Iām the type of person who says *sorry* all the time
And I just realized why I feel extremely sad when I make a mistake.
Warning! ā ļø May contain triggering stuff about childhood memories (nothing to harsh but I talk a little bit about my childhood emotional neglect)
Everyone is kinda trying to please everyone right? But sometimes it gets to a point that is really not that pleasing. As a people pleaser myself, Iām always trying to make everyone happy , to make everyone feel safe and comfortable, and at first this all seems ok āsheās a good personā people can think, but my closest friends and family know that when I āfailā or ādisappointā them I get really really sad , and start apologizing thinking Iām the worst and getting into self destructive conduct.
And believe me when I say I try every day not to cry with little things , to donāt feel bad for things I canāt control that affect others, but I always feel bad, why?
I had a āproblemā today, and when I asked them āIām sorry for stressing you outā, and they said āIām not stressed , everything is ok, you are the one that is stressedā. Iāve been told that many times before , but this words came out fast when I vomited them:
I donāt want you to feel bad about it so please tell me and I can change everything.
And as I said those words they looked me in the eyes , and gave me the most relaxed looked , like saying āthere is absolutely no problemā. It was a reassuring expression but I felt bad.
WHY ? They left the room and I replayed the conversation. And I realized that if they if I was the other person I would have appreciated more the concern and said āthanks for caring but itās okā or something like that. I want people to treat me like that, to apologize to me , to say thanks. And I felt sick , cause no sane person feels bad for these type of things, but I do. Because I donāt want to force people into that.
Then I realized that the real reason behind all of these , is that until a few years ago, people didnāt apologize to me when they hurt me. That people made me apologize for making the tiniest mistakes, when I was just a child. Because every time words hurt me, every time people let me down, I wanted them to care and to think how would I feel , when they didnāt. After all Iām just trying to prevent that from happening to others , but at the same time it hurts because I now do it too much and expect it in the same amount from others.
I love my friends, and itās not their fault. But sometimes I wished they cared a little more , because sometime Iām still that little girl that wants to be taken care of.
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