One Hundred Seconds Of Solitude

Short stories and shorter-than-short stories for people with lives to get on with

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

We’re All In Piss Together

A lot of people have been asking me what i thought about High School Musical 2 and it’s time to set the record straight: while it might boast some of the freshest tunes of the whole series, it is quite obviously the weakest instalment. If that remark makes you angry then I want you to chill your baby-beans and consider the following:

About 1% of it is set in a high school. Why did they even bother.

It takes place over summer in a country club that is apparently so understaffed that it is prepared to hire around 20 teenagers on the jot, this despite none of them having any experience in anything other than dancing, smiling and basketball.

They are frequently left in the kitchen unsupervised for long enough to enact entire musical numbers while banging on pots and pans in utter disregard for COSHH training and basic safety procedure.

This includes the chef child; at no point do we see any other chefs. We are expected to believe that this high end country club caters to hundreds of people with ONE FUCKING FIFTEEN YEAR OLD CHEF WHO HAS NEVER WORKED IN A PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN AND IS TOO BUSY TREATING THIS ONE AS A GODDAMN DISCO DANCE FLOOR WHAT THE FUCK ZEKE.

“Gotta Go My Own Way” may be one of the finest songs in the HSM repertoire but it involves Troy and Gabriella, two people, singing to each other in four part harmony, which doesn’t so much suspend disbelief as kick it right up the shitter.

What’s more, the song regularly features them having to overlap with their own vocal lines in such a way that for large portions of it they are not even singing the fucking thing. At times, this High School-less musical barely functions as a musical. It should have been called Crap And Irresponsible Country Club With Songs.

So as you can see, HSM 2 gives the franchise a bad name and can mostly piss the hell off. Mostly. Good songs, though. I give this one two and a half Zac Efrons out of five. Nathan out.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Sk8r Creep

So in the song “Here’s To Never Growing Up” Avril Lavigne remembers good times from her youth, including “Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs” and it’s meant to invoke rose-tinted nostalgia but honestly the more I think about it the more I am terrified by the image of a group of sixteen year olds running down the street screaming “YESTERDAY I WOKE UP SUCKING A LEMON” over and over in off-key 5/4 time and Avril you’re lovely but that is some scary shit.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Adult Life

Me: I want to read this smart book and better myself. My brain: You want to go on Reddit.

Me: I will go on Reddit and find interesting discussion topics and learn both sides of the debate on complex current affairs. My brain: You will go on /r/animalsbeingjerks and scroll through endless gifs of cats slapping dogs until your eyes melt.

Me: I want to put on some modern jazz. My brain: You will put on The 1975. Again. And then wonder what ever happened to Limp Bizkit. And then put on Limp Bizkit.

Me: Getting hungry now. About time I crack open this cook book and… My brain: Coco pops. You are having coco pops for dinner because you are a man-child.

Me: hmm this exhibition at the national gallery looks interesting… My brain: shut up and finish your damn coco pops, Netflix won’t binge itself.

Me: I am a grown-ass tax paying adult man. My brain: KEEP ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ WHAT? KEEP ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ COME ON AND NOW I KNOW YALL BE LOVIN THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, L.I.M.P BIZKIT IS RIGHT HERE…

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On Daydreams

I just had a nap and in my dream I was eating crayons which are delicious in dreamland and I ate a whole box before I realised I was doing something stupid and I didn’t want anyone else to see what I’d been eating but I had to get it all out of my mouth and I mean my mouth at this point is FULL of crayon mush and I’m secretly trying to remove it and like its in my teeth and bits come out when I sneeze and then I woke up and let me just say that I’m still very unhappy about Trump but it’s such a relief about the crayon thing.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

ON MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Watching MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like watching a two hour adaptation of a POWERTHIST VIDEO which doesn’t seem like a lot but it is SUCH A LOT because MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like a SERIES OF ANIMATED BIKER TATTOES soundtracked by AGGRESSIVE INDUSTRIAL TECHNO and the LEAD SINGER of the AGGRESSIVE INDUSTRIAL TECHNO BAND is a LIVE PUMA and the puma is ON FIRE and the fire is MADE OF CHAINSAWS AND ANGRY BEES which is very angry but not as angry as MAD MAX FURY ROAD because MAD MAX FURY ROAD is as angry as a BUS DRIVER IN RUSH HOUR AT PADDINGTON STATION which is confusing and hard to navigate but not as hard to navigate as MAD MAX FURY ROAD because trying to understand the dialogue in MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like trying to overhear a neighbouring conversation in a DEBAUCHED UNDERGROUND NIGHT CLUB during AN APOCALYPSE which is a good way to spend the apocalypse rather like watching MAD MAX FURY ROAD which is like A TWO HOUR VISUALISATION OF A KING CRIMSON GUITAR SOLO SPEEDED UP TWELVE TIMES while next door your flatmate is listening to RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES and having FURIOUS BDSM SEXUAL CONGRESS WITH A HYENA and THE FLAT IS ON FIRE and THE FIRE IS ALSO ON FIRE and there is SAND LOTS OF SAND SO MUCH SAND and OLD WOMEN WITH GUNS and YOUNG WOMEN WITH GUNS and THE KID FROM ABOUT A BOY is grown up now and HE HAS A GUN TOO and CHAINS and SILVER SPRAY PAINT and YOU HAVE JUST BEEN WATCHING MAD MAX: FURY ROAD FUCK YOU and GOODNIGHT.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On Game Of Thrones

Just finished Season Five. Well done Game of Thrones on a cracking finale to the series. I love how it all worked out in the end.

The part where everyone thanked Jon Snow for being a great team leader warmed my little heart. Especially when they brought out the cake and all sang ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’, sure enough I found myself chiming in!

And Arya was able to put everything behind her and get into a top Bravosi University for Gender Studies and History. You go girlfriend!

And having Bronn do a cheeky rendition of 'Up On the Roof’ but with the words changed to Game of Thrones stuff, could tell that was put in just for the mums at home! He’s still got it, ladies. Must say even I felt my butter churning a tad. #gayforBronnNoHomo

Speaking of mums, I’m feeling a bit sorry for Danaerys at the moment, she’s got quite a handful with those boys of hers, not the least them being dragons and that. I’m sure my mum felt a bit like I was a naughty dragon at times in my awkward teen years, haha. Hopefully next year she’ll be bringing out her Supernanny and giving them some proper ground rules! Love ya Danny, keep up the good fight! And stay away from that Jorah, girl you know he only after your tralala but I don’t think he’s ever gonna be ready for that jelly, no mam.

And well done Stannis for patching things up with your daughter, it’s obviously confusing for her basically having two mums AND two dads, but it’s good you reminding her that it only means double the amount of love in the family! Looks like Brienne’s around the corner to help out for babysitting if you all ever need a grown-ups’ night.

Got to hand it to Cersei as well. Standing up to those nasty village folk and really showing them who’s boss! She’s like Beyoncé without the booty and she don’t even need it to throw her weight around. WHO RUN THIS MOTHA, am I right?

And lastly, good to see that pesky Ramsay finally being sent to bed with no supper. About time he learned that actions have consequences.

Wholesome family entertainment at its best. Three and a half roast chicken dinners out of four.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Zoopla On A Budget

In today’s episode we’re looking at what Zoopla offers in London for less than ten grand.

Saved up a couple of bob from shining bankers’ shoes and holding up a sign with an arrow to the nearest peasant-baiting arena?

Well congratulations, you may now burn your rental contract and move in to the big boys’ world of ownership, of your very own garage, one of four in a lot in Sydenham, SE26, for eight thousand pounds.

The arrow is actually an artistic addition of Zoopla so you know that yours is the one with shit graffiti on its face. But not as much as the one with lots of shit graffiti on its face.

Ideal for composing authentic garage music, or stacking cardboard boxes into a car shape and covering them in tarpaulin to convince people that this is where you keep your ‘Royce or your 'gatti or your 'rrari or your 'sche. With a suitably blinged out tarpaulin and well-contoured boxes you might even convince yourself enough to stop crying for ten minutes.

It also has optimum roof space, allowing you to climb on top and huddle in a foetal position, staring across at the family in the neighbouring house, just like The Man In The Iron Mask gazing at a full moon.

What’s more, I understand that the twigs and sticks in a circle to the right of frame are communal. You can play caveman. You basically are a caveman at this point, the main upgrade being that your cave has a door. And some shit graffiti.

You too can live the dream, so long as you’re one of those people who have the same recurring dream of chasing after your potential as it runs off into the sunset, before giving up and watching it float away like a day-old 40th birthday balloon, destined to land somewhere on top of a garage, one of four in a lot in Sydenham SE26, for eight thousand pounds.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

I saw this statue of a real G in the Whitney Gallery

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Adult Life

Me: I want to read this smart book and better myself. My brain: You want to go on Reddit.

Me: I will go on Reddit and find interesting discussion topics and learn both sides of the debate on complex current affairs. My brain: You will go on /r/animalsbeingjerks and scroll through endless gifs of cats slapping dogs until your eyes melt.

Me: I want to put on some modern jazz. My brain: You will put on The 1975. Again. And then wonder what ever happened to Limp Bizkit. And then put on Limp Bizkit.

Me: Getting hungry now. About time I crack open this cook book and… My brain: Coco pops. You are having coco pops for dinner because you are a man-child.

Me: hmm this exhibition at the national gallery looks interesting… My brain: shut up and finish your damn coco pops, Netflix won’t binge itself.

Me: I am a grown-ass tax paying adult man. My brain: KEEP ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ WHAT? KEEP ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ COME ON AND NOW I KNOW YALL BE LOVIN THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, L.I.M.P BIZKIT IS RIGHT HERE…

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On The Force Awakens

It was quite good. I liked the part where the good guys fought the bad guys. And when they go back to the cantina on Mos Eisley and its gentrified to shit and Death Sticks cost 40 space dollars a pack, the traditional bulbous-headed clarinet band has been replaced by bearded space folk electronica and at least forty minutes of the film are spent with the heroes waiting outside for their table.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On Guardians Of The Galaxy

I really really wanted to like it so it pains my heavy heart to say that Guardians of the Galaxy really kind of sucked a bit. Or slightly more than a bit. Not a lot, but certainly slightly more than a bit.

It was like opening up a bag labelled Walkers Salt and Vinegar and you’re like ‘yay this is right up my little ginger alley", but the bag turns out to be filled with Sainsbury’s basics ready salted and just one or two very minute nuggets of poo.

Like not enough that you seriously notice but just these tiny little flecks, like the foily yellow bits in goldschlager, that make you go “hmmm I swear these very plain crisps have a lilliputian soupçon of shit in them”.

Groot was pretty funny I guess, and maybe the raccoon. They belonged in a better film. They were the Galaxy truffles in the box of Celebrations you find under a park bench on Peckham Rye Common. Well done them.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Sk8r Creep

So in the song "Here's To Never Growing Up" Avril Lavigne remembers good times from her youth, including "Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs" and it's meant to invoke rose-tinted nostalgia but honestly the more I think about it the more I am terrified by the image of a group of sixteen year olds running down the street screaming "YESTERDAY I WOKE UP SUCKING A LEMON" over and over in off-key 5/4 time and Avril you're lovely but that is some scary shit.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

We’re All In Piss Together

A lot of people have been asking me what i thought about High School Musical 2 and it's time to set the record straight: while it might boast some of the freshest tunes of the whole series, it is quite obviously the weakest instalment. If that remark makes you angry then I want you to chill your baby-beans and consider the following:

About 1% of it is set in a high school. Why did they even bother.

It takes place over summer in a country club that is apparently so understaffed that it is prepared to hire around 20 teenagers on the jot, this despite none of them having any experience in anything other than dancing, smiling and basketball.

They are frequently left in the kitchen unsupervised for long enough to enact entire musical numbers while banging on pots and pans in utter disregard for COSHH training and basic safety procedure.

This includes the chef child; at no point do we see any other chefs. We are expected to believe that this high end country club caters to hundreds of people with ONE FUCKING FIFTEEN YEAR OLD CHEF WHO HAS NEVER WORKED IN A PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN AND IS TOO BUSY TREATING THIS ONE AS A GODDAMN DISCO DANCE FLOOR WHAT THE FUCK ZEKE.

"Gotta Go My Own Way" may be one of the finest songs in the HSM repertoire but it involves Troy and Gabriella, two people, singing to each other in four part harmony, which doesn't so much suspend disbelief as kick it right up the shitter.

What's more, the song regularly features them having to overlap with their own vocal lines in such a way that for large portions of it they are not even singing the fucking thing. At times, this High School-less musical barely functions as a musical. It should have been called Crap And Irresponsible Country Club With Songs.

So as you can see, HSM 2 gives the franchise a bad name and can mostly piss the hell off. Mostly. Good songs, though. I give this one two and a half Zac Efrons out of five. Nathan out.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

ON MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Watching MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like watching a two hour adaptation of a POWERTHIST VIDEO which doesn’t seem like a lot but it is SUCH A LOT because MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like a SERIES OF ANIMATED BIKER TATTOES soundtracked by AGGRESSIVE INDUSTRIAL TECHNO and the LEAD SINGER of the AGGRESSIVE INDUSTRIAL TECHNO BAND is a LIVE PUMA and the puma is ON FIRE and the fire is MADE OF CHAINSAWS AND ANGRY BEES which is very angry but not as angry as MAD MAX FURY ROAD because MAD MAX FURY ROAD is as angry as a BUS DRIVER IN RUSH HOUR AT PADDINGTON STATION which is confusing and hard to navigate but not as hard to navigate as MAD MAX FURY ROAD because trying to understand the dialogue in MAD MAX FURY ROAD is like trying to overhear a neighbouring conversation in a DEBAUCHED UNDERGROUND NIGHT CLUB during AN APOCALYPSE which is a good way to spend the apocalypse rather like watching MAD MAX FURY ROAD which is like A TWO HOUR VISUALISATION OF A KING CRIMSON GUITAR SOLO SPEEDED UP TWELVE TIMES while next door your flatmate is listening to RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES and having FURIOUS BDSM SEXUAL CONGRESS WITH A HYENA and THE FLAT IS ON FIRE and THE FIRE IS ALSO ON FIRE and there is SAND LOTS OF SAND SO MUCH SAND and OLD WOMEN WITH GUNS and YOUNG WOMEN WITH GUNS and THE KID FROM ABOUT A BOY is grown up now and HE HAS A GUN TOO and CHAINS and SILVER SPRAY PAINT and YOU HAVE JUST BEEN WATCHING MAD MAX: FURY ROAD FUCK YOU and GOODNIGHT.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

Hmmm...tough one, Netflix.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On Life

I was watching David Attenborough and there was a scene with two angry monkeys on the edge of a cliff and they were from different tribes and they hated each other so much that they were fighting right on the cliff edge, inches away from falling to their collective monkey death but they were way too caught up in their dumb little monkey smackdown to help each other back off the cliff and nope this isn’t a metaphor or anything monkeys are just fucking stupid.

[onehundredsecondsofsolitude]

On Daydreams

I just had a nap and in my dream I was eating crayons which are delicious in dreamland and I ate a whole box before I realised I was doing something stupid and I didn't want anyone else to see what I'd been eating but I had to get it all out of my mouth and I mean my mouth at this point is FULL of crayon mush and I'm secretly trying to remove it and like its in my teeth and bits come out when I sneeze and then I woke up and let me just say that I'm still very unhappy about Trump but it's such a relief about the crayon thing.