, B.”

[stingrachelmha]

Government appointed annoyance

[caorannn]

Aizawa after making a "deal" with Shigaraki to stop him from destroying everything:

[octo--gon]

Not a ship, but it could be if you wanted it to, I don't care

[octo--gon]

Gravity Falls is on the mind again, as per usual, and I find myself wondering if Stanford brought back any alien diseases from his time in the portal. I mean, he was hopping dimensions for 30 years - surely, he's been exposed to some sort of alien virus or bacteria, at least in small doses. On the other end of that, did he lose his tolerance for diseases we brush off like the stomach bug or flu?