Moments of Joy @papertombstones - Tumblr Blog

(To the tune of Rasputin): BLEH BLEH DRACULA, KING OF TRANSYLVANIA, HE IS A BAT AND ALSO A MAN

if someone gets killed by a grizzly bear or a polar bear it’s like “Damn, that’s unfortunate. Luck of the draw.” but if someone gets killed by a black bear you’re like “What did they do to that bear to make it that angry?”

byjove

Grizzly bears? You’re usually fine if you’re minding your business but every once in a while one of them decides to go on a killing spree Sankebetsu brown bear incident style and that can’t be prevented in all circumstances. Polar bears? If it wants to kill you, it will decide to kill you and then do it, not your choice. But black bears? My uncle has been chasing the same bear around his property for years Looney Tunes style with no casualties on either end, what the fuck do you have to do to a black bear to make it want to kill you if chasing one with a broom after it was picking your apples does not provoke them to violence?

narutwitter

raccoonmilf

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to refer to your unvaccinated dog as an “empty vessel for rabies.” I’m sure it’s also something else. Like an empty vessel for distemper.

bumblebeebats

Made the mistake of buying a bag of spinach as a person who lives alone so now every single meal I eat for the next 2 weeks is gonna about this damn spinach. We are on 24/7 spinach lockdown. Last time this happened, I made 3 salads and a spinach curry and spinach pasta and STILL half the bag turned to green rot in the fridge. My conception of "what meals require spinach" is rapidly expanding into "what meals COULD conceivably include spinach." I am considering recipes never before seen outside the realms of vegan mommy blogs. By day 10 I anticipate I will probably just do a Land Before Time and take the rest of that shit raw

phaeton-flier

Bear religion probably fucking rocks. You're a fucking bear, you're the deadliest thing on earth, once a year an endless supply of salmon just flings itself up the river to gorge on and then you nap for 3 months.

phaeton-flier

The most delicious food in the world is protected by tiny demons who can defend it from everyone except you. Your natural armor is thick enough that you can just eat the damn hive while they buzz around you. God's chosen animals right there

theaudientvoid

centrally-unplanned

Regular bears tell stories of angel bears sent by the Bear God, pure white and twice as strong as any normal bear could be, who rule the summit of the Earth and kill all who stand in their path.

And they are right, those bears exist and totally do that. Humans just have fake angels as a cope.

theabigailthorn

love the idea of bears being the chosen species actually. having a near death experience and glimpsing heaven and realising it's just full of bears, no humans at all, humans not ensouled actually, humans an accidental byproduct of God's plan for bears

shiverandqueeef

how measurements work in canada (ie/ badly)

soulren

“Ghosts are real” I can see how you could believe that

“Ghosts aren’t real” it’s very fair and rational that you believe that

“Ghosts aren’t real anymore” I’m about to hear a poem or very sad story

“Ghosts aren’t real yet” the fuck are you going to do

shamebats

can-i-make-image-descriptions

[Image ID: Tweet from Eli McCann (@/ EliMcCann) reading: My husband is cleaning out our baking cabinet and he just said to me "how attached are you to these nine bags of hardened brown sugar? Let me know if one of these is a family heirloom." And I felt that shade down to my core. /End ID]