deb

"At first I wondered why the room felt so safe. Then I realized it was because there were no windows."

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

masterlist

hachi

letter to the one I couldn't save (I let you drown)

to my dearest of them all

I can't love you like Orpheus (you are not Eurydice)

I want to l_ve

all I needed was a mother

random sh!t

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

I love the idea of plants. plants take root somewhere and never leave. they serve as some kind of constant. the more you water a plant the more beautiful it looks and the healthier it is. and when a plant dies, it does gounded to the same place it was created in and ultimately grew in too. earth is the planet of plants, it births them and they live in it until they eventually die. which they do rooted to earth as well. more or else the only constant a plant has ever had is the steady ground it originated from. and I find this beautiful.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

"on sunny days I go out walking/ I end up on a tree lined street"

sunny days are probably what I hate most in the world. they make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. they make me feel especially depressed. and I feel so out of place. on sunny days I can't blame my sadness or my sour mood on the weather. on sunny days I don't have a reason as to why I'm sad. I just am. and it feels so devastatingly wrong to be sad when the world is beaming.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

"did you ever get everything you wanted? no, but I was once really close."

except "close" was the last time I hugged any of parents without feeling like I didn't belong in the arms of the ones that once held me with such tenderness that today I wouldn't recognise to be my parents'.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

"you're my best friend, now I've no one to tell

how I lost my best friend" - the frost by mitski

isn't that literaly satosugu?

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

all I needed was a mother

The vast difference in the way my mom treats me to the way she treats my sister makes me wonder if she even sees me as her child. Or most importantly if she even likes being my mother. To my mom my sister has always been her child that unfortunately happens to be my father’s as well. In comparison to the way she views me: as my father’s daughter she just so happened to be the mother of as well. She only loves me because I am her child. In fact it isn’t even love that she feels for me, in reality it is obligation disguised as love. She feels obliged to love me because she gave birth to me and therefore she is tied to me by nature. She loves me because she has to. Because she is my mother. And everyone knows that mothers love their children. Right? I can only imagine what the life of a child showered by its mother’s love must feel like. And now I wonder, why do some people even bother having kids if they’re not mentally in the right place to raise them. Me and so many other like me deserved to have been raised in a loving family but instead we got to carry our parents’ trauma on our small shoulders. Looking with our childlike eyes full of wonder and confusion at them and wondering what it was we lacked that deemed us unworthy of our their love. “don’t be too harsh on your parents. It’s their first time living life”, what a lame excuse to try and cover up all the wrong doings some parents do. especially when the receivers of their consequences are their own children. It was their children’s first time living life as well, but they didn’t seem to care when they grounded them to a life that could never be enough due to the trauma they passed upon them.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

andeptus on tt

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

I want to l_ve

I want to live on a hill overseeing the sea. I want it to be uninhabited. I want to be the only person there. I want everyone to forget about my existence. I want to go somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. I want to live. for once in my life I want to feel the way I used to when I would watch the sun set from the highest cliff in my village. I want to experience the sensation I would get whenever I would find myself sitting on the sand, watching the waves crushing at the sore during the late hours of the night when the moon would shine the brightest and the world would cease to acknowledge my existence and nothing bad could happen to me. I want to feel free. I want to be accompanied only by a small notebook in which I would write about everything and anything.

I want to live at a time that the world is the most miserable it will ever be. I want to be a philosopher during war. i want to be able to write about all the ugly emotions war portrays on the faces of the innocent and non innocent alike. i want to study mankind's most inhumane and ruthless side. I want to be able to feel people's misery in every fiber of my being. I want it to be the bane of my existence. I want to live. and then I want to die, knowing I got to live. I want to live. I want to love. I want to leave.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

I can't love you like Orpheus (you are not Eurydice)

Orpheus turned around. 

Unfortunately, he got only a glimpse of Eurydice before she was once again drawn back into the underworld. When Orpheus turned his head, Eurydice was still in the dark, she hadn't seen the sun and, as Hades had warned Orpheus, his sweet wife was drowned back to the dark world of the dead.

But still, Orpheus had turned around.

-

I was walking down the street one Friday night, the breeze making my locks fly around. I was lonely and alone and I couldn't wait to go home and drown in the pit of my misery.

At least I would be safe.

It had been ten minutes since I logged off and the route to my house was about fifteen so any given moment now I would get a glimpse of my apartment building in the distance. 

And if I couldn't have been any more right, there it was, in all its dull glory, waiting to invite me into its jaws and eat me alive.

I loved that apartment building, it looked so miserable and was so dull that I couldn't but associate it to myself.

With a lilt to my step I started towards it.

_

She was here. 

Infront of my apartment door. 

She was holding a bouquet of purple tulips. My favorite color and my favorite flower.

She was sleeping so she didn't sense me getting out of the elevator and I was thanking every higher above that the soundof my platforms (the ones she had gifted me on my eighteenth birthday) tapping on the floor didn't wake her. 

Looking at her closer, I realized she must have waited for me, sat on the dirty floor in front of my apartment door, for at least a couple of hours. Hence why she was sleeping.

But what confused me the most wasn't other than the fact she was sitting directly in front of my door. Not next to it. She was practically blocking my only way in. And if I wanted to get inside I would have to go through her and disturb her sleep. I would have to wake her and gaze into her eyes again. 

She probably knew that I wouldn't turn around for her. She knew that I wouldn't open the door if I knew she were the one waiting on the other side of it.

She was right.

I wouldn't.

To love is to turn around.

And I stopped looking behind my back years ago.

Because I had gotten so used to seeing her by my side.

I forgot that me and her weren't Orpheus and Eurydice, we were Altair and Vega and the milky way that separated us was the trauma that bonded us.

How cruel to be separated from the person you love by the one thing that brought you together.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

"That's what happens when you rot somewhere long enough: you start to call it home" - The Night We Met by majjale

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

to my dearest of them all

Consider this a farewell letter you will never receive. I’m writing you this as a proper goodbye you will never get the chance to be given and I will never initiate. I have picked up smoking lately as a sense of consistency, a way to never let you go. Smoking makes me think of you, not that literally everything around me doesn’t, but with smoking it’s different. Maybe because it was one of your favorite hobbies but it fills me with a sense of solace and a melancholy like no other, for I miss you greatly. It’s the only thing I have left of you, the one thing that connects me to you. Smoking is the closest I can get to feeling close to you. I don’t really smoke, except of course for when the weight of missing you every second of every hour gets so unbearable that I seek it out in agony in order to find some steady ground to step upon; so that I can find comfort. You actually will never believe how many letters I have written to you and how many poems I have dedicated to you. I say this is my last but I always come back. You know I think that part of me comes back because somewhere deep inside I still have some hope left that we will eventually get back to how we used to be. It’s quite silly of me I must admit.

Lately, while the process of you gradually drifting all the farther away from me and going places that I cannot reach, it has been getting harder to look at the moon, especially when it’s full. The moon has always reminded me of you, even in darkness it shines. You were my moon. It’s embarrassing just how much I miss you. I see you in everything around me: the moon, the sea, couples walking while holding hands, old people eating by themselves, children playing at the playground, rain during school hours, I even get reminded of you from the sound of people laughing or smiling or even crying. I see you in all of those things because of their humanity and the way they ground me down to earth. You were all of those things for me. You kept me alive for such a long time, it’s funny to think about. I lived for you. And I still do, I want to be here so that I can see you achieve all of your dreams and become what you have always wished for. I will be watching over you through all of it, so just promise me you will do your best. So long as I am alive you will always be loved and cared for, even if you’re not aware of it. You are love after all. The love you have been searching for, it was always there. It has always lied inside your soul and I hope you come to realize one day that loving you came to me as easy as breathing for you were love. You are the love you have been searching for.

Sometimes I still write your name on my arms and hands when I’m in class and I get a little bit too bored. Stupid isn’t? You will probably never know but every time I listen to my favorite song I think of you, simply because just like that song that no matter how many times I listen to my love for it never falters, I will never stop loving you as well. When we parted ways I had the urge to curve your name on my skin as an attempt to keep you with me forever, or at the very least to have something to remind me of you till I let my last breath. I would be hoping it would never fade. But now you are gone. Part of me prefers it that way, so I can love you from afar and that way my love won’t be too much.

You probably think nothing of it but that time when you opened up to me about your father and your relationship with him is one of my most cherished memories of ours. You trusted me enough to tell me. I helped you by listening. I comforted you when the words where too much to utter. I was there. You thanked me for being there and told me you had never expressed this whole thing to no one before. I thanked you for trusting me.

Another moment between us that altered my brain chemistry is of all the times you would refer to your mom as my mother in law. You know how much I hated the idea of becoming a parent, in fear that I would turn out like my parents. But for you I would shove that fear down, because being a part of your family was way more important to me. I would work it out, I would be a good mother, just for you. Please, no matter what happens always be happy. That’s all I want of you.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

"If a Tree Falls in the Forest, and There’s No One Around to Hear It, Does It Make a Sound?" - ruckus l.j shen

"But I know a sound is still a sound around no one" - I want you to love me by fiona apple

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

letter to the one I couldn't save (I let you drown)

Hey, do you think that if we met under different circumstances we could still be together? Do you think that had we met in different points in life we could have maintained our bond and stayed together till old age did us apart? I used to have my doubts about you loving me but I have a clear vision of your feelings for me now. I know you once loved me but I also know that at one point you lost all feelings of love and adoration you had developed towards me. It makes me a little bit sad thinking about what we could have been, it makes me even sadder thinking of what we once were. I remember one time when I expressed to you my desire to be dead and how you reacted to it. “It feels as though I’m not doing enough to save you” that’s what you had told me. To be completely honest I had no idea that you were looking out for me in such a way. I didn’t know you were trying to save me from those dark thoughts. Maybe if I had known I would have tried harder to let myself be saved. Maybe if you had told me sooner I would have actually come to a point where I wanted to be saved. That love letter you made me a couple of weeks after we first met (although it was not exactly a love letter. I still remember it very vaguely. It was a drawing you had made me decorated with hearts and shielded with a bright red mark of your lips in the middle) I still cherish it in my memories. Those six months I spent by your side are the most memorable months of my life. I have loved a lot of people in my life, some romantically others platonically but no one quite reached the depths of my heart you did. And if they ever did they wouldn’t manage to dig deeper cause they would see your name embroidered in every crevice of my soul and would understand that that place is reserved for someone else. No matter how many people I fall in love with, how many haircuts I get, how many countries I change or how many years pass you will always be my only hero. You  will always be the only person I ever dreamed of spending the rest of my life with and the only one that had ever made me think of having a family of my own in a better light.  My heart will only ever belong to you. Sometimes it screams out your name, in hopes that you will listen and come back home. Some other times it whispers it instead, hoping that you will feel it calling out to you. Regardless your name is the only one my heart knows how to spell.

[onedayiwillgrowwings]

hachi

I feel as though everyone around me has such a bright future ahead of them, meanwhile I’m just there. I stick out like a sore thumb. I simply exist without any purpose. I feed people lies of my bravery. I realize, somewhere in my scattered thoughts that I simply exist to one day die. I’m nauseatingly ordinary. I’m one of those people I would see in the streets and wish to be nothing like in the future. Now I’m just like them; miserable, lost and unapproachable. Everyone around me will achieve such great things and I will always just watch from the sidelines. Always so close to actually getting on stage but never close enough. I think what makes me so miserably ordinary is the fact I’m me. Who I am has stripped me away of all of my potential. If someone else were to get my wasted potential they would surely make it into something great; something out of the ordinary. But I have been cursed with the most unfortunate curse one may know; the disease of being who I am. Being me has taken away from me every single chance I have had at doing something to be remembered for. My self has taken away from me my chance of living up to the title of the gifted kid; someone with so much potential and someone so interesting. Someone who mattered and someone I would be proud of. Someone I am not and someone I can only wish to have been. How strange it is to be anything at all.