“You’re just more interested in girls right now because you’ve been hurt by a lot of guys recently.”
Because loving girls is safer.
Because none of it is real.
Because it didn’t hurt at all being passed over for the prettier girl, twice, even though she was straight. (”She is coming around.” “I think she wants to experiment.”)
Because I didn’t cry myself to sleep for days when the girl I had feelings for invited me to a sleepover and fucked a guy in the bed next to me when she thought I was sleeping and when they finished whispered “I’m too good at sex to be a lesbian.”
Because it didn’t kill me inside when after I told my mother that I liked girls as well as boys she said “I’m really not okay with that.”
Because I haven’t heard “It is just a phase” so many times that over a decade later, I’m still questioning the validity of my feelings and wondering if I will “grow out of it”.
Because I didn’t have to fight back tears when my gay friend told me “You’ve only ever been with guys, so you can’t say you’re not straight.”
Because I haven’t ever felt pressured to pursue relationships with men just because they are easier for my family and friends to accept, even though they never felt quite right.
Because I haven’t been dumped, volunteered for threesomes, called easy, or treated like a party trick by my boyfriends when I have told them.
Because I have had to specify so many times that just because I am interested in people of any gender, does not mean I am interested in everyone.
Because if I am with a guy I am straight. (I am not.)
Because if I am with a girl I am gay. (I am not.)
Because I can’t use either of the above as an umbrella term without being called out for it.
Because before I could rejoice in finding a label that fit, I discovered that I didn’t fit the label.
Because at age 27, I find myself unable to tell who or what I am attracted to because I’ve had my feelings dismissed as aesthetic attraction, strong admiration, or a “girl crush” so many times that I don’t even know what sexual attraction is anymore, let alone whether I have ever felt it.
Because I feel so different from all of my friends and everyone I know that I am afraid to find out what I am because I don’t feel like anyone will ever understand.
Because I am tired of having to defend myself from people who try to explain me away as something easier for them to fathom.
Because I am so far away from understanding myself that it feels like I never will.
But you’re right, this is easier.
izzy806
ellievsbear
andulkaphoto
amandla
gamechangershow
