Good morning to all you guys, gals, non-binary pals, and otherwise.
Today I’m going to tell you the story of Cain and Abel. Please stop reading if you’re the type of Christian that can be super-easily-offended.
But Christian mythology is technically still mythology, so I can tell this here.
Now, Cain and Abel were the children of the first people ever: Adam and Eve. I would have liked to be there when Eve was giving birth. Mind you, there had never been a real baby yet.
What the fuck is this? A small person? Adam, I should have kept him in the incubator longer. He’s under-cooked.
But they kept their under-cooked babies, and soon they became slightly bigger small people.
Now, Abel decided to be a shepherd, so he took all the animal-related responsibilities. You know, feeding them, cleaning them, and of course, sacrificing them.
Now, he didn’t sacrifice all of his animals. That would have been rather counter-productive. But every once in a while, he thought he’d burn one as an offering.
God, please take this dead sheep, and maybe stop being mad about that one time my parents ate an apple. Thanks.
Cain, on the other hand, was a farmer. He would tend to the earth, pull weeds, grow food, and also make sacrifices.
Now, maybe humans didn’t really understand the function of fire yet, or maybe Cain was just a dumbass. But when they both put their offerings on the fire for God to accept, Abel’s caught fire first, while Cain’s only smoldered.
Honestly, the dude probably put a head of lettuce on an open flame and expected it to burn. That shit’s mostly water!
It wasn’t Abel’s fault that God wasn’t a vegan, but Cain didn’t see it that way.
God likes Abel better than me, Cain said to himself one day. Because, yes, Cain was the kind of person to talk to himself. Sad.
And what conclusion, you ask, did Cain come to? Well, not a very smart one.
God will like me better if Abel is gone.
So, he decided to get rid of his brother. Sibling love, am I right?
Remember, of course, that a human had never died. But Cain had seen Abel kill some sheep, so he figured it couldn’t be too hard.
Some art depicts it like this. Abel gazing off into the distance, Cain standing behind him with a rock.
Other art is more direct.
But either way, Cain killed Abel. And then, like his parents before him, he felt bad and ran.
Of course, God found him. Naturally, God suspected that something was up.
Hey, Cain. Whatcha got there?
Cain dropped his stick (or rock, depending on what you read)
Nice try, kid. But smoothies haven’t been invented yet. Where’s your brother at?
Fuck if I know, Cain said defensively. I’m not his babysitter.
But God wasn’t falling for that bullshit. He knew that Cain had become the first ever murderer.
I’m not angry, He decided. Just disappointed.
Cain knew that was worse.
God decided not to kill him, but he had to live out the rest of his days wandering the earth, having been banished from his home.
Anyway, at one point he found some girl to marry. Where did this girl come from, you ask? Hard to say. The odds that she was his sister are higher than my pay grade.
Anyway, that’s the story of the first murderer in Christian mythology.
tangentwithtanner
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