fuck man its like 4am but lets analyze bullshit shall we
so okay, i really dont feel good anymore and im nauseous, seriously why is this a reaction
okay it lessened, amazing.
i immediately felt crushingly sad and almost started crying
and then my lungs did this weird thing and then i felt really nauseous
and now im just really bummed and it just makes me wanna die
i just dont wanna feel this way man
is it my fault? it shouldnt be, right? but still I wouldnt feel this way if a different course of action had taken place like a year ago but i dont think its my fault by why would two pictures make me feel this atrociously distressed.
In the beginning there was the catalyst, it caused mistrust and anger.
which eventually led to self-exile and i got the fuck away so i wouldnt feel how im feeling all the time.
so i guess this is improvement.
now theres just random events that on occasion i see her in some fucking form and it doesnt matter WHAT IT IS BECAUSE ALL IT DOES IS UPSET ME AND I STILL DONT KNOW WHY
even if shit is cool and she feels terrible about how i feel that still wouldnt change anything
nothing would change anything
Im tryin to put this in a fucking format for me to understand and get where this is coming from
1) i see her, who cares how
now what im trying to do is skip steps 2-6.
7) i feel better (/less shitty/not fucking wanting death)
like i try thinking of other people to distract myself
im just wondering how it got this bad
was it emotional attachment?
was it really one-sided emotional attachment
how do you even go feeling that way towards someone and still not get anything in return
im not saying "FUCKING CUNT #FRIENDZONED #STUPIDBITCH #NICEGUYSFINISHLAST"
one of those made me feel really good to type, oh boy which was it
what im trying to say is i just feel bad man
id be having so much more fun without this
could go out more without fear
i could browse my fucking tumblr without maybe seeing something bad
(which happens like once everyother month maybe)
i could hang out with people and not care if shes there too cause hey man life goes on dont woory bout it.
am i allowed to feel this way
am i allowed to live life and not feel shame for being a fucking shit about this
can i really be allowed to go on just disliking and avoid someone so much that i dont like going to college just because i might run into them maybe.
ive been feeling like this for a long time, not like this emotional state but like that little last bit
how do i stop feeling so sad when i see someone
like i honeslty think this is what a broken heart feels like ive never before these events have felt this sad because of one little thing and my chest actually hurts so im just putting 2 and 2 together.
i see and hear on the movies about people eventually getting better after shit like this but why am i making such a big deal out of nothing
i mean its just one person
that i happened to just pour my heart, soul, and emotions into
and they just kinda went in a dreadfully long like it took months
just for them to finally be honest and say 'nah'
i mean not literally but that was really it.
how do you even do that, why does it take a disgustingly high amount of lies and evasions
to eventually just be like 'nah, i dont, nah, i knew what you were up to most of the time but hey lets be a fucking cunt and just ignore it and talk about something else'
but i guess thats a lesson in fucking maturity
i mean im visualizing it from the other side and realizing, well, maybe open honesty was a terrible decision for them earlier on in life and they just wanted to avoid that conflict...even when it caused more
but regardless i think thats what gets me the most man
and then even now i feel bad like 'wow thomas you're such an asshole why didnt you get that and back off, why didnt you realize that sooner, stop feeling bad you fucking moron.'
really most of this is just analysis followed by self hatred
and it repeats itself like the fun cycle it is.
i dont really know what the point of this was but i guess it was cathartic cause i feel better even though i cant scroll down without immense amounts of sadness and depression taking over
but at the same time im still really sad and i dont wanna feel this way and i just wanna be happy but i dont think ill really be happy until i can just meet someone and have a great time with them and they're having one too and it eventually leads to bigger and better things.
but for the time being i feel distressed and really sad and i wont not feel that way until something comes along
i mean im trying to do this shit all alone and thats so much fun but i really think that if something, someone came along and just was like
'hey thoms how u ur cool and i cool lets be cool 2gethr'
except they wouldnt type like a fucking nimrod and try to type a bit better than that
i dont really know how to end this im trying to think of more things
but i mean yeah thats it, everytime i see her, through images or eyes i just want to die i feel so sad but eventually that goes away and i wouldnt do anything like kill myself anyway but still i shouldnt feel like that for more than like, literally any length of time at all,
and i dont wanna talk to them and be like "SUP NIGGA HOW U" and discuss this matter because, well as miguel once said, "oh thomas its only as awkward as YOU make it"
but i can make things really awkward yay shyness
i mean this shit works, shitposting and what not
but how do i avoid this other than confrontation or time
i mean i really just wanna live it oregon or washington tbh
anyway i dont wanna do the therapist thing or more pills like ive always been against that shit no matter how much that part of my brain hates me
(i guess i should explain that last bit, im against them because i feel like my brain shouldnt be up to this shit but it does and just talking and pills seems unnatural but i guess its not good to try to let it fix itself)
but i guess i feel better now its been like an hour , like 4:51am
i should probably go to bed
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