official bad girlfriend

officially bad at dating // she/her // Online dating fails. Side blog of @hyper-red

[officialbadgirlfriend]

A very sexy what?? Don't leave me hanging, Jon!

I can't even give him the benefit of the doubt that he accidentally hit send before he finished his thought because of the exclamation point.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

OKCupid tries to entice you to sign up for A-list by showing you one person who's liked and messaged you so you'll want to pay to see the rest. I don't know how the app chooses which person to show, but they should work much harder on that algorithm.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

No photos, and this is all the written profile this borderline child has. I was wondering how on earth we're a 93% match, but then I realized you can be a 93% match with anyone if you lie enough. Also, someone needs to inform young guys that "mature" is not a compliment the way he's using it, no matter how many MILF videos he's seen.

I did not message "Bear," but I did report his profile and I'm considering signing his email up for lots o' spam. Not just for being cringe-y in his quest for "mature" women, but also for predictably having 69 in his email address.

I showed this to some friends and we concluded that the name Bear is code for beer because he needs someone over 21 to buy it for him.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Okay, that's kinda funny.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

New psychology research uncovers women's and men's reactions to receiving unsolicited dick pics

Receiving unsolicited genital pictures from men appears to be a largely negative experience for most women, according to a new study publish

The research is in - the vast majority of women respond negatively to receiving unsolicited dick pics. This should not come as a surprise to anyone, but given how often it happens there must be quite a few unaware dudes out there. So I'm doing my part to educate - think of it as a PSA.

Link to the study referenced in the article:

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Most men who send unwanted pictures of their penises say the messages actually pay off

The research found men who send unsolicited messages tend to have low self-esteem, but the positive responses might help temporarily boost i

I'm calling clickbait on this headline. This is the paragraph the it references:

So most of the men said they got positive responses to dick pics "often." Aside from the fact that they didn't define what constitutes often (20% of the time? 60%?), I'm not sure I believe the actual numbers are as "often" as these dudes are self-reporting. The straight ones, anyway - according to my gay friends it's much more accepted and expected for them, so I'll take their word for it. But the headline makes it sound like dick pics have a much higher success rate than the article really pays off.

BTW, the rest of the article goes on to note that men who send dick pics are more likely to display narcissistic traits and low self-esteem, which does line up with what I've experienced of dick pics and their senders. What say y'all?

[officialbadgirlfriend]

What a charmer. My profile states that I don't want kids, so he's taking time out of his day to tell me how wrong I am because kids are a "binding agent" (like tapioca flour?) for long term relationships. Which explains why people with kids never split up, I assume 🙄

Quick rant: family is more than just kids ffs, and I'm getting real sick of people being shitty toward childfree people because we "don't value family." As though my parents, sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, multiple aunts and uncles, great-aunts and great-uncles, a soccer team worth of cousins, and all their spouses and kids don't count as family. Not to mention my chosen family of absolutely wonderful friends. Fuck this guy and every self-righteous asshat who thinks like this. /Rant

Further shit I noticed from this d-bag's profile: he's "not dumb," but he answered the question about what tv show he binged recently by noting that he quit drinking years ago. Combined with the binding agent comment, the evidence contradicts his "not dumb" claim.

Of course, he did mention how well he'd do if IQs were scored like golf, so maybe he was joking about any or all of everything he said. Plus he's too cool or too edgy to answer "politically polarizing" questions seriously, which usually means he's a far right wing asshole who's realized that his political views will not get him laid, so he's lying. This must be what makes him "best guy ever."

All of this nonsense makes it hard to figure out who this guy actually is, besides a douche who messages women to express his disapproval of our life decisions, of course. So it's a no from me, dawg.

Side note: my profile does not mention being anti-human or atheist, and I'm not either of those things in general, so idk what that's about. I am fond of animals and the environment, though, which I wouldn't have thought would ever be seen as negative traits.

[alldudsnostuds]

@officialbadgirlfriend HOW DARE YOU LIKE ANIMALS AND THE ENVIRONMENT YOU MONSTER

[officialbadgirlfriend]

FUCK THIS PLANET AND EVERY SPECIES THAT LIVES HERE! EXCEPT HUMANS! BECAUSE WE NEED BABIES TO USE AS BINDING AGENTS! - This guy, I assume.

[alldudsnostuds]

@officialbadgirlfriend you just know this guy pokes holes in the condom or takes it off during sex without the woman's knowledge

[officialbadgirlfriend]

10 to 1 he refuses to wear a condom in the first place because why should he "suffer" through sex that doesn't feel quite as awesome as it could when he could just leave his partner with the burden of raising his "binding agent" on her own once he realizes how much work child rearing is. And not even an orgasm for her troubles I bet.

[accidental-muse]

I was looking for other interesting ideas to expand my crotchchet line...I found a mini penis that was attached to a keychain 🤣 also a penis cover for pan handles

sis, i’m never gonna say no to a penis possibility. and fuck, i burn myself like once a week picking up a pan, so you can put me right down for the penis cover pan thing. 

potholder?

cockholder.

[alldudsnostuds]

@danipup idk what the product would be but I can’t resist the pun….cockpot (crockpot).

The penis keychain is simple just a smaller version of what I’ve been making so lemme know if you want one. I’ve got a bunch of commissioned pieces to do but once I get them done I’ll give the pan cover a try. Also on my list is the plug. And a mutual friend of ours sent me a link to a body pillow sized penis so if someone wants to commission that it’d make me super happy because I really want to make one but don’t want to be stuck with it in my apt lol

[hyper-red]

@alldudsnostuds - the “cockpot” should be a crockpot cozy with penis handle covers - the outside of my crockpot gets really hot and I’ve totes burned myself on it. Feel free to include some decorative balls on a string to adorn the handle of the lid. That’d be less functional, but that’s art, baby.

Also, may I humbly suggest “peenhandle” as a name for the pan handle cover. And flame retardant yarn for those of us with gas stoves.

[alldudsnostuds]

@hyper-red peenhandle yasssss. I’ll have to look into flame retardant yarn. @danipup she’s coming for you in the dirty crochet pun game. Crockpot cozy is a good idea but it’d be hard to make one that fits a variety of crockpotsv since they’re so many different shapes and sizes worth the dials in different places.

[somniarejo]

If/when you get a commission for the body pillow sized penis… I really hope it is someone not local. Because shipping it is something I will find greatly amusing… And if you somehow vacuum pack it to make it smaller…. Please negotiate with the purchaser to record the opening of the package…. Because… Growth… Hahahahaha.

[alldudsnostuds]

@somniarejo omg I both hate and love this idea

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Unboxing video of the century - it's a grower not a shower.

[somniarejo]

Hi everyone!

If any of you like to see clean-crafty-g-rated posts on your dashboards, please think about giving my new crocheting / Amigurumi / crafty blog a follow!

@knottycritters

Thanks for all your support!

(and here's a not-so-g-rated Amigurumi photo for your enjoyment!)

Have a pleasant day!

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Would masturbating with these on on your fingers as pictured count as an orgy? Asking for a lunatic.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

What a charmer. My profile states that I don't want kids, so he's taking time out of his day to tell me how wrong I am because kids are a "binding agent" (like tapioca flour?) for long term relationships. Which explains why people with kids never split up, I assume 🙄

Quick rant: family is more than just kids ffs, and I'm getting real sick of people being shitty toward childfree people because we "don't value family." As though my parents, sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, multiple aunts and uncles, great-aunts and great-uncles, a soccer team worth of cousins, and all their spouses and kids don't count as family. Not to mention my chosen family of absolutely wonderful friends. Fuck this guy and every self-righteous asshat who thinks like this. /Rant

Further shit I noticed from this d-bag's profile: he's "not dumb," but he answered the question about what tv show he binged recently by noting that he quit drinking years ago. Combined with the binding agent comment, the evidence contradicts his "not dumb" claim.

Of course, he did mention how well he'd do if IQs were scored like golf, so maybe he was joking about any or all of everything he said. Plus he's too cool or too edgy to answer "politically polarizing" questions seriously, which usually means he's a far right wing asshole who's realized that his political views will not get him laid, so he's lying. This must be what makes him "best guy ever."

All of this nonsense makes it hard to figure out who this guy actually is, besides a douche who messages women to express his disapproval of our life decisions, of course. So it's a no from me, dawg.

Side note: my profile does not mention being anti-human or atheist, and I'm not either of those things in general, so idk what that's about. I am fond of animals and the environment, though, which I wouldn't have thought would ever be seen as negative traits.

[alldudsnostuds]

@officialbadgirlfriend HOW DARE YOU LIKE ANIMALS AND THE ENVIRONMENT YOU MONSTER

[officialbadgirlfriend]

FUCK THIS PLANET AND EVERY SPECIES THAT LIVES HERE! EXCEPT HUMANS! BECAUSE WE NEED BABIES TO USE AS BINDING AGENTS! - This guy, I assume.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

@thatpolychick I've definitely read that the top two causes of divorce are unhappiness about money and kids. They keep things together about as well as nuclear fission.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Ever since I briefly tried Facebook dating (and then deleted it within like two days), I've gotten a flood of friend requests and messages from single guys on FB. Can't be a coincidence. I don't even have a relationship status on my account, so these dudes shouldn't even know whether I'm single, although maybe they're just assuming. Is FB trying to get me to reactivate my dating profile? If so, theyre gonna have to do a better job enticing me. This dude was like 20 years older than me and lives about 3 hours away. We had one friend in common if I remember correctly, but it was a local musician, so someone with a million fb friends, so I don't even know how he found me.

This is getting annoying, but at least he didn't lead by asking if I like to suck cock. So there's that I guess.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

@alldudsnostuds who'd've thunk, right?

[longseasons]

[babybear]

newborn babies when theyre hungry and their mom isnt in the room and they think she stopped existing bc no object permanence

[officialbadgirlfriend]

I don't actually know this guy, but we have a few friends in common, so I accepted his friend request. Clearly my mistake, as Christopher is rude and creepy as hell. I thought about telling him so, and I thought about just blocking him and moving on with my day, but then I decided to spam his phone for the next hour or so instead. If I'm still annoyed at the end of the hour I may do a second round of spamming, but with the "constant cats" theme. If you're going to be a d-bag to strangers (or friends of friends) on the internet, don't post your phone number.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

Learned a new word today: hobosexual. A person who quickly moves in with a significant other just to have a place to live that isn't couch surfing with whatever buddy hasn't gotten sick of them yet. I'd heard a related joke back in my days of dating too many band guys: What do you call a local musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

After a several month hiatus from dating apps, I decided to give Facebook dating a try. This may have been a mistake. Interestingly, FB dating doesn't allow screenshots, but I had to document this one. Good thing I'm a pack rat and never get rid of old phones. Ugh.

[yes-this-is-not-ok]

Oh good lord! You’ll have to let me know how FB dating goes for sure! I am going no where near that one 😂🤣

[silentlycrazy]

I....does this imply that most women are for everyone cuz...I think most women would disagree

[officialbadgirlfriend]

I don't even know what that pic means. No person is for everybody, and frankly, Vernon is probably not for anybody.

[officialbadgirlfriend]

After a several month hiatus from dating apps, I decided to give Facebook dating a try. This may have been a mistake. Interestingly, FB dating doesn't allow screenshots, but I had to document this one. Good thing I'm a pack rat and never get rid of old phones. Ugh.

[yes-this-is-not-ok]

Oh good lord! You’ll have to let me know how FB dating goes for sure! I am going no where near that one 😂🤣

[officialbadgirlfriend]

I already deleted my profile 🙃

[officialbadgirlfriend]

I imagine Schrodinger would be simultaneously pleased and horrified at this analogy.