Just a deer with
maws

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@offthemedsagain
Just a deer with
maws
Sometimes I wish we waited. I wish you kept my decree to myself. Not until 23. Not until 23.
Too late now
Every word I cling on to, I reread over and over again just to hear your voice again in my head, but youre not intrigued enough to read from me? Don't want to waste your precious time reading my paragraphs? Not interested in my mundanity, not interested in my domestic. Yeah I talk to talk, but I treat your talk so much different than you treated mine. I tell you things because I love you, but inevitably it's skimmed over or not even attempted to be read. It's not fair. You've done this before, we talked about how it hurts me, and yet you still do it.
What the fuck man
And you're not even interested in what I have to say to other people? You don't even go back to see what I've been telling others? How can you possibly "love me more" when evidently you don't even care what I have to say? It's just not worth it to read to you? You send me reels all fucken day but you don't have the time to read? You don't read books like this. You don't read your boys texts like this. All you got is "I'm sorry baby" well I'm fucking hurt. I'm hurt beyond what I'm saying because why wouldn't you read what I have to say? It doesn't matter you don't have anything to reply, just fucken something man. Even a little heart react emoji is enough, but now my trust is hurt where I don't even know if you're reading what you're reacting to or just skimming what I have to fucken say.
I have nothing to say to add value to you so you just don't put effort in. I'm hurt. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to you to have to deal with this. You shouldn't be forced to read something you don't want to but why do I read everything YOU have to say? I listen to your airsoft, your book rants, your tea, your everything. I ask engaging questions, I try to stay on topic, do I not do that enough? Am I actually not doing that? Because I can concede if I'm not doing something enough, I don't even realize I'm doing it but for you? This? Was a fucken choosen thought out option. Not just not reading it because it doesn't pass your mind to read it, but because it's a "to-do" list and that must mean it means NOTHING to me, right? No engagement, no questions, no comments, not even a fucken like except the part which validates you not reading it. It takes 30 seconds to read it, I reread the damn thing to make sure it made sense like 3 times before I fucken sent it to you and this is how you treat it?
Im not giving you silent treatment but I am now selective what I have to say. If it doesn't add information or value and it's too long, there's no reason to say it to you because It'll be a waste of energy, effort, thought, and care. What's the point of going on long rants and explaining what I gotta do when the point of connecting is just dropped because you don't even read it? My connection is how I show my love to you, I'm constantly trying to connect but maybe that's why you feel distant. Maybe that's why you think you love me more, because my love isn't understood. I don't know how to feel, because my hormones are out of whack and I'm still off my meds.
I wont even send this to you.
Because I know you wouldn't read all of it.
And every bit of this matters too much for it to be read over.
I refuse to be put into that position again.
I keep searching.
Over, and over, and over.
Just to restart the search again.
Please be okay.
Heat Isn't what it used to be. It makes me nauseous, it makes me panic, I succumb to it so easily. I remember lying on the forest floor and wishing to be gone.
I stay in the AC now.
I nearly lost my life in the woods while pregnant, in incredible heat and god I feel silly for even feeling this way. I feel like I shouldn't feel like I nearly died, I feel like I shouldn't have called for EMS or cops. I feel like I wasted resources. I feel like myself is a waste of resources right now, but I know that's the self doubt and self hatred. I wish I knew what to do with myself.
The flashbacks, both emotional and literal, are awful. I hate having to relive it over and over again. I dont want to remember it. I want it wiped from my memory.
(Tw for brief mentions of mental health struggles)
It may take some time and patience, butâŠ
It IS possible to survive hallucinations and thrive.
It IS possible to survive paranoia and thrive.
It IS possible to survive suicidal ideation/attempts and thrive.
It IS possible to survive mood swings and more extreme, long-term elevated moods/mental states and thrive.
It IS possible to survive intrusive thoughts and thrive.
It IS possible to survive SH and thrive.
It IS possible to survive SA/CSA and thrive.
It IS possible to survive traumatic experiences and flashbacks and thrive.
It IS possible to survive depression and thrive.
It IS possible to near-constant panic attacks and still thrive.
It IS possible to survive through cognitive changes and changes to your abilities and still thrive.
Your mental illness is not the end. Your disability is not all that you can be. Your struggles will not end you inherently.
It IS possible to find acceptance. It is possible to find people who care about and love you or to grow to appreciate your inherent self worth.
It is not a moral failing to struggle. Youâre lovable. Youâre valuable. Youâre alive, and that alone means that you have a chance in this world.
Itâs going to be okay. Hold on, itâs okay to find that balance between rest and fight for a better life, in whichever way that best fits you.
Donât give up.
I feel guilty for hurting
Even after all that has happened, I still hold on, in hopes that tomorrow will be better.
I feel so disconnected from every other person i question if im even still human anymore
By the way, PTSD flashbacks aren't always "suddenly you're in the moment again". They can be of course but emotional flashbacks are a kind of flashback too (remembering the event and suddenly feeling the emotions you felt in the event) just in case someone needed to hear it
i'll never be a man (suicide implying context) (transmasc vent context)
How do I convince the world I am who I say I am?
Why am I am tomboy? Why am I figuring things out? Why do I have to accept getting called she/her and why is it my name isn't my name?
Why do I have to be accepting? Why cant I be stern about it? Why am I labeled the crazy one for wishing people would TRY to understand? Im just hurt. So hurt. But this isn't about me.
Me: I overdosed and I am panicking, I donât think I should have done this, I am scaredâŠ
Suicide prevention helpline: Whatâs your favourite colour?