borderline Perfect

Life's not so bad x

[olowuaru]

My blog!

I have a blog, please check it out

I never use tumblr anymore but still wanted to communicate with everyone as some of my posts were so popular. I’ll only use this to post my blog updates

NGL I find tumblr too full of whiney kids that aren’t even interested in helping themselves recover.. its also too triggering for anyone who is actually serious about recovering and improving their own life

Information about the disorder (that you cant find easily online), my thoughts, help and ways to overcome it

I’ve read through loads of books and hundreds of articles and trying to condense and share everything I’ve learnt to help benefit you in your own recovery

I spend a lot of time writing these and I know you’ll love reading them

overcomingbpdblog.blogspot.com/

lots of love xxxxx

[olowuaru]

Thoughts when stoned

When a baby of our own skin colour cries in need, we don't look at the baby with the idea it doesn't deserve our love and attention. We look at it as another human being that deserves our unconditional love and not for anything in return. Why as humans do we loose this connection when it comes to children of different skin colours or people crossing boarders in search of a better life. And then there's people who say they're proud of their country that was built up on colonisation, exploitation and cultural exchange. Want to put up more border so we can't see the others in pain. Maybe they're scared if we get a closer look we'll realise we all bleed the same

[olowuaru]

I think what happened was that living in a different city with no friends completely changed me. I had no friends. During my month long mental breakdown all I wanted my ex as a friend. I got annoyed at him for not getting a diagnosis. But that's because I just wanted him to feel better so he would care about me again. What he didn't realise is that I spent so many hours researching everything about every single mental health problem he thinks he has but in doing so I realised they were all so different, and I couldn't work out whether I liked him or not depending on what mental health problem he has, whether he was just being uncaring or whether there were reasons behind his behaviour. I also realised all of the mental health problems had basically a different language to speak in, I was just depressed, angry, alone and confused and just wanted him as a friend. But I'm glad I didn't, cause it has allowed me to rebuild myself, find out who my real friends are and find out how to cope on my own for once. It also made me read so many books about bpd and make so many discoveries about myself I now feel like I understand my actions and why I feel the way I do. I also never realised bpd is like emotional dyslexia and involves people to talk to you in a completely different language. And I also forgive and accept myself for once instead of seeing myself as a bad person. I can't wait for the day I'm ready and meet my soulmate and hopefully they'll love me unconditionally, and read books about my disorder and care enough to apply it to me. And they see me as worth it cause I know I am. And when I fall in love I do with my whole heart

[olowuaru]

So happy that I haven't felt the need to write anything here for ages. I used to only ever write whenever I was having intense mood swings/personality switches as a way to compare my feelings and keep track of them. Now I don't feel like I relate to any of them. Since coming home my moods been so calm and stable recently I feel like a completely new person. I don't feel broken or empty anymore. I don't feel alone or angry at anyone. I just feel completely present with myself and accepting life as it is. Always the biggest breakdowns cause the biggest personality changes and I think I really like the new me. I think I've finally found the real me. This personality doesn't involve me dying my hair/wearing makeup/wearing clothes i hate/putting up with negative people. I've now cut of so many people and am just focusing on doing whatever makes me happy, from watching TV, learning about psychology, learning circus tricks, enjoying myself. My biggest regret now is that my ex never got to meet me. Like his ex girlfriend is dead now and he still hates her. And only I know her side of the story, and how sorry she felt and how much she wanted him to remember her for who she was, not the crazy horrible person he last spoke to. Such a shame I'll probably never get to speak to him again, I think he would have liked me

[bramstrokerxxx]

My conversations with psychologists include far more of the phrase, “But I would never act on it,” than I feel they should.

[olowuaru]

Hahahaaa omg this is so me. They forever ask me how depressed I am during breakdowns and how much I feel like ending my life and it's always around 9/10. "Anything above 7 is a serious threat" "yeah but I probably won't ever kill myself"

[olowuaru]

The thought of leaving home and going back to work and the flat makes me so depressed that I refuse to. Don't think my boss will be happy with me

[microdoser]

alright but like

do any other borderlines experience really intense violent thoughts and urges towards people that dont agree with them? even about the littlest things? Like to the point of literally wanting to cause them physical harm or wishing terrible, inhumane things on them or wanting to kill them. Is this a bpd symptom?

[olowuaru]

Well everyone experiences bpd differently, but I’m going to say no, this is definitely not a bpd symptom. Sure I do sometimes get a little annoyed when people don’t have the same opinion as me (just like every other single person in the world) yet i’d never go as far as wanting to harm another person. We live in a world of subjectivity, there’s no right or wrong answers, so we shouldn’t hate another person for their opinion. So if you want to kill another person, borderline or not, you should really be in therapy for that, wishing another person to death is never a healthy thought. Also you should post things like this cause also other people with bpd may not experience this but read this and think it’s acceptable behaviour to have. Or even worse, non borderlines might read this and think everyone with bpd are sociopaths. Sure, we might experience a wide range of intense emotions, highs and lows, but we are definitely not all sociopaths. I for one have never hated another person in my life

[prozc]

if you read the post, you would have realized that what they are describing is intrusive thoughts, which often cannot be controlled and do not mean that they are a bad person. Let me emphasize this: Intrusive thoughts do not make them a bad person. Making someone with intrusive thoughts feel ashamed and guilty over their intrusive thoughts is uncalled for and shameful in itself.

they should be in therapy regardless of what intrusive thoughts they have, because they have bpd.

[olowuaru]

Well if they experience intrusive thoughts they should make it clear in their post. They should make it clear that the thoughts are not of their own. “Sometimes I have thoughts or feelings that I don’t feel relate to my actual personality, like experiencing intense rage towards a person that disagrees with me, even though I have no real intention of harming another person and I don’t know why I feel this way” that would be a better way of wording it. But actually, intrusive thoughts are not commonly a symptom present in the bpd diagnosis and it would be more than likely the intrusive thoughts were due to a different mental health issue such as ocd/ptsd/body dysmorphia but not bpd itself, even though people with bpd normal experience other mental health issues. Regardless, borderline or not, anyone that says they want to kill another person for basically no reason makes them sound like a sociopath. I’m not saying this person is a bad person. I’m saying they need to reword things online cause writing things like this and applying it to all people with bpd is very damaging. There’s too much negativity around the diagnosis already. There needs to be more posts focused on people with bpd recovering, feeling empathy, and capable of being functioning members of society. And there’s to many vulnerable kids on here that will read these posts and become easily influenced. They might not experience this but want to fit in with the bpd diagnosis and subconsciously start mimicking the behaviours of others, potentially ruining their own relationships and stunting their own recovery. This person is looking for validation of their feelings. True validation must come from within and not strangers online. And why would anyone look into healing themselves if everyone around them keeps giving them the validation they want

[olowuaru]

Feel happy to be alone for the first time in my life and it's awesome :)

[microdoser]

alright but like

do any other borderlines experience really intense violent thoughts and urges towards people that dont agree with them? even about the littlest things? Like to the point of literally wanting to cause them physical harm or wishing terrible, inhumane things on them or wanting to kill them. Is this a bpd symptom?

[olowuaru]

Well everyone experiences bpd differently, but I'm going to say no, this is definitely not a bpd symptom. Sure I do sometimes get a little annoyed when people don't have the same opinion as me (just like every other single person in the world) yet i'd never go as far as wanting to harm another person. We live in a world of subjectivity, there's no right or wrong answers, so we shouldn't hate another person for their opinion. So if you want to kill another person, borderline or not, you should really be in therapy for that, wishing another person to death is never a healthy thought. Also you should post things like this cause also other people with bpd may not experience this but read this and think it's acceptable behaviour to have. Or even worse, non borderlines might read this and think everyone with bpd are sociopaths. Sure, we might experience a wide range of intense emotions, highs and lows, but we are definitely not all sociopaths. I for one have never hated another person in my life

[olowuaru]

Splitting

When I look back on all the times I would split on someone it would be because I really liked the friendship cause I was so lonely, then the person would do something that irritates me, and then I'd be stuck between putting up with someone or being alone. Or when a person did something that annoyed me it would give me anxiety and trigger a detached mood swing. If you keep splitting on someone this is s massive sign that you need to love yourself more. I know this is hard and a horrible concept, but we can't keep relying on other people for our happiness then get upset when they take it away. Just cause we didn't ask for bpd doesn't mean we should be all we can to get better and improve our lives. Are you doing all you can to get better? Are you in therapy or practicing on yourself, are you reading every self health book you can find, are you eating well, are you using natural supplements, are you meditating?

[olowuaru]

Maybe you split on someone, not cause there's something wrong with you or you're a bad person, but just cause they're just not meant to be in your life right now

[olowuaru]

I don’t need anyone to love me or validate me, I can do it myself. I’m such a nice loving person. I make so many people happy. I make my mum proud. I have many friends and have already experienced so much in life. I’m a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and a beautiful mind living in a beautiful world. Life is good

[olowuaru]

Never felt so happy to be single in my life. Since my ex got angry and blocked me I finally could see his true colours and finally no longer in love with him or want him back. I remember all the times I was upset and wanted to talk about his behaviour and he’d just be like “are you just having a mood swing” and it would make me feel bad like I was over exaggerating and then I’d get in a negative self loathing loop. No, I don’t think they were mood swings, it was just how bad he made me feel. Since I’ve been so happy and stable and free. I feel like I don’t even have bpd anymore. A boyfriend with mental health problems worst than mine is way too triggering. Feel like I’ve dodged a massive bullet. No more anxiety, no more worrying about him, no more unpleasant thoughts about what it would be like living together. I’m a pretty smart free bird with a big heart and the world is full of amazing things I have yet to discover :)

[olowuaru]

You know what, I was going to wait to actually speak on the phone so I could actually hear if you had anything to say. I was even going to praise you once again, holding on to this idea that maybe one day you might change your mind about me and we could be back together. I mean before I got pissed off at you taking drugs but it wasn't till last weekend till I took some myself I remember how great they are and could see why you wouldn't wanna talk much the day after and was gonna forgive you for it. But now I feel like such an idiot cause I realised you don't even care. You know what, you did hurt me. You knew I had bpd before getting with me, you knew I'm sensitive, you know I get moods swings, but how else do you really think I'm going to act when the person I'm in love with, who I tried giving everything to, tells me they lost all feelings for me instantly then uses the excuse "that's just not how my brain works". And I forgive you for your mental health problems yet when it comes down to me saying sorry you put all the blame on me and don't apologise and remind me of how much I hurt you. That is emotional abuse. So then when I tell you I'm feeling suicidal you tell me to "stop guilt tripping". And when I'm having the biggest mental breakdown of my life and ask you just to be there for me as a friend, you tell me "this is harassment, I'm so done with you." If someone tried to kill me then said they were so depressed and needed a friend regardless if they had hurt me I would still check they were alright and be there for you. "But that's not how my brain works" well I think you use your mental health as an excuse for how much of a uncaring person you really are. Cause at least everyday I'm trying to improve my mental health yet you can't even be bother to get a real diagnosis. You just sit around claiming things and uses them as excuses in your life. And then you have the cheek of saying I was only with you cause I liked the idea of a relationship, but no, I really loved you and now I don't know why. Cause it was obvious you only liked me and wanted to talk to me when you saw me as an escape and when I was buying you things. But now that you don't need an escape or money you just stop with me all together. And that's why I'm hurt

[olowuaru]

But I’m so nice and caring. People say I’m good looking. I’m intelligent and passionate and always pushing myself so much. Everyday is a struggle but I try so hard to make myself better. And when I love I love with my whole heart and will literally drop the world for anyone I care about. My life has literally been hell, I’ve been hurt by so many people and had so many bad things happen yet I always try and stay so positive, and even go out of my way to help others when in need.

But why do I always feel not good enough that I run away from people who see me for this yet choose to go for someone who doesn’t love me and hurts me non intentionally.

Why can’t I love myself. If I can’t love myself how will anybody else

[olowuaru]

Oh how I wish I could turn back time. And go back to a time we were happy together, when you were excited to have me in your life, when you loved me. When you would hug me and say you loved having me around. To think all the happiness turned into the largest amounts of pain I've ever felt in my life. Life was so unbearable without you that I couldn't stand the idea of being without you, and now that's exactly what I have. Not even as a friend now to help me through this depression I'm stuck in. And I hate myself more everyday. And I feel lost and like I can never trust anyone again. But you know what, I'd do it all over again

[olowuaru]

To begin with I thought I was just in a relationship cause I couldn't stand being alone and just wanted attention. It wasn't until my friend called me up last night and gave me so much love and appreciation that I realised that it was never what I wanted. It was always you