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\\ They/Them/Theirs and Xe/Xyr/Xyrs // Minor \\ Neurodiverse and Mentally ill // Nonbinary + Queer \\ IDK What this blog is but here we go //

[paradoxical-computer]

Welcome To The Void

Hey! I’m Paradox, my pronouns are they/them and xe/xyr, and I’m doing this blog so I have a place to talk about mental health and neurodiversity stuff. I’m diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and I think I have autism as well as some trauma-related stuff. I also have tics, although I’m not sure if it's related to the ADHD/autism or its own thing. 

This blog will probably be a mix of serious stuff, memes, and venting, so yeah. Also probably lots of cursing. Be aware of that. 

DNI Includes racists/ableists/queerphobes/etc (obviously), pro-shippers/anti-antis, transmeds/terfs, and NSFW/Adult Focused Blogs (I am a minor, remember that).

[neurodivergent-noodle-deactivat]

some autism advocacy really comes across as: “everyone should be able to unmask and show their true selves! but not if your autism presents in a way that makes the community look bad”

and on one level, I get that. I really do. when you’ve lived your whole life with a stigmatised disorder, it makes sense that your first instinct is going to be to try to separate yourself from the stigma. and it makes sense that your advocacy work would then focus on disproving certain aspects of the stigma.

but autism advocacy is useless if it leaves behind the most vulnerable members of our community. some of us have traits that look a lot like the stigmatised and stereotyped idea of autism that people have in their heads.

destigmatising autism shouldn’t be about saying that those people don’t exist. it’s about saying that we’re still human beings who deserve to be treated with love and respect, the same as any other human being. it’s about allowing a broad range of voices to be heard in autism spaces.

and it’s about making people more comfortable to be outwardly autistic if they want to, regardless of what that means, or what that looks like.

[somewhere-bear-deactivated20220]

also this consistently annoys me so i’m gonna yell about it again. you can’t “go” nonverbal or semiverbal. it’s a constant state of being, it doesn’t temporarily come and then go again and you certainly can’t just “force” yourself to not be nonverbal or semiverbal. my ability to speak is very inconsistent so i call myself semiverbal or semispeaking, but it always impacts how i communicate, no matter what. there’s a *constant* blockage between what i’m thinking and what i end up saying. i’m able to type so I use AAC usually, but even then it’s hard to express myself with words. there’s just a disconnect, and it gets more or less apparent from day to day, but it’s always there. it’s not an “episode” that just goes away.

fully-speaking and low support needs autistic people don’t know what we go through but they still fully feel comfortable using our language and taking over our conversations. the nonverbal and semiverbal tags are full of speaking autistics talking about a temporary state of being. it’s alienating, and i know it’s probably even worse for nonspeaking autistics. 

y’all really need to start listening to people like us more, rather than acting like we don’t exist and then using our terminology for yourselves.

[pompomblog]

Bell Car / Comics Youth @comicsyouth “Around 40% of autistic people are nonverbal, meaning they do not learn to speak beyond a few words or echolalia (repetition of words). A larger percentage may experience intermittent speech - meaning they cannot speak reliably all the time. They may stutter, not be able to say the words they are thinking of or lose speech entirely. Living in a world that expects communication through spoken word in most settings, these groups are widely misunderstood. It is often assumed that someone who is unable to speak also lacks all understanding and intelligence - they may be spoken about as if they aren't there, treated like an object, expected to have no independence or ability to 'contribute'. A person who can speak sometimes but not others may be seen as defiant, lazy, or just shy. In reality, a nonspeaking person will often know exactly what they want to say, but it is physically impossible to say the words aloud - as if there is a blockage between the brain and mouth. The feeling could be compared to trying to wiggle your ears, some people can do it but for many of us those muscles simply feel inaccessible. You can imagine how frustrating this would be if people expected you to do it on command. When researching the experiences of nonverbal autistic people, a clear thread is found; the greatest success of the nonverbal person's life is perceived to be the day that they learn to talk. Endless inspirational stories about 'the day my autistic child said I love you', followed by mass celebration as if the child is now suddenly a real person and hasn't been expressing their love this whole time. This is a success in many ways; namely that the ability to speak will bring more acceptance from those around them and make day to day communication quicker. But it is important to realise that a person has just as much value and potential whether they speak or not. They can still achieve amazing things even if you never hear their voice. There are many ways to communicate without saying a word. Body language, stimming, ASL, written word, picture communication cards, art, music, dance. Every individual has so much to give, if you know how to listen.”

[paradoxical-computer]

I have a issues talking most of the time, and its always “how can we get them to talk more” and not “how can we learn to communicate better with them.” I can communicate just fine, even if its not verbal, you all just need to listen to what I have to say. 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

being autistic means politely telling people your feelings in the most honest and straightforward manner possible, and them not believing you because you don't "seem" like you feel that way. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???

[paradoxical-computer]

Happy Halloween Everyone!!

Have a great day, no matter how you spend it :)

[paradoxical-computer]

Here’s a thing I just thought about.

Growing up being not normal TM, whenever I complained about shit I was dealing with I was constantly told some variation of “at least it’s not worse” or “be grateful for what you have”. 

Oh, your parents won’t use your preferred name and obviously don’t see you as your gender? At least they (sometimes) use your pronouns and you haven’t gotten kicked out yet.

Oh, your ADHD/autism actually causes issues that feel impossible to get through and your family doesn’t accept that? At least your diagnosed, and your family is trying to help you. 

Oh, you hurt a lot and don’t want to be very active because you’re always sore and in pain? It could be worse, you could be in pain all the time and soreness isn’t that bad. Plus you don’t have to do much anyway.

Oh, your parents make you feel uncomfortable and bad like more than half of the time? At least they don’t hit you, and there are kids who don’t have family, or food, or a house, or anything.

So PSA: You do not have to be grateful for subpar help. You do not need to be grateful for the bare minimum. Just because others have it worse does not mean your problems aren’t real. You don’t need to be grateful for being able to live, and just because others suffer differently doesn’t mean that you don’t suffer at all.

[paradoxical-computer]

This is a vent because ahhhhhhh (sorry for the shitty grammar and stuff :|)

I always fucking hurt. I’m always sore, because most of my tics include tensing my muscles and throwing my head around everywhere and it hurts, and I’m just realizing my ankle never healed right or something so now it always hurts and its been like this for two years and I never realized that it randomly giving out under me is an issue. And I hurt it again recently (like a few months ago) and it hurts more now and during PE we have to run a lot and it hurts more but I can’t tell anyone because either “oh its fine. You can get over it” or “Now your ankle hurts? What are you going to diagnose yourself with next” or some shit. It aches, and I put more pressure on my other ankle so that one aches too and I don’t even notice all the time because I’m used to it, but even if I don’t notice it it still hurts. I’m tired. I can’t do it anymore. I have to talk, I have to do things even when I hurt, I can’t take pain meds because it makes the issue feel more real and shit, and nobody believes me.

[sapphic-affirming-memes]

are you autistic and gay?

lesbian and autistic perhaps?

an autistic pan or bisexual?

asexual and autistic?

trans or non binary and autistic?

any autistic member of the LGBTQ+ community?

well guess what...

you're fucken great and I love you

[zikadraws]

Repost if your account is LGBTQ+ & autistic-friendly

[paradoxical-computer]

To all the autistics who don’t fit into the internet’s version autism, who aren’t verbal, who are high support needs, and who can’t mask, you are okay. You are not just a stereotype, you are not just lazier low support needs autistics, you are not worth any less.

And to all the autistics who do fit into the internet’s version of autism, its your job to help those people be heard. Find creators who are nonverbal, or who have “scary” or “upsetting” symptoms, or who can’t mask, and not only listen to them, but help get their voices out there. 

The issue isn’t that we can’t speak for ourselves, its that nobody is willing to listen.

[paradoxical-computer]

I hate that I went for *insert my age here* years not being diagnosed with ADHD and autism despite me struggling, but the moment the pandemic messes up my masking, and I start more obviously struggling and having issues, thats when fam decides I should get tested. Its only a problem when they’re being affected. I hate that.

[clownpuppysposts]

There’s a big problem in the autistic community we need to address

I am a semi speaking autistic with high support needs, when strangers see me, they know I’m autistic.

I’ve often seen fully speaking autistics refer to me and other autistics like me as “just stereotypes”

But I’m not just a stereotype, and neither are other autistics like me.

We deserve to be seen too, we deserve to be seen as people with our own personalities.

Please don’t forget us

(Absolutely ok to rb, please spread this around)

[paradoxical-computer]

So I see a lot of people saying things like “omg this person has so many mental illnesses they must be faking how could the function blah blah blah” so I’m gonna make a weird numbered rant post about why thats wrong lol. (also I know I talk about ADHD specifically in this rant but thats the one I know most about)

1. Many mental disorders/neurodivergent disorders often come in groups:

People seem to forget this for some reason, but in some cases having x disorder makes you more likely to have y disorder. ADHD, autism, tic disorders, and OCD are a few disorders that are commonly comorbid, meaning they commonly appear together. According to CHADD “More than half of all individuals who have been diagnosed with ASD also have signs of ADHD. ... On the flip side, up to a quarter of children with ADHD have low-level signs of ASD...” This isn’t just the case with ADHD and autism, anxiety and depression are two of the most commonly comorbid disorders, with an estimated 60% of people with one of them showing symptoms of the other (link). Comorbid disorders are really common, so the chances that one person has more that two or three disorders isn’t that low. 

2. Complications from these mental disorders can cause other mental disorders:

Disorders you’re born with generally cause issues, thats the point of them being disorders. Kids with already existing disabilities or disorders are often bullied, have trouble at school, have trouble at home, or deal with other forms of stressful or traumatic experiences throughout childhood. These kinds of stressors can cause things like anxiety, depression, maladaptive daydreaming, dissociative disorders, etc. To use ADHD as an example (again), The Chesapeake Center says that the the likelihood of someone with ADHD having coexisting conditions is extremely high, especially for teens and adults that don’t have treatment. “Tom Brown, Ph.D., psychology professor at Yale and internationally recognized authority on ADHD, has proposed that ADHD is a “foundational disorder” — a disorder that creates a vulnerability toward a host of other psychiatric conditions in adolescence and adulthood, especially when ADHD goes unrecognized and untreated.” They go on to say that over 70% of adults with ADHD have some other disorder that should be taken into account while working on treatment. This can apply to disorders like autism, tic disorders, and intellectual disabilities as well. Autism Connection of Pennsylvania says “Sometime there is a biological predisposition to [other mental health issues]; others may develop these conditions out of their constant struggle to cope with the world around them.” So being born with one or two mental disorders can end up developing into more issues down the line.

3. Treatment, lack of treatment, or incorrect treatment can cause other stuff to develop:

Technically like the last point, but slightly more specific. I’m going to draw from my own experiences for this point. I was born with ADHD and autism, as well as mild tics. When I was young, I was yelled at for doing certain ND things, like not speaking, stimming, not looking people in the eyes, and making certain sounds. This caused anxiety for me, as well as a need to mask at a young age to avoid being hurt. When the pandemic happened all my masking fell apart, and now I’m being treated for ADHD. My first round of ADHD meds caused my tics to worsen, and now I have them much more severe than I used too. I also have bad anxiety, depression, and some trauma stuff because of the masking, bullying, and yelling that I had endured due to my ND traits. So I went from ADHD, autism, and mild tics, to ADHD, autism, moderate-to-severe tics, depression, anxiety, and more. 

In Conclusion

Don’t be a dick, having lots of disorders isn’t insane. I’ll admit some people claim to have so many they would need a lot of help to function, and probably couldn’t be on social media, but just having more than like, two disorders isn’t a reason to fakeclaim someone. 

Okay I’m done goodbye.

[edea-the-undead]

Part 34 Autistic Characters: Flynn Carsen

from the Librarians

[paradoxical-computer]

Yessssssssssssss

[ancientartifacts1010]

Important reminder to myself and everyone else who is verbal, that when we want to describe “going silent and not being able to talk when we usually can talk”, as “lose speech” , not “semiverbal” or “going nonverbal”

[paradoxical-computer]

I need to do my homework and finish my essay.

Most people would be like “okay, I need to do this thing, so I’ll do it.” They may have some writers block, or some issues getting started, but they’d most likely be able to get it done eventually.

However, right now I can’t do it. My brain isn’t working right and I literally have no idea what I’m doing, what I’m trying to say, and how to fix it.

I’m also currently unable to speak, so getting this across to my parents is hard (plus they would probably wouldn’t listen anyways, and/or would try to “help” and end up making me upset).

I can’t get the homework done because of an executive function issue, which is caused by ADHD. I can’t communicate that because of my autism causing my inability to speak. These are common issues people with ADHD and autism deal with.

Tell me again how I can’t use my disabilities as an excuse for not getting things done. That’s the point of the fucking disability. 

[paradoxical-computer]

Me, when I’m unable to talk: *gestures and mouthing things frantically*

Parents, who know I do this and know I can’t speak: We can’t understand you! Just talk, that would be nice.

Me: *visible confusion*