˚₊‧꒰ა angel boy ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

bpd, bd II, asd, adhd, anxiety delusional and paranoid || iwc, triggering topics || posts cuts and mental health fuckshit, sorry

[pinkgutsblr]

[pleaseseemeibeg]

it's been an entire year since one of the worst spirals of my life and I'm honestly still not too sure how to feel about it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that I'm okay. I'm happy that I got through it and I'm happy I'm getting back into the interests that she ruined for me. I'm happy that I can't remember the last time I cried.

But something just feels wrong. I'm not used to things being normal. I'm not used to things being so quiet and tame. It's disturbing.

And then I feel like a monster; ungrateful and attention-seeking, because to be honest? I want to spiral again. There needs to be something wrong for things to feel right.

I don't want the people I love to see that side of me anymore. The memory of me, drunk and crying at 6 am to my friend, telling them I was "so, so tired" is burned into my brain. I have no idea if they remember it, but I do. And I don't want to put them through that ever again. They don't deserve that after showing me so much love and kindness.

It's like a contradictory hell not knowing whether I want to be okay or not. I don't want to take responsibility for my own self-destruction. It's like I want it to happen to me rather than me a conscious choice of mine.

I want to be adored and respected. I want to be wanted. I want people to love me and desire me. I want to be someone I'm not. I want to be strong. I want to be reliable. How can I be any of those things when I'm always a hair's length away from completely losing control on a whim? When I don't even know who I really am?

[pleaseseemeibeg]

she was only 12

[pleaseseemeibeg]

thinking about this recently

[pleaseseemeibeg]

having friends in a different timezone is 70% waiting alone for people to get online to talk to and 30% destroying your health through lack of sleep and poor diet because you adore them and hate the idea of having to wait so long to talk to them again

then the bad sleep schedule leads to you not eating regularly, your mood and mental health plummets, you accidentally lash out from fatigue and suddenly they're gone and you're alone again

that or you love them so much you literally socially burn yourself out and yet you keep going back to talk to them because the idea of talking to no one at all is so much scarier and more painful

[pleaseseemeibeg]

I want to love and be loved by someone but whenever I get into relationships they're actually kind of the worst because of all the expectations put onto me and all the power they then hold over me

[cyb3rplantscenes]

",,my partner," ",,my girlfriend," ",,my boyfriend,," EYE ROLL. NEXT. WHO CARES? SNORE. NOBODY. ASKED

[avbpd-muffin]

Sitting in bed just chilling and watching videos when my brain suddenly is like "something is wrong, you won't achieve anything and living is pointless"

What the hell, I was just relaxing

[ru1n3r]

i actually genuinely wouldn’t wish bpd on my worst enemy nobody deserves to suffer like this

[sarinisanta]

I dont wanna be a bitter ass or anything in here but it sometimes feels weird seeing folks here talk about being so lonely and isolated and then apparently they have been hanging out on VC with friends in a daily manner for months and have friends come over 2 days ago.

Meanwhile I haven't had a conversation in a week and the last time I had a friends come over to my house Covid hadn't happened yet.

And let me be clear, they are totally valid talking about that. They are not wrong, their feelings are not invalid cause "I win the being an isolated dumbass Olympics" or anything.

I just feel trapped on the periphery of everyone's life while I slowly rot away.

And then I'll die.

[emotionalsupporthandgun]

in that weird silly little spot between ‘wanting to curl up in a ball in the dark’ and ‘let’s go fucking crazy and do something insanely reckless’

[splittingatbothends]

Fuck this plane of existence where’s the exit

[pleaseseemeibeg]

the fact that nothing has happened and yet I'm suddenly doing so much worse mentally and emotionally pisses me off so fucking bad. Can you give me SOMETHING to work with?? fym that I'm suddenly in the shitstorm of a mixed episode and I can't even blame anything??

[flowers-in-book]

when i get more active on tumblr thats how you know im getting insane again

[pleaseseemeibeg]

hey so that feeling that everything is slowly slipping out of your control and yet nothing has "went wrong" is kinda terrifying how do I go back to normal

[pleaseseemeibeg]

I wish I was a fictional character being real and being acknowledged by others is scary

[pleaseseemeibeg]

as much as I love having friends and people who care about me it also is a bit of a pain because when I'm having my "I need chaos and self-destruction" moments I can't just fly completely off the rails and binge/self-sabotage into oblivion because I don't want my friends to worry or go through that

it's times like these where I miss having that safe sense of distance between me and others

[pleaseseemeibeg]

omg it's been a whole month since I posted on tumblr I swear I'm okay things have actually been good (hence me not being on tumblr)