“Clammy hands. I’ve always had clammy hands. Can’t help it. It’s a medical condition. You could be the nicest person in the world, but the moment you feel these wet hands, you’re going to make a face. People always ask if I’m nervous. Women wipe their hands on their jeans after meeting me. High school was brutal. It was like walking around with permanent peed pants. My boys wouldn’t let it die. Now I’m the assistant director at a middle school, and those eighth graders have a lot of jokes. They spend a lot of time on the internet so they know some gross shit. But I try to turn it into a teachable moment. I tell them that I never let the hand thing hold me back. Never let it steal my thunder. Never got shots. Never got Botox. Don’t even use the organic chemicals that my sister got me. I’m the wet hands man. It’s my superpower. Ever need to lick your finger to open a zip lock bag? Don’t worry about it. Just give it to me.”
