OK, so I have lots of thinky thoughts on this and Iâve seen this post enough that I really need to express them. Iâm sorry in advance for my long-winded rambling.
First of all, I agree with this sentiment 100%. No one should shame anyone for ANY of their life choices, unless those choices are cruel and/or harmful to others. One of my best friends got married a few years back, and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I happily accepted. Weâve been friends for 20 years, and so she absolutely KNOWS my opinions and thoughts on a range of gender issues. My friend had a super-traditional wedding and took her husbandâs last name. I imagine if sheâd cared about my opinion on that matter, she would have asked for it. She didnât, so I didnât offer it. Iâve never offered it, and donât imagine I ever will. What matters is that her husband is a lovely guy and they are absolutely equals as partners and parents.
I have another friend who cannot WAIT to be a stay-at-home mom. Weâve been friends for almost 10 years, and this has always been her dream. She adores the domestic arts and is good at them. Sheâs also great with kids. Her fiance makes enough money for them to live (modestly but comfortably) on one income, and she just told me theyâre going to try for a pregnancy soon. I am so freaking excited for herâsheâs going to get to do her dream job! What could be better than that?
So, yes. On an individual basis, we support each other and donât try and impose the way that we want to live on others. That is a matter of basic good will and respect. But! Yes, there is a but. But this whole concept of âchoice feminismâ has a really dark side that I donât think is talked about nearly enough. There is a reason why the practice of a woman automatically taking her husbandâs last name bothers me as a general practice. There is a reason why the assumption that if one parent in a heterosexual pairing is going to stay home with the kids, it should be the mom. These opinions donât exist in a vacuum, and on more than one occasion, I have felt pressured to abandon any and all critical thinking on social issues because choice. Â
Personally, I think it is really fucked up that a woman taking her husbandâs last name is still the default in this culture. That a man choosing to do the same would be considered bizarre at best and a proof that he was whipped at worst. That when women choose to keep their last names, their children often automatically get their husbandâs last name anyway, making many women feel like their only choice is between being part of their own family or an outsider in it. That not automatically giving kids their fatherâs name is very rarely considered. That when a woman hyphenates, their husband often does not. That âit was really important to my husbandâ is considered a good enough reason for any and all of this. That men are never expected to make sacrifices for their relationships with women the way that women are expected to make sacrifices for their relationships with men. That we are all supposed to pretend that the convention of a woman surrendering her legal identity upon marriage has nothing to do with the fact that women are paid less, violated more, and generally considered less valuable and less human than men.
All I am really saying, I suppose, is that choice feminism should only, only only be about supporting individual human beings without being judgy jerks toward them. It should not be about shutting down the conversation on why certain practices have beenâand continue to beâ deeply disturbing. Because, unfortunately, I see that happening a lot. And that is nothing but a victory for a misogynistic system that seeks to silence us, confuse us, shut us down, and make us attack one another instead of looking at the real problem. I will never judge or criticize individuals for the choices that they make, even if I find them problematic. If, however, specific social issues and practices come up in conversation, I am sure as fuck going to continue to speak my mind.
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