Every word I cling on to, I reread over and over again just to hear your voice again in my head, but youre not intrigued enough to read from me? Don't want to waste your precious time reading my paragraphs? Not interested in my mundanity, not interested in my domestic. Yeah I talk to talk, but I treat your talk so much different than you treated mine. I tell you things because I love you, but inevitably it's skimmed over or not even attempted to be read. It's not fair. You've done this before, we talked about how it hurts me, and yet you still do it.
And you're not even interested in what I have to say to other people? You don't even go back to see what I've been telling others? How can you possibly "love me more" when evidently you don't even care what I have to say? It's just not worth it to read to you? You send me reels all fucken day but you don't have the time to read? You don't read books like this. You don't read your boys texts like this. All you got is "I'm sorry baby" well I'm fucking hurt. I'm hurt beyond what I'm saying because why wouldn't you read what I have to say? It doesn't matter you don't have anything to reply, just fucken something man. Even a little heart react emoji is enough, but now my trust is hurt where I don't even know if you're reading what you're reacting to or just skimming what I have to fucken say.
I have nothing to say to add value to you so you just don't put effort in. I'm hurt. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to you to have to deal with this. You shouldn't be forced to read something you don't want to but why do I read everything YOU have to say? I listen to your airsoft, your book rants, your tea, your everything. I ask engaging questions, I try to stay on topic, do I not do that enough? Am I actually not doing that? Because I can concede if I'm not doing something enough, I don't even realize I'm doing it but for you? This? Was a fucken choosen thought out option. Not just not reading it because it doesn't pass your mind to read it, but because it's a "to-do" list and that must mean it means NOTHING to me, right? No engagement, no questions, no comments, not even a fucken like except the part which validates you not reading it. It takes 30 seconds to read it, I reread the damn thing to make sure it made sense like 3 times before I fucken sent it to you and this is how you treat it?
Im not giving you silent treatment but I am now selective what I have to say. If it doesn't add information or value and it's too long, there's no reason to say it to you because It'll be a waste of energy, effort, thought, and care. What's the point of going on long rants and explaining what I gotta do when the point of connecting is just dropped because you don't even read it? My connection is how I show my love to you, I'm constantly trying to connect but maybe that's why you feel distant. Maybe that's why you think you love me more, because my love isn't understood. I don't know how to feel, because my hormones are out of whack and I'm still off my meds.
I wont even send this to you.
Because I know you wouldn't read all of it.
And every bit of this matters too much for it to be read over.
I refuse to be put into that position again.
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