it's been a while - a little life update and where i stand with wanting to convert
the last time i was really actively posting on here must be around two years ago at this point, if not longer. a lot has happened since then.
first and foremost, i stopped converting orthodox. my sponsoring rabbi leaving the community hit me hard, as did my only close acquaintances in the community who are my age moving away too. suddenly it felt like i was back at square one. the rabbi who took me on was the rabbi for a community 2h away by train, and he didn't even live in that city, he lives in berlin.
plus, my mental health got increasingly worse with the stress of university and my financial problems. as a result, i simply couldn't continue the process. i had no support system within my local community anymore, it was a finacial undertaking i simply couldn't manage, and i didn't feel comfortable with my new sponsoring rabbi.
it was for the best, still is.
i eventually stopped going to shabbat prayers at my synagogue in 2024 once i moved into my own apartment. i now live outside the city center and can't easily reach my community anymore, plus i started to work part-time in retail, which meant a lot of times i had to work on shabbat.
while it was a huge blow that i had to give up so much ritual and structure i'd built my life around, it was a change i needed at the time.
in 2025 i finally quit uni for good, and i'm now doing an apprenticeship to become a warehouse specialist. i still work in retail, so until my apprenticeship is finished, i probably won't return to the giur process.
i also started dating a friend in 2025, and we officially got together at the beginning of january this year. he's not jewish, now lives in a different city (with a more liberal community which even has two rabbis), and he's a great source of energy, happiness, and comfort for me. he's one of the people i trust the most, and he knows that me becoming jewish is still a possibility.
and it is, still a possibility. the pull hasn't left. it was dormant for a while, but it's there. my local community has shlichim currently, and maybe i'll actually make it to shabbat dinner on friday for the first time in ages. i would like to.
i also want to visit the community in my boyfriend's city soon, get an impression of their shabbat. maybe meet some people there.
i don't know yet where i want to live after my apprenticeship, where i want to work, what exactly i want to do. maybe my boyfriend doesn't want to stay there, maybe he does, i don't know yet. a part of me does hope he wants to stay in that city for a while. so that maybe i can eventually move there too. especially if i like the community.
i don't think an orthodox giur is the path for me, for now at least. i know in my soul that one part of my true happiness-needs is to become jewish. whether everyone would accept my giur is secondary. i think... what matters most is to find the right community, the right people who will support me, and who will accept me.
because i'm serious about my boyfriend. i'm not giving up on him just because he's not jewish and has no intention to convert. and i feel like i'd had have to if we stay together and want to build a life and a family together, but i'd also "insist" on an orthodox giur.
the pull is still there. i sometimes read the parasha if i remember to. and i still Love reading my favourite tehillim. i feel that spark, that deeply rooted Love for hashem and judaism and i do yearn for a jewish life.
and i do hope, still, that one day it is meant to be, g-dwilling. i do trust in hashem. if it is meant to be, it will happen when the time is right.
i needed the giur process for a while, i needed that initial experience. i grew from it so much, learned so much from it and because of it, i just wasn't meant to complete it at that time.
i'll see what the future holds. maybe i can. make shabbat prayer and dinner in my community this week. maybe i can visit the community in the city where my boyfriend lives soon. maybe i'll just have to go from there