Jenn's Semi-Daily Blog

Just somewhere I can post about what happens in my daily life, as mundane as it can be at times.

[overzealousthinker]

Holiday Spook Thoughts

I'm definitely not there in my life yet, and nor do I really wanna be rn cause there's so much more I wanna do before being a parent.

But sometimes all these photos circulating around make me excited to eventually have a toddler and have them enjoy all the silly things you do during the holiday.

Things like going to a pumpkin patch to choose their first pumpkin, going home to carve it and getting pumpkin gunk out of it so it can have a silly face, and having them choose their own Halloween costume just to have them waddle around cause it's too big on them.

I love the holidays and I cannot wait for a small human that I made to enjoy them with me. ❤️

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Trying to make things back to normal again has been difficult. Of course never saying it was ever going to be easy, but saying how much things have changed between our interactions in the time we were apart.

I know we're both trying in our own respected ways. Personally, I'm doing my best to be more attentive to his emotions and to help around the house best I can since I have more time off than him. Trying to make the house feel more like a house to myself as well and try not to feel like I'm merely a guest here.

I just get so... Uneasy whilst I'm around him. That all of this could crumble again, and that I'm walking in eggshells. That everything we did to work this relationship up to this point could break again... But worse. And my god does it frighten me... Thinking that he could be with someone else, that's the most frighting. Thinking that this is all for naught. I desperately want this to work, but even still...

He keeps so much 'distance' from me. So much hesitation and so much resentment at times with certain comments. And it feels like nothing I'm doing is making progress and I worry that my feelings aren't being reciprocated with his own.

But then he throws me for a loop and gets me something. Granted, I'm not a things person, more for appreciation in words and physical gestures. But he tries to insist that he saw this item and thought I would enjoy it. And I have it's just... Confusing at times.

I'm still trying to process all of this. My feelings for him haven't changed, nor will they ever, but trying to wrap my head around the situation has been a challenge.

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship. Obviously with more teamwork on ideas, and more communication between the two of us, but the closeness of it. I miss that portion of us the most.

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I've always had issues with my family. Mainly, my father's side of the family. There's always some kind of drama going on, and I could never understand why that needed to be a thing. But, a lot of it is aimed negatively towards my father and his family. Parts of them, and for reasons we don't really know (probably cause we don't like dealing with drama and try not to say anything about it), just 100% don't like us and are very petty about it. I find it silly really. Why go through all this effort and all this hate based on things they have never asked us about? They just base their opinions on things they have heard about from a second party and didn't get all the information. And it's just awestanding how the patriarch of the family, my grandfather, just allows this to happen. And sadly at that, he always says how important family is. And how important each other is and such, and no. No papa. That's not how it is. Your family is cutting ties due to drama you keep feeding into and when something breaks out you turn away. And if anyone else does anything wrong, he ignores it. He still thinks they're all angels. That they can do no wrong. But my family? Oh my family is the worst. They are the screw ups right? So ignorant. They know nothing about my family cause they don't talk to us. They critique us. They are outsiders throwing rocks at our windows and we have to make sure they're shatterproof or else they win. It's silly. It really is, and I can't wait for it to be over with. I've told my grandfather that once he passes that none of us will ever speak to each other again. Which is true. We won't. There's no point then. We'll have nothing in common. I will enjoy the time of when I can be free of all this idiotic hate. When I no longer have to associate with the nonsense they all bring up and bring to us. I cannot wait for it all to be over with. And now also understand why my parents moved so far away. I cannot wait until next year when my significant other and I can do the same and leave them all behind.

[overzealousthinker]

Things I missed the hype train for: Part 1

I want the entire series of the last avatar so I can watch it all the way through to see the episodes that I totally missed while it was airing. I feel like I wasn't as hyped as everyone else was growing up because I kept missing episodes cause I did so many after school activities growing up. :/ Granted I still loved the show, a LOT. Reptile club, computer club, basketball, track, and color guard took a lot of my time as a tiny child to a bigger tiny child.

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It's so weird... How anxiety affects people so differently. With my boyfriend, when he gets tense and disconnects or is in an not ideal situation, he wants to be held close and spoken gently that it'll be alright. That he's okay and safe and that I'm there with him, that he's not alone. To squeeze my hand, and I allow him to tell me anything that's bothering him and try to come up with some solutions on how to make him feel better or to lighten whatever was the problem to make him feel that way. For me, I have to calm myself down before I want physical contact. I get claustrophobic and have issues breathing so try to hold onto myself and breathe deeply. After it calms down a bit, that's when I want to be held. Spoken reassurance is fine, but I also try to get my mind off of the subject that's bothering me during the first stage, only come the second am I ready to bring up the initial issue. To be honest, it feels like I'm getting constricted with my issues cause I hold them in for so long and put out this outward appearance of being this optimistic person. That I'm doing peachy. I'll actually happily help you with your issues, but I hate talking about my own so I put on the façade so I don't have to talk about it... Cause I really don't like to talk about it cause it upsets me. And obviously I don't like being upset. I know bottling them up isn't the best course of action, but sometimes if I let it hit me as it happens... I have too much of an issue coming back. I don't want to disassociate, so I may not be talking when it happens but I want to be kept spoken to, but for that moment change the subject. Make it yes or no questions so I can still be responsive with a nod or a shake of my head so I'm still engaged but not left to my own corrosive thoughts. ... And I suppose having my significant other next to me helps me calm down... And I've come to realize when he's next to me I can sleep without the thoughts plaguing my rest. I wanna get to that point when he's always next to me so I can sleep how what people consider normally. TL; DR, I need space for a bit, but keep talking to me when I'm anxious about other subjects with yes/no questions to keep me engaged. Then after I calm down, I wanna be held and talk about what's bugging me.

[overzealousthinker]

Hrm.

As my first week at my new job, I've come to notice a few things, Based on my knowledge, I'm a fast learner. I am quick to picking things up and figuring out how they work. However, I'm not gonna learn where everything is in a week. Nor am I gonna know how everything works. However, my job expects me to know where even the smallest USB drive is. How this laptop works despite me going after the Gaming sales associate job. I find it interesting that as a sales associate you have to do a lot of pretending. Pretending to care about the customer, presenting they really don't want that cheap item they want an expensive one and their add ons. They care about their ratings. Of course the money out, but hell, they can ease up on the applications for credit cards a bit. They expect me to know and have so much, and god this is an entry level job? ... And the harressment of employees to each other and employees to customers is crazy. Even the GM talks pretty bad behind people's backs. It's like I have to form a whole new persona whilst working there. Like I'm acting rather than being me. And making friends? God forget it, we aren't even really allowed to talk to each other. And everyone is rude to everyone. ... I don't think it'll be me in the long run, but I'm trying to make due with what I got. But lord... Have mercy on me.

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Super late, but Wondercon pictures!

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I've been playing TONS of Stardew Valley lately,

Finally figured out mods for Stardew Valley and I'm adding so many to improve portraits. Poor Harvey and Maru was the first to get updated. I LOVE Maru, but man... Her blunt cut was so bad looking to me and bothered me so badly. However, with a better hairstyle and Harvey with a full beard instead of the junk he had before. Also found one that made Robin and Sebastian look more related, Robin looking more Asian with black hair is so much better too. Still on the look out for a good Wizard one, and Gunther. Both are so... Weird looking that I really wanna update them. If I honest to god can't find one, I may just end up editing my own. :T Might even make the Wizard a female, who knows. ... Oh and one for Pierre. Cuz the hell is going on with your mouth, mate? Hopefully the mod site Cuttlefish will gain more with the next few days, but I'll begin to look at doing my own sorta junk. Would be fun.

[overzealousthinker]

Worries.

I believe one of my biggest worries is being replaced. Before I had moved, I finally was able to make some female friends. For me, that's a true achievement because I had never done so before hand in my life that seemed to give a damn about me and what I had to say. I had two. They seemed to really care. ... But now, since I have moved, I feel like I'm just been replaced. Or even worse, forgotten. And since the relationship with the two was so new, I doubt for them, it was a big deal. Attempting to talk sometimes leads to one or two texts, and then it dies. I worry. I like them. I had thought they liked me too... But because I moved away, the constant seeing each other all time was really what held that relationship together. ... Now when I see them in photos, I wish I was the third person in the photo with the two. I feel like I missed out on a friendship. It's very disheartening, and it truely makes me miss what I could have possibly had. I dunno. It's something that had gotten triggered whilst looking at some recent photos. I just feel left out, and lonely. I miss having my own friends.

[overzealousthinker]

Oh man, lots of things have happened!

I haven't been active cause my life has been crazyyyyy. Well, not too terribly crazy but just enough to keep my mind busy. I've moved in with my grandpa come the beginning of 2016. Trying my best as well to co-exist with my gramps and uncle who are 30+ and 70+ yrs my senior is really hard though. Many conflicting ideas and thought processes, but I'm doin my best I can. I have, of course had to quit my job at the comic book store, which I was very sad to do. I miss all my friends and have had difficulty making new ones here in town. So many clics and unfriendlies. I just hope come eventually I'll make some decent ones. But, I do try to keep in touch with my other buds. And eventually, I'll try to come across a job that I'm really wanting to go for. Also come with the move, I'm much closer to my boyfriend now, so yayyyyyyyyy. Not as long distance! He's only about a half hour away, which is muchhhh better than 9 hours. And even though he has work and school, he tries to make time for me, and I try to come visit him as well as so he isn't the only one driving. SPEAKING OF DRIVING, I GOT A NEW CAR. It's well... It's a car. But it's mine! And I'm able to drive it wherever I want! My friends have been trying to get me to call it Nebula because of the deep blue colour, but idk yet. It's stuck so far, so we'll see. Then, come the end of this month the boyfriend and I are gonna go back down to SD and go to our traditional convention, Wondercon! He had gotten me tickets for Valentine's day, the sweetheart, and we planned a few costumes. Hopefully it'll all come together, since I'm sewing things I've NEVER done before, but it should be okay. :) Anywho, that's my life. Now you're caught up. :)

[overzealousthinker]

Today is my birthday!

I'm 22 today! ... Still feel 17 though. :T We'll see what today holds, AFTER I go to sleep.

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It also has come to my attention that I have lacking in the blogging department. I'll do my best to remedy that in the next few days, but until then have some cute as fuck photos of my boyfriend and myself during Halloween this year. :)

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This year's hair adventureeeee! From an interesting ombre to red, to a pink, to a pale pink. :) We'll see if I do any more to this mane. :b

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Sorry for the lack of updates, been busy with school and nothing too terribly interesting has been happening, but now since its SUMMER I'm doing some fun stuff again. So without further adieu, I went to the Del Mar Fair with a good friend of mine! We went on tons of rides, and took silly photos in a photo booth, and went into two weird fun houses. There was a puppy race and during the questionnaire, my friend got one of the questions right and we got to see the dogs after the show and hang out with them. There was a st Bernard/beagle mixed breed that ADORED me, and a terrier named Han Solo liked him. :b Had delicious terrible food (like deep fried cheesecake), and saw silly shops and venders. It was a ton of fun, and I can't wait till the next time I go!

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Dude. Mongolian Stirfresh is literally my favorite place in the world. So much food, and its rather cheap, and I can make it ANYWAY I PLEASE. WITH LAMB. They have a sort of “salad bar” where you go and pick what you want and you put all the ingredients into a bowl. If you do it right, by the time you reach the cooks your bowl best look like a mountain. And then they cook it by putting it on this big circular skillet and go around and around in a circle moving the food and cooking it. Omg. Its all so damn good, and you can season it with sauces and it just is amazing. I need to bring the bf and sister to this place. Cause omg.

[overzealousthinker]

So, I was extremely lucky this year by being able to spend Valentine’s Day with my absolutely amazing boyfriend, worldofpace. After not seeing him for awhile, being able to see him again is literally the best feeling in the world and I’m so happy he came to visit. He arrived in SD at around 12am on Saturday. And stayed until Monday afternoon. It was a short visit, and I really hope next time he can stay longer, but nevertheless it was nice. We exchanged gifts, and I gained more monster high dolls(what else is new with me), and I also received other random silly things that I adore. He gave me an A-Z for gifts. Almost all of it was mad cheesy, and I loved all of it. And I now have enough fundip to get a kindergarten class extremely hyper. For him, I got him two boxers, one silly with property of Jen Jen written on it, and another that’s just a red boxer with white hearts. I also got him some comics and candy. And then a kisses jar containing little pieces of paper that I kissed with lipstick, then sealed that over and put a little message on how much I love him, or what I love about him on it. Its for when he’s said and if I’m not around to cheer him up. We watched BoxTrolls and Shrek the Musical cause we’re big goobs. And he started me watching Galavant which is a TV show about a knight trying to win back his lady love and a king whose wife ain’t giving it up for him and the rivalry between him and the knight. It’s full of puns and funny bits and I actually rather enjoy it. We went out and got comics for me and I got him magic cards that he wanted. I wish I could have gotten him more, but I at least have a beginning to a package for him. ;) It was a good weekend. Short, and I really wish he could have stayed longer, but it was fun. I just can’t wait for the day he won’t have to leave, and that’ll be the absolute best. But until then, thank you honey for coming down and I can’t wait to see you again in person soon.