what if i say you love me

Oliver Dursley // Junior // He/Him Herbology Major // Slytherin i'm not going to lie a stubborn part of me keeps the hope alive that someday i'll be yours and you'll be mine and I know you'll never understand so to keep from losing my "best friend" i hold it all inside say you l o v e me we could build us s o m e t h i n g

[scorpiontheking]

head first into the abyss - scorpius&oliver

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpiontheking:

anything oliver said was obviously excusable in his mind considering he could’ve said something too and didn’t. all of it just felt like wasted time now and he hated talking about what could’ve been but he still wanted to know how oliver thought. ‘you’re not. you’re not insufferable at all… you’re really wonderful, ol. i know that i don’t tell you that enough but you really are wonderful. we’re both a little fucked up, aren’t we? i know it’s not the basis of a perfect relationship in any sort but you’ve never been a burden on me and this wouldn’t have changed too much at all. you’re not a burden, ollie. i adore you endlessly.’ scorpius reached out for his hands, just suddenly missing his touch immensely. he wasn’t even sure if now was the time for them both to jump into something serious and committed, but he didn’t like being in limbo. didn’t want to be halfway with ollie anymore, just… wanted the smallest form of stability, anything at all. ‘you are allowed to be mad, if you ever decide to be. it’s alright, i’ll understand and bend over backwards endlessly until you can forgive me. i did what i thought was right but i wasn’t very caring for the consequences. and.. i’ll never be doing anything like that again because i hate being alone. i hate not speaking to you and having you as a friend. i think i took our friendship for granted and it’s one of my most sincere ones. i love you ollie, i’ve thought about you everyday since i met you, even if i didn’t intend to and if… you ever want to give us a shot, i’m here and i’m yours.’

Everything Scorpius was saying --well, almost everything-- was everything he’d wanted to hear, the exact things his fourteen year old self had only dreamt of. But things were so different now. Mostly in a good way. His life was less hectic, his head wasn’t as much of a jumbled mess, things were good. But... “I...I’m...scared.” Just admitting that much was taxing, his hands tightening in Scorp’s own for a moment. “I don’t want to fuck this up, Scorp. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I can’t..I don’t...I want this --us, I do, but.” But he wasn’t good enough. He was better now but he still wasn’t good. Scorpius would get tired of him, for sure. Being friends was one thing, but dating. Merlin, it was everything he wanted but now that it could be his he found himself terrified. “I’m...afraid I’ll be too much. I can’t help it, but I just am. You don’t deserve to put up with that, I mean it. You don’t. You...you could do better. I-I love you. And screwing this up, screwing us up, it’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I...do want this, but if...if we go for this, we can’t just. Go all in. Maybe if we just...take this slow? It might...it might be better.” he rambled through his own insecurities, probably answering his own questions and fears, not letting go of Scorpius’s hands out of need for some sort of reassurance that this, the rambling and the nerves and the fear of ruining this because that was just what he did, was okay. Scorpius had always been there to listen, when Ollie had actually gone to him, and didn’t make his fears sound stupid, like other people did. Scorpius made him feel safe, cared about. For all his fears, even he could admit that much, could admit just how important Scorp was to him.

[scorpiontheking]

head first into the abyss - scorpius&oliver

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpiontheking:

‘i know, i know.’ scorpius just sighed, sliding down on the seat till his bed rested against the back and he could look away from oliver and up at the ceiling to think over his shit decisions. of course ollie would’ve understood… everyone would’ve understood but scorpius was just… stubborn. he looked like he wasn’t even listening, but he was. he absorbing in information before he knew what to say. then ollie got a tad bit more serious, so scorpius sat up and nodded when he said his name and it just seemed like this was going to be hard to hear. and… in a way it was fucking ridiculous because it was hard and easy at the same time. obviously he had no idea how to react so he was frozen just looking out at him with parted lips. ‘so.’ he sighed, furrowing his brows together, ‘everyone knew… except me? everyone–fuck, oliver!’ he pushed himself and up ran his hands through his hair as he absent mindedly walked back and forth. ‘it’s just.. ollie… i wish you would’ve told me sooner… because i spent years convincing myself i was delusional and that there was nothing more here. you know how i am, i like everyone. feelings, sexual or romantic and friendship and fuck all of that’s screwed up in my head and i spent so many years suppressing everything i feel about you because i didn’t want to ruin we had with something we may not be able to have anyway.’ he shook his head and went over to sit down beside oliver as his mind was trying to sort through his emotions because he just didn’t know what to feel. ‘i’m sorry i hurt you, ollie. i’m sorry i hurt you so many times, and if i ever made you feel little or just. you mean the world to me, you’re my best friend and i’m sorry for walking out on you.’

He’d had his reasons for not telling him. In the beginning, at least. He’d been in no shape, mentally, for an actual relationship, anything beyond casual hook ups that he still sometimes got too attached to, like some sort of idiot. He couldn’t have risked ruining everything. After that, when things were better, he’d just been stuck in his ways. How do you tell your best friend you’ve been in love with them for years? “I...I told myself it was better that I didn’t. You want to talk screwed up, I’m the fucking poster boy. I’m already insufferable as a friend, but anything more than that...I told myself you didn’t deserve to put up with that. You don’t deserve that.” He didn’t know whether the idea that they could have had...something, if he’d just said something, was terrifying or a better sort of shocking. It was all a jumble of emotions he couldn’t make heads or tails of, and it just stuck in his chest, heavy and constricting. “You had to do what you had to do.” Even if it did hurt. “I’m not mad at you.” Not right now. In this exact moment he felt too much and not enough but none of it was anger. “You didn’t...you didn’t mean to. To hurt me. I know that. Never doubted that for a second.” Not entirely, at least. Doubts did creep up, and it was hell when they did, as he tried to keep them from completely suffocating him. Scorpius was his best friend. There weren’t too many people still in Ollie’s life that he trusted more.

[olivcrdurslcy]

finally fixed up ollie’s theme =w=

[scorpiontheking]

head first into the abyss - scorpius&oliver

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpiontheking:

‘i know.’ he frowned, pulling his legs up and crossing them on the seat to keep himself from fidgeting too much. ‘i didn’t… intend to.’ scorpius bit on his bottom lip nervously trying to not coward out of this conversation. ‘fuck, okay. i did intend to. i wanted to leave and not look back because i made my life shit and i walked through this damn school every day with no purpose. and i couldn’t just pull purpose out of nowhere, i just.. had none. my mum died twelve years ago, my dad eloped and it still fucked me up. because… i just don’t think i ever grieved. i threw myself into relationships and sex and drinking and i thought i was so fucking brilliant. but i wasn’t, so i had to go. i just.. needed to run away and be alone because i couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror because i didn’t know who i was.’ scorpius didn’t see this as a sad thing anymore, at least not his bit, but when he thought about how he’d abandoned oliver.. yeah, that was gut wrenching. ‘but i didn’t intend to leave you. i meant to call so many times, but i’m that selfish that i just didn’t. i didn’t know what to say or how to explain what was going on because nothing and everything at the same time and i didn’t know how to say that. subconsciously, maybe i was running from everything but you. i.. how do i explain that i wanted you to run away with me but not throw your life away because of me? that i wanted what i wanted but i wanted what was best for you. i’m torn, it’s the truth. i’m so sorry i left you, oliver. you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.’

“I don’t get where you’re coming from. Not...not that much. Trust me, I fucking know what it’s like to realize your life is going nowhere, that you’re a stationery part of a whirring machine and sooner or later you’re just going to either break off or break the ones around you. I’m plenty familiar with not knowing who you are, but it was never something I could run from. So I did the next best thing. I pushed everyone away. I thought if you guys just stopped caring about me, the only person who could hurt me was me, and I’d fucking deserve it. You were one of the few people who didn’t let me do that to myself. You were there, and that was what I needed. If you think, for one fucking second, I wouldn’t have tried to understand what you needed if you’d just told me...shit. I...I don’t...” He stumbled for a moment, his mouth moving faster than his head, not quite sure how to articulate exactly what he thought. He was angry. Immensely so. Hurt, as well. On the opposite end of the spectrum, he was shocked. Had Scorpius really just..? “Scorpius.” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d called him that. “I...” The words seemed to stick in his throat, refusing to budge. But he had to say it. Scorp leaving seemed to prove that Oliver’s life wasn’t nearly as predictable as he’d hoped, and he had never gotten a second chance before. “I lied. For...a while. I got weird about us being friends --just friends-- but...shit, everyone could see I was fucking smitten. Everyone but you. My dad caught on by, like, seventh year. My dad, Scorp.” So now that was out there. And there was no taking it back. No way to laugh his way out of it. It was out in the open and he had no control over what that information did now.

[olivcrdurslcy]

Oliver: Wait, did you just flirt with me?

Scorpius: Have been for the past year, but thanks for noticing.

[wnq-writers]

I never learned how to love in small doses. I’ll give you my heart, my whole heart. And I’ll love you until I physically can’t anymore. And even then, I promise I will find a way.

Amanda Vegas   (via haylevmarshall)

[scorpiontheking]

head first into the abyss - scorpius&oliver

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpiontheking:

as ballsy as scorpius had been, approaching oliver was probably going to be the easiest part in all this. it was just, him. just him in particular that sent scorpius out of whack. what him and freddie had seemed purely sexual now, the romance was just their friendship shining through. what him and chany out was.. both, but nothing because they never wanted each other at the same time. but him and ollie? well, fuck that because ollie didn’t even want him like that. then again, scorpius hadn’t even realised he wanted oliver as more than just whatever they were before, because what he was good as was swallowing his feelings and not talking about it. ‘ollie.’ he spoke softer now, almost hesitantly sitting down across from him. ‘i missed you, ollie.’ he had to start slow, hadn’t even begun to consider what sort of consequences his actions would’ve had but the shock on the others face made him think what if people just thought scorpius was never coming back? that maybe he should’ve thought twice before making such an intense decision and not looking back. ‘are you… you gotta say something, man.’

“You left.” And it didn’t matter that he’d spent three months ignoring it, because now everything was staring him right in the face. He was here, but he wasn’t before, and Oliver hadn’t gotten any warning of either. “You fucking left.” And to Oliver’s piece of shit brain he’d been as good as dead for three months. What other reason would he have for not contacting him? It wasn’t like Ollie didn’t try, only to be met with silence. The only explanation, in his convoluted, desperate attempts at rationalization in the middle of a tailspin, was that he was just gone. He didn’t want to cry now. He’d done enough of that, when the change to routine was new and raw and he wasn’t going back to that. But the emotion he’d pushed down came reeling back, and he kept his words short, tense, hoping the way they wavered would go unnoticed. “Fuck you. I fucking missed you. You’re a dumbass.”

[scorpiontheking]

head first into the abyss - scorpius&oliver

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpiontheking:

( @olivcrdurslcy. )

where has scorpius been? good question. after spending christmas with his father and his now step mother in hawaii, scorpius realised he had absolutely no intention of coming back. truthfully, he didn’t care for school, even with just a year left in his degree. he didn’t want to go back, didn’t care for school dances, didn’t even really want to be around his friends right now. he loved them as always, just felt like his life needed to change… needed to move forwards. so he dropped out of school, figured he had his whole life to get a degree and hit the road… for a day before ending up in paris, france in a hotel for three months completely paid for by his father. thing was, scorpius hated change and everything had changed, even if some was for the better like zach and eli dating or draco finding love but… he was sick and tired of the same old routines and of course he’d skip town and not write to his friends or read any of the owls sent to him. spent three months doing nothing but everything at the same time. he felt free and refreshed and just… alive. he could feel his passion for life back again, realised why he was in university and managed to let go of some things he’d been holding onto for quite some time. like, stop fucking everyone if you’re looking for love, and if you are looking for love, give it a try rather than run away from it. so evidently he was back to go back to school and also fix his bloody mess of a love life before everything crumbled and he fell. same as before, just better dressed and with a new attitude. still didn’t bother writing to his mates or anything, just decided to waltz into school, roaming every corridor like he owned the place until he finally saw the person he wanted to see.                                                         ‘miss me, darling?’ 

See, over the years Oliver had learned better ways to cope with the tidal waves of emotion that threatened to pull him under at the slightest shift in routine. Before, back at Hogwarts, he’d just get angry. He’d push everyone away, figuring no one could hurt him if he didn’t have anyone, and maybe he didn’t deserve their company anyway. That thought still hit him from time to time, the thought that the people he cared about just didn’t care like he did, and maybe the person in the wrong was actually him. Scorpius had been one of his best friends, and if you asked he’d insist that was all. So when he’d just left, without so much as a ‘later bitches’ or some other weird form of goodbye that for Scorp was just normal, Ollie took it hard. But rather than drowning in thoughts that he wasn’t even worth a goodbye, he just ignored it. He threw himself into his work, figuring if he just stayed busy, he could avoid overthinking and spiraling. Because, logically, he knew people just left sometimes. It happened. But his brain hated him, and he’d do everything he could to ignore every irrational, self loathing thought. People left, and it was okay.

But that still meant he was busy, and this was his passion. This line of work was something he loved, something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. So it was easy to get lost in it. Which, on this particular day, was exactly the state he was in, absorbed in multiple volumes and jotting down notes from all of them, the voice not quite registering when it rang out. 

“If you’re not Lilium nepalense I can’t particularly say yes or no.” He answered, looking up after another moment, his eyes widening in recognition when he actually saw him.

[fernziel]

[olivcrdurslcy]

ok look i didn’t mean to start shipping scoliver as more than a brotp with hella sexual tension but looking back on it

oliver was like

straight up in love lmao wHOOPS sorry ollie

[chthoneon]

Favourite Shadowhunters Outfits: Jace’s green jacket in 1.08 

[olivcrdurslcy]

flynnbell:

“I-I keep he-hearing them o-over an-and over.” he breathed deeply, trying to calm down “It’s l-like they’re on r-repeat” 

“Yeah, I know. A lot of us are really shaken up. Do you want a Calming Draught? I’ve got a couple on me, if you need.” Technically speaking, the ones he carried were supposed to be for his own meltdowns, but he didn’t think in this situation anyone would fault him.

[olivcrdurslcy]

flynnbell:

“All the sh-shouting…The screams. M-Make it st-stop. M-Make it st-stop.”

“Hey, hey.” Oliver spoke softly, near him but not touching him. “No one’s shouting anymore, alright? Just breathe.”

[amethystdruse]

[fracturedpersonas-moved]

                                   I love him                               so much it hurts                 but I would rather suffer in silence                                 than lose him                                      forever

                                                                                 It’s better than nothing.

[olivcrdurslcy]

lyannayaxley:

“Is that how you’re going to be answering people every time they ask if you’re going? A simple no would’ve sufficed.”

“Yeah. Anyone with friends could tell you that a simple no never suffices in these situations.”

[olivcrdurslcy]

scorpicn-king:

‘but ollie…’

“C’mon, Scorp. If I wanted to look and feel like an idiot, I’d be all for going.”