[fandom] is my life now

Uhh sometimes my hyperfixations get out of hand (main blog is @otsanda). This is my side blog for meta and misc overflow.

[gabstriessomethingnew]

This may be fairly obvious but I wanna type it out.

Arthur and Morgana come from a place of financial privilege while Merlin and to some extent Gwen come from a place of emotional privilege. The difference in there arcs are that while Arthur and Gwen get there lacking privileges met Merlin and Morgana lose the ones they already had.

Arthur gains emotional connection, he gets friends, he gets family, all while not losing the financial benefits, not needing to worry where food is coming from, where he’ll get water, where he’ll be relatively safe from the elements.

Gwen loses people of course she does, but she still has friends in her life, even in the end. And she gains a title. A security in her life.

Merlin on the other hand, losses the love he had from his mother. He has Gaius, sure, but he’s just as likely to berate as to offer condolences. He losses friends left and right, to death or to higher status’s it doesn’t matter, they’re gone either way. And he’s not that much better off in the financial sense either. Still a servant, still being laughed at when he tries to eat (I’m looking at you awful scene where the knights take his dinner), never truly feeling safe in his home knowing what could happen to him at any moment.

And Morgana losses it all. She has no kingdom, no title, no family, no friends, nothing. She is left alone and constantly trying to scrounge together the security she was raised in.

So if we look at what this is saying about a person in the context of all they gained and lost, we see that privilege breeds a happiness. We see how Arthur is more free in the last season than he was in the prior. We see how Gwen (minus when Morgana posses her) is less worried even with more responsibility.

And Merlin and Morgana lose themselves. Because they have nothing to hold onto, nothing keeping them tethered to this world other than there grit and will.

So yeah, check your privilege I guess.

[books-and-omens]

Oh. Oh. I am having a moment here.

The *screen ratio* changes when we go from one universe to another. Up until the epilogue, we watch everything in cinematic widescreen, with black bars on the top and bottom.

And then when we reach the epilogue, those bars... they go away. We've broken through.

Oh this is brilliant.

[quoththemaiden]

#booksy booksy what the Fuck #omg #the way the exited their reality and then *ended up in ours* #what with the bookshop being on a real location on a real street in real london #they’re HERE #i love that #so much (@racketghost)

#I kept trying to articulate why the last scenes suddenly felt lighter and freer and more real and did not clock this #I really love deliberate choices like this (@paperclipninja)

[count-pudding]

questionable things are being drawn...

[witchmd13]

neither nimueh nor uther knew of the price for arthur's life but uther wanted him enough to risk it and ended up losing the love of his life. merlin didn't know the price for putting arthur's life over magic, but he wanted arthur to live badly enough to risk it and ended up losing him. the parallel is insane and it's always been over arthur's life. ygraine's life was the price for uther's mistake and arthur's life was the price for merlin's. uther and merlin both unknowingly condeming the people they love. I'm going insane if you haven't noticed.

[raveninthedusk]

Merlin's S5E7 is absolutely terrifying from Arthur's perspective, but I can't help but absolutely love and relish the moment he found Merlin neck deep in Gwen's wardrobe🤣 It must've been such a relief to him to see that even in times of great suspicion and stress, his silly little manservant will remain looking silly

[rainingfishandfrogs]

okay haven't seen anyone talking about this so here we go:

(forgive the shittiness! first time ever making gifs)

(S1E7 Ozzie's)

(S2E12 Sinsmas)

(S3 teaser)

@blitzwhore @angelshizuka @timkontheunsure @caldella @zamothac

thoughts?

[blitzwhore]

Hand!!! Motif!!!

It's a classic that never gets old. It is done spectacularly with Stolitz to show the back and forth between them. These are three of the many, many moments in which their hands are used to show the push-and-pull nature of their relationship, their feelings, and their intentions.

Blitz is the first to reach out, on their first meeting as adults. He does so again on their second meeting in his office. Both times, Stolas pulls quickly back, which is interesting, because both times Stolas was forward with his words, asking to be ravished, only to be taken aback when Blitz uses touch to do the same.

Ozzie's changes things, though. It's Stolas who reaches out first. Wanting to offer comfort and also seeking it out; wishing to establish that he and Blitz are together in this mess, and being denied by Blitz, who draws back. They're not in this together, there's no us. Far from it.

And yet when they see each other again, in the human world, Blitz catches Stolas' wrist before he falls.

After that, their relationship goes from complicated to uncertain. They don't see each other for months, even though they both want to. So when Blitz gets invited to Stolas' palace again, he's the first to reach out. He needs to bridge that gap between them, to go back to how things were. Stolas doesn't let him, though: he quickly moves away from the touch, because things can never go back to how they were. If they are to stay in each other's lives, they need to start over in a way where neither is getting hurt.

So uncertainty turns into rejection turns into an actual fight. The next morning, Blitz is still grappling with the night's events and coming to all the wrong conclusions. So he pushes. And pushes. And pushes. Reaching out for Stolas constantly, putting his hands on the prince, and, ironically, pushing him farther and farther away.

Cut to that night, when Blitz reaches out again. His intentions are different this time—genuine, comforting—but Stolas never sees it, and Blitz never does gather the courage to touch him. He's not ready to believe he's worth it, he's not ready to be the person he wants to be for Stolas. It shows us something crucial about Blitz's character, though: it shows his answer to wanting to be the person Stolas needs isn't no, it's not yet.

A month goes by, maybe two. Blitz and his crew get sentenced to death, except Stolas jumps in and sacrifices himself in Blitz's stead. Blitz despertately wants to reach out, but he can't, not with the chains around his wrists. When they're finally taken off and he can touch Stolas, he's forcefully yanked away and out of the room, Stolas still out of his reach.

But Stolas survives. And Blitz is allowed to take his hand; to take him home. They're on the same team now, except... They aren't. Because now Stolas has lost it all, and he's drowning in loss, and he's not in a mental space where he emotionally has anything to offer. So when Blitz reaches out, he still pulls back and retreats into himself.

Not yet, is what this tells us about Stolitz. Not yet.

Blitz is okay with that, though. He's not going to stop reaching out. He doesn't need reciprocity; all he needs is for Stolas to know that he's here, that he's not going to let Stolas face adversity alone.

As a sidenote, I am very unwell about the way this moment uses their hands to express their conflict in S2:

In a single moment, we are shown how compatible they were as kids: perfectly in sync, running in the same direction while holding hands; and how that contrasts with their bond as adults. They were contract-bound. They clung to one another, refusing to let go, keeping themselves tied to the other—but facing away, existing as opposing forces who each refused to let go. It shows how Stolas was the first to sever that tie; how Blitz reacted with surprise first, then anger at feeling rejected and wronged. How Stolas clenches his fist at hearing Blitz stomp away, as if having received confirmation that Blitz never wanted to hold on to him in the first place. How the conflict is unresolved at that point in the story, only one of them briefly looking the other's way.

Which leads to the eye motif, which is another of the main ways in which body language is used to communicate where Blitz and Stolas are in their relationship with each other!

I can't wait for more hand motif in season 3 😌

[cute-little-fly]

Awww this was so beautifully summarized!

[orions-mistletoe-arrow]

Something I will never shut up about is the corruption arc Merlin goes through in the BBC show. Just, him being completely devoted to Arthur and doing everything he can to try to make sure he survives to his kingship in the hope that one day he'll repeal the ban on magic. and that devotion starting as a chore that he's reluctantly taken on bc he doesnt have a choice but slowly over time becoming devotion to Arthur more than it's devotion to Albion.

Merlin starting as someone who's reluctant to hurt much less kill anyone and yet slowly becoming decensitized to violence, becoming someone who kills a whole group of people without hesitation; who views murder as a consequence of his life rather than reprehensible.

Merlin being there to witness first hand how many people can and will try to murder his prince/king. Merlin hearing every reason and excuse and horror story of magic users like him have for revenge and deciding Arthur is more important than justice for them. Merlin watching Arthur murder the woman he loves and forgiving him for it.

Merlin being someone who tearfully asks Gaius if he's a monster for having magic and also being someone who contemplates letting a child die so that they can't grow up to become a murderer. HIm being someone that desperatley wants to be accepted for who he is and also choosing to lie about what magic is so that he can stay where he wants to is supposed to be.

I'm just obsessed with the Idea of the cost of destiny and everything Merlin gave up to try to make it happen as well as where the line is between what Arthur could be and who Arthur is.

[orions-mistletoe-arrow]

something something- all the magic characters in merlin are moon coded- something something- all the non magic characters in merlin are sun coded

(something somthing- sun=fire=pire)

[orions-mistletoe-arrow]

Possibly a BBC Merlin hot take of mine is that I don't think that if the magic ban were repealed, Merlin should become court sorcerer.

Merlin's "Main Job"tm is protecting Arthur, leading to two issues if he were to be the court sorcerer: 1) throughout the course of the show, this is often made easier/possible bc everyone underestimates him or just straight up doesn't realize he's even someone to look out for. Having an official position that's basically a big glowing sign that says "Hey, this is The Guy that knows magic and is super dangerous" would probably not be helpful. 2) As a court position, that means that he'd be given other responsibilities and most likely a much larger list of them tied to the running of the kingdom that would keep him separated from Arthur for long periods of time

Merlin fucking hates attention, and while over the course of the show, he does get more used to embracing who he is and magic as a part of that, there are still a lot of moments where its clear he really really doesn't like being singled out (if its not for the sake of protecting someone) or being seen as *other* (far to close to monster)

One of the more subtle but clearly outlined parts of his character growth is that in the beginning, he's constantly talking about "oh if only he knew," "no one would believe what I'm capable of," and just generally wanting recognition for his skills/to stop being viewed as lesser. While this isn't bad, it is fueled a bit by ego and pride and comes from a place of inferiority due to the "macho man" being the ideal around him. At the end, he oh so tragically says, "It's not why I do it," in response to Arthur's comment about getting credit. While I think that Merlin is great and definitely deserves to be acknowledged for everything he's done and given up, I feel like giving that to him on a large scale would kind of undermine the message that you should do the right thing because it's the right thing, not for whatever you might get out of it.

Being out in the open as a sorcerer right after the magic ban is lifted (especially someone who, relative to everyone else, lived a very privileged life and very clearly was constantly breaking the law if he immediately gets that promotion) leaves him open to a lot of public scrutiny that I just don't think he deserves or has the time to deal with.

So, what's my solution to this fandom related conondrum? Royal secretary! Merlin gets out of doing a bunch of manual labor on top of his unofficial (legally speaking) and exhausting job, no longer being so drastically under Arthur as far as rank, he gets to stay near Arthur at all times, his advising of him and general smarts can be used more openly and often, and he still stays under the radar as far as his indimidation factor goes. And as far as magic, well I'm thinking he "comes out" as having magic, just downplaying it by a wide margin so that 1) he keeps his unintimidating vibes, 2)he's less likely to be singled out for having a bunch of power, 3) it's more believable that he managed to stay alive in Camelot without getting identified or breaking the law. Just picture it, Merlin making some small healing potions for Gaius when necessary, doing little pranks and illusions that entertain his friends and others, but don't require much power, or just to speed up setting up camp from time to time, and the occasional tree branch falling from the sky. Just silly little Merlin with his silly little bit of magic being recognized for what he is, without having to give up his privacy or safety.

[fantasyfiend222]

merlin who holds onto his loyalty to arthur because if he didn’t, then what would all of the deaths he has caused be for? merlin who has basically betrayed his kind, but no it’s okay, because the ends justify the means! merlin who is fucking terrified of himself. merlin who wants to run every time he’s depended on. who hears the words ‘destiny’ or ‘prophecy’ or ‘emrys’ or even ‘I’m scared’ and hesitates.

if he chose either heart or mind, if he could have stuck with a path, then maybe they would have been saved. kill morgana or care for her, not both. help mordred or kill him, not both. but his indecision was the death of everyone around him.

merlin with a lack of confidence so bad that everything he is anymore is just a persona, an archetype of a fool he has been trying to fill for ten years. he’s the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth, but he’s so disconnected from the version of him that takes initiative, that acts from the heart, that stands up for what is right. he’s given so much of himself to these lies, shamed himself into keeping his magic secret even when it was better if he shared it, repressed who he truly was so much to the point where he doesn’t even know who he is anymore.

merlin who, after arthur dies, has to look at his hands, red with the blood of his kin, and realise just how badly he has fucked up. and then he has to look in the mirror and realise he doesn’t know who or what he is anymore.

[noneorother]

Some things you might have missed in the Good Omens S3 trailer.

I've seen a lot of good takes so far on so many aspects of the glorious 2 minutes we were handed this week, but I haven't had a chance to collect all of my little additions until now. Here are some things you might have missed, frame by frame. I promise, it'll be worth your time. 1. This crowd shot is from season 1

I really can't tell if they're pulling my leg and are just reusing unseen footage from season 1, or they physically/digitally recreated season 1 Whickber street, it's *that* good. But this is definitely our original home base, complete with pine green convertible with the same license plate, and correct cracks in the street. Will we be returning to the before times? 2. The second coming scroll is a giant checklist

I mean this isn't really a clue so much as really funny to me personally. Poor Aziraphale having to check off everything by hand. 3. We have 3 flies now

There's a blue and orange Nebula that is copied 3 times right next to the word behold. It's nebula NGC 5189 which is happens to be in the constellation Musca i.e. The Fly. I don't think that's a coincidence. 4. Jesus's cardigan is a mix of all the possible angel colours

Another kind of small mention, but I think it's really smart that Jesus' cardigan has bands of all three main angel colours: dove grey, cream and tan. 5. The Wizard of OZ reference

Peep the nice Wizard projector reference in this mysterious scene. The Metatron isn't hiding behind a curtain, but does that mean he's hiding something else about his role or power in here? Something's wrong, indeed. 6. Crowley is being held captive by Dagon

I don't know if it was really visible to everyone on the original social media posting but if you brighten the heck out of the image you can see that Crowley's got his hands tied behind his back here. I'm guessing Dagon is the one in charge now that Beelzebub is gone? 7. The lighting of this scene with the new Toby Jones character is a perfect match for the 1941 part 2 flashback.

I dunno man. Weird. They used the same lens and everything.

8. There are rainbow flares happening in this dystopian Whickber street

Just like in season 2, this particular establishing shot gets a rainbow flare. No other shots so far have gotten that treatment, so I find it interesting that only the dystopian Whickber street now fits with the Season 2 visual style. 9. One scene has been partially flipped

These are four shots in the same scene, but can you spot what's wrong? They've mirrored one shot each of Azirphale and Crowley. Either to throw us off the scent of something, or maybe a red herring about having no tattoo in this scene? Needless to say, that is a BIZARRE choice. 10. The Battle is their final performance & The Bentley isn't the Bentley (again)

In the closeup interior of the Bentley we can just make out the new double poster next to the Bookshop in the dystopian Whickber street. No longer the obscure comic book panels, it seems to be a funny take on a ballet poster maybe? : BATTLE. FINAL PERFORMANCE.

In any case, we've got a new Bentley... again. The huge contention around season 2's multiple Bentley looks has raged on, and now we get more fuel for the fire. Check out this great frontal angle of this Season 3 Bentley. It's got side mirrors attached to the doors, and four door construction, not to mention new bumper light covers. Strangely, it seems to be a perfect match for this promo Bentley that was parked for the set photos... 11. New and old stores on Dystopian Whickber street.

The speeding Bentley lets us dissect the new stores on dystopian Whickber street. We've got "Coffee...", so it looks like *Death* is missing from this world? Death is no longer an option? Next to it we've get Golden Gods with the neon windows, and Beyond Soho which seemed to be a real estate office in some leaked concept art. Interestingly, in the Season 3 poster, Beyond soho is hidden on the left side, and the record shop is hidden in the far right. Could the poster actually be a version of whickber street cleaved in two? 12. We've got a book on the stand problem

Oddly similar to the Bentley version problem, we now have a problem with Aziraphale’s desk. See here for the full breakdown from season 2, but long story short, there was a strange inconsistency with the set photos from season 2 and the actual show. The Harold Copping bible in the set tour was missing, and two copies of the periodical L’art pour tous in its place. Which never matched with the show, where there was only ever one copy on the stand the few times the Copping Bible was missing. What are they cooking up over there…?

13. A planet of black widow-ish spiders?

With the brief glances we get at the intro sequence we can’t tell much, but we do have a planet full of spiders that look like black widows with the famous hourglass shape, except in white instead of red. False widows perhaps? Spiders spinning time our duo go and visit? The last spider we saw in good omens was a horror. I’d like to not revisit it.

14. This conversation takes place at Justine's in season 2?

While I’ve seen some speculation floating around that this HEARTWRENCHING face is being performed by Crowley in the bookshop, I have another view. I think this scene takes place inside a part of season 2 we didn’t see. You can see the comparison here of the background of the front of Justine’s restaurant in season 2 and the scene in question. The awning and fairy lights are almost identical, as is the sun, just from a different angle. The hair and makeup are also very similar. I’d bet money this is happening on the street in the open or on Justine’s front terrasse at some point we’ve already seen.

15. We might get another 1941 flashback, and there's a hidden message.

Finally, we get a brief glimpse at another opening credits scene, and it’s got a ton of references to the season 2 opening credits scene that itself references the 1941 flashback: the bus with Wings for Victory on it, the bomber plane launching an explosive, and in the very top left we can spot a war balloon. We also have some very small text on the light blue building on the right. It’s a mirrored “2.0-A”. If anyone has any ideas what that means other than version of realities, let me know.

Thanks ever so much to the ineffable detective agency friends for the sounding board @ineffable-detective-agency and @embracing-the-ineffable for the high resolution photos yall are literally the best.

[colorofmymindposts]

Been thinking about how I would do BBC Merlin differently and honestly, I think Gaius should have died at the beginning of series 4, not Lancelot.

Series 4 really should have been the season for the changing of the old guard, not just for Arthur but Merlin as well. Uther and Gaius have been constant forces in these two young men’s lives series 1-3, arguably to the detriment of Merlin’s and Arthur’s shared destiny. During that time, they’ve reinforced that fear and self-preservation should be Merlin’s and Arthur’s sole motivators, that great change isn’t worth the risk.

Gaius knows what Uther is doing is wrong, but he rarely takes any action to stop the king’s carnage unless Merlin insists that they intervene or Merlin’s own life is on the line. As Kilgharrah states as early as 1x06 Gaius, often turns “a blind eye,” “struggle[s] against (Merlin’s) destiny” and his main characteristics, besides his wisdom and wit, are that he is cowardly and unchanging. This not only impedes Merlin’s progress, but it makes Gaius’ role as a character mostly useless in terms of servicing the plot, especially once Merlin becomes more and more knowledgeable about magic; he has an easy mastery of his abilities by series 4. Beyond filling in as the father Merlin never got to have (RIP Balinor), Gaius doesn’t do much.

Arthur and Merlin losing the most important elders in their lives around the same time would have been an excellent parallel that would have reinforced that coin metaphor, and their shared grief would have brought them closer together than ever. It would have also expanded a lot of story opportunities for Merlin (for instance, does he have to give up being Arthur’s servant to become the Court Physician, or does a new character take on the role?)

In argument of Lancelot staying alive: Lancelot, on the other hand, perfectly represents the radical change Camelot needs to see. He’s a knight who didn’t come from a royal family, and he accepts magic wholeheartedly from his first encounter with it. He knows that magic can be both a force for good and evil; he implicitly understands that its users have nuance, just like all warriors. His perspective as a non-magic user and a trusted friend of Arthur’s would have been invaluable to Arthur accepting Merlin’s magic and, more importantly, the potential for magic to be used as a force of good.

There’s a number of fascinating dynamics you could have established between Lancelot and the rest of the Knights as well, not just his relationships with Arthur, Merlin and Guinevere. It also cuts out the possibility of 4x09 happening, which in my book, is only a good thing considering how shoddily Lancelot’s resurrection was handled.

This isn’t to say that Gaius was necessarily a bad person, but there’s no arguing his advice led to a score of Merlin’s terrible decisions, when if Merlin had trusted his gut instinct, things probably would have turned out at least a little better for him.

Tldr: If we wanted to see Arthur and Merlin grow into their destiny together, they both had to lose their problematic mentors who were keeping them rooted in the past.

[gremlinbehaviour]

@and-damntheconsequences​ why do you always hide brilliant commentary in the tags???

@colorofmymindposts​ You are absolutely right about all of this. We were ROBBED of more Lancelot content, especially in regards to the dynamic between him and Merlin, him and Arthur, and him and the other knights.

[and-damntheconsequences]

There's also something to be said about the idea that Gaius (who defended Uther past anything he deserved), would never see Arthur as King, if he'd died around the same time at Lancelot. Him keeping Uther on the throne through Merlin would have been the last thing he knew, because he'd never see Arthur in true power. And Lancelot, who was never there for Uther, only for Merlin and Arthur, would get to see the newer kingdom that he played a role in building — it was HIM after all, that first challenged Arthur's ideas of knighthood.

[captain-lonagan]

no like season 1 merlin rocks up to camelot and every magic user he meets is burnt out, bitter, or both. in season 5 mordred rocks up to camelot and the senior magic user that’s burned out and bitter is merlin. it’s merlin that’s perpetuating the cycle of hurt now and that’s crazy and they never get into it!

[lovebotomy]

in s3 when gilli (I think?) comes to camelot and wants to use magic enhancing ring to defend himself and kill their oppressor and merlin tells him it's not what magic is for, it's for good (that he can't do because magic is outlawed) and he tells merlin that he has pretended for so long he forgot who he really is. it has been a theme since the beginning

[gehalge]

#merlin goes through perfect indoctrination I think they actually nailed his character perfectly #you can see the shifts #he's hopeful in s1 #in s2 he believes it's necessary that he suffers at arthur's hand because it just has to be. doesn't trust morgana and poisons her #in s3 he's full of guilt over releasing kilgarrah and poisoning morgana. seems to fully believe arthur will never know about his magic #in s4 lancelots death and evil resurrection breaks him. his relationships with other people are detoriating. he is becoming emrys #s5 bitter obsessed merlin is obvious #just amazing progression (via @lovebotomy)

[gabstriessomethingnew]

The interesting part about Merlin’s and Arthur’s relationship is that they are both the epitome of each other’s childhood nightmares. Arthur is the sword about to be swung at Merlin’s neck for the powers he was born with and Merlin is the devil Uther warned would always be disguised in plain sight.

They both are confronted with the best and worst of those respective fears coming from both directions. There are mad kings as much as loyal knights. There are magic users trying to kill as much as teach. And where Merlin learns to live in the grays, Arthur rebukes them entirely until he is given proof of the ridiculousness of his black and white thinking.

[family-discord-server]

Had Arthur not been mortally wounded, his reaction to learning of Merlin’s magic should have been bad actually. Because every time Arthur is given a test of some sort, he has to fail first.

He has to test his preconceptions against the world and learn. He has to be wrong and be taught what right is. Not because he doesn’t know how to do the right thing, not because he doesn’t want to do the right thing, but because his story is one of learning to overcome. And there is no greater obstacle than when we take the world at face value.

Arthur is surrounded by people who benefit from social, economic, and political systems. He benefits from those systems. His entire story is one of repeatedly trying to figure out who to trust only to be betrayed. He trusts the wrong advisors, opinions, peoples, perspectives. But he learns.

He would have killed Merlin and then regretted it. Arthur learns through loss in a way Uther was unable to. He allows himself to be changed, to see the consequences of his actions and try to correct for them.

If Merlin was named Emrys, was called immortal, then it’s because the world understood that it had created a man that had to know failure to understand success. And the greater the loss, the deeper the understanding, and the better the capability for success. He is meant to unite all of Albion. He is meant to be a sword forged in dragon fire. He is only able to succeed once he understands the depth of his failure.

Arthur’s treatment of Merlin, at the most critical point of the story, at the moment where all is revealed, should be a failure. Because Arthur has never operated in any other way. It is the final doubt, the last and strongest echo of his father that must be cast off.

[gehalge]

#i think fanfic authors are scared to make arthur wrong because they don’t want him to be a bad person #but he’s wrong constantly! that’s the point! #there is no greater teacher than failure and no barrier stronger than belief #he needs to learn to question his assumptions #he needs to learn that the people in positions of power in a system that benefit them will take advantage of people and betray him to do so #and i think merlin will forgive him #i think merlin is the kindergarten teacher who saw you push someone and takes you aside and asks you quietly why #but also helps you learn to tie your shoes and put on your winter coat because it’s cold #and slowly becomes the voice in your head that tells you when you’re wrong even when you don’t want to hear it #merlin is the lesson arthur needs to learn in life but will likely only truly understand through his death (via @family-discord-server)

[tiredandoptimistic]

Sometimes I get stuck thinking about the horror of being Gwen in the late seasons. She's the queen of Camelot, but she's utterly alone.

Her first love was enchanted by her, but he was so damn noble that he could never be a partner to her. He sacrificed his own happiness when he decided to leave Camelot, but never considered that he was sacrificing her happiness too. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but it still left her alone. And she tried to respect it and to keep the boundaries he established, but she still knew that he loved her and she accidentally used that love and that nobility to send him to his death. She didn't know if she loved him anymore, but she still knew she was responsible for a good man gone too soon.

Her brother always ran away; he didn't even return when their father died. And then she reached out anyways and saved him and he finally came home to stay, but she was banished by her fiance and Elyan didn't so much as speak up in her defense. Suddenly he didn't want to be a wanderer anymore. He settled down, but it was never for her—he loved Arthur and being a knight more than he loved his sister. After she came back he might have regretted his lack of action, because suddenly he dropped everything to rescue her from the dark tower. But what's the use in an epic quest if he still takes her husband's side when they argue? Where's the pleasure in knowing he loved her if it only got him killed?

Her husband was distant from the start. She watched him grow from a bratty teenager to a noble king, and she was wrapped up in the grandeur of their secret romance, but once they shared that crown it became clear that he would never truly open up to her. Whenever things got serious, Arthur hid from his wife and instead turned to his servant for emotional support. His servant who was supposed to be Gwen's best friend, and yet who always seemed to know Arthur's side of the story. She knew he could never let down his guard enough to be fully honest with her, to be truly vulnerable, or even to share a bedroom. And yet she was still drawn to him, just like everyone else, which was why she was stuck in a castle where not a single person would ever put her first.

Her best friend faded away as the years wore on. His liveliness melted into something steady and grim, as he was crushed under the weight of something she could never understand. She wanted to reach out and to support him, but the longer he stayed in Camelot the more clear it was that Merlin couldn't really see anyone other than Arthur. It wasn't fair—she befriended Merlin first. She was kind to him when he was alone, and they used to stand by the edges of feasts and giggle together about the silly nobles. Arthur was awful, and yet Merlin was still more of a friend to him than he ever was to Gwen. How could she blame him, when she loved Arthur too?

The other friend—the companion she'd grown alongside, the lady she'd served with loyalty and care—she was gone where Gwen could never follow. She had seen the visions tearing Morgana apart and felt her slipping away into the tides of bitterness and anger at the injustices that surrounded them. Gwen had been the only person to stand by Morgana's side, but she wasn't enough to protect her from the world. She felt the creeping dread as she realized that Morgana was willing to do things even fouler than Uther. But when Morgana finally declared herself Queen of Camelot, it was Gwen who betrayed her. She orchestrated her closest companion's downfall, and maybe Gwen still loved her but love wasn't enough when she could see the harm Morgana was doing to their people. Morgana hated Gwen more than anyone after that, and Gwen tried to hate her in turn. Still, when they were reunited in the tower, Morgana was more attentive to her pain than anyone had been in years. Afterwards, Merlin and Arthur told her that she'd been nothing more than a puppet, and that Morgana would surely have killed her after she arranged her husband's death. Still, she remembered those moments of tenderness as Morgana shared the truth of her suffering. She remembered the anger she'd felt upon hearing how Morgana had been left alone in the dark for years, because she knew what that was like.

And then it was over. They were all dead. She went from a castle full of people—brother, husband, friend—who should have loved her but didn't, to a castle empty of any kindness at all. She had lost everything, and there was no one to support her when she faltered. Merlin was still out there, but he could never leave the shore of Avalon. Gwen's husband was dead, and she couldn't turn to her best friend for comfort because he was the one being torn apart by grief. She had to be strong, like she'd always been. She set her feelings aside, and wore the crown with dignity and grace. She was the Queen after all, and Camelot needed her.

[oftirnanog]

I am begging you all to understand what is happening during the Vegas bathroom scene.

the reason shane folds so easily is that he doesn't think he should be upset with ilya in the first place. if he's thinking about it logically—which he is trying very hard to do!—then he thinks ilya is doing the smart thing by staying away. that six months of no contact? the correct move! from Shane's objective perspective. but he's not obejctive about ilya. and he is upset. so then he's also upset with himself for being upset with ilya in the first place. because he thinks he shouldn't be! what the two of them have going on is a very bad idea! and if they talk about it at this point, the conclusion will be that they should stop. so they don't talk. because neither of them can walk away from the other. they are down horrendous and they don't. know. what. to do about it. because they cannot have a relationship. that is what they believe at the core of it. this thing between them is impossible. and yes, they are hurting each other, but they are also hurting themselves. and they know it! but they'll take what they can get! like everyone thinks it's just Shane taking what he can get from ilya, but it works both ways! ilya is also taking what he can get from shane.

I cannot stress this enough—by following shane into that bathroom, ilya. breaks. first. some of you are forgetting about the very specific nature of their situation and how impossible they believe it to be. they literally cannot see an alternative to what they currently have going on. and so the constant push and pull isn't just happening between them, it's happening internally. they are constantly, CONSTANTLY telling themselves to walk away. so when the other pulls back, they're like yeah! smart move, my man, I wish I had the strength! except neither of them can actually maintain that distance because neither of them really does have the strength. they are so catastrophically down bad! they are sick with the wanting. it is killing them. which is how they end up hurting each other and themselves so badly.