i dont miss overwatch but i miss the psychosexual dynamics of playing mercy or whatever like. getting to briefly exist in the body of The blender porn girl you know
Binding your swornsister's soul to your blade, that she may stay with you even after her death to revel in your joint battles, is all fine and good until it's been a decade since your last good fight—longer still since any real battle—and she's still in there, and you can hear her crying every night, longing for the grip of your palm and the guts of your enemies. And of course she won't let you be, even in your dreams, appearing there too. Whole and young as the day she died, while you've gotten older and timeworn. Gripping her pretty head by the hair and driving her skull through the chest of some faceless foe, the air is sparkling like diamonds. The blood's all over her and she's smiling at you, fucking blissed-out and naked, because of course she's naked, she's only doing this to fuck with you.
So you take her down off the mantel, and before the sun's really up, just blue-gray on the horizon— reflecting off her, the blade you've never had to clean or sharpen—you stumble from your home. And with your bare feet in the early spring dirt and your bare hand on the leather wrap of her grip, she talks to you again. Denies the dream. Won't admit she's doing it on purpose. Pretending like she isn't the one doing this to you. Playing coy.
Someone sees you, and you see him back. You know him. You always know them. You actually live here, in this shithole town where no one asks that many questions. He nods at you, the gesture of something small and dumb and dead. He hasn't seen your state, not yet. Half dressed and wild eyed with sleep deprivation. Naked sword in your practiced hand.
Haven't had a good fight in a decade. Still true, this guy isn't fighting you. Slip her into him, feel the POP of the skin and fat, the slick glide of the intestines, the clattering of bone and it's already over.
Wrench her up! Tear him open! She's happy. She's there with you.
"Good girl."
You say it into her pommel, which happens to be next to the guy's ear. If he was listening, he dies very confused, but it was just a little dirty talk.
They'll find him in the morning and say he got robbed. Or a scuffle gone wrong. One of his buddies, probably. Or some drifter from somewhere else. Always goes that way. The men who don't know their jobs are to clean up your messes will nod at you in the morning as you pass by on your walk to the docks. Just like he did.
She's back on your mantel for not quite a week before it all starts up again. Not dreams this time, but hauntings. Things thrown and dropped. Odd noises in the dark. Fucking brat.
Good's never good enough for her, is it? She always wants more. Fine. You can give her a little more. Start wearing her around. Show off your jewelry. Invite someone to really try you. And they do. They always do. Can't throw a rock in this world without hitting someone looking to prove anyone can best a swordswoman.
You're at the bar when the rock hits home. He's drunker than you are, face red with it, and his buddies are all behind him jeering while he prods at you. Like you need the provocation. You've been shivering with glee since you saw him stand up. Next time he touches you, you bite him. He's a bleeder, barely nipped at the skin and you're covered in the stuff.
"Jealous?" you ask her, tucked neatly in her scabbard. Now that the idea's struck you, the whole thing lays itself out so neatly in your mind. You throw a punch. She doesn't feel anything. You knock one of his teeth out. She's biting at the leather you've got her in. You break his arm and claw at his eyes and she stays exactly where you have her. She gets to play the cuckold and it's delicious to deny her.
Until one of his dumbshit friends grabs her right from under your nose. Too busy chewing your food? He's a scrawny kid but he's got a good few scars to show for himself, and he's holding her not without any skill.
And-
This is so much better. God she's so fucking hot like that. You can take care of him easily enough, but halfway through dodging and weaving around his swings, you realize what's happening. She's fucking helping him. You're fighting her.
Its good, it's so good. Like having the bitch back from the dead, she can turn even this pimplefaced idiot into her avatar. You shoot the cartilage of his nose up into his skull and he falls into a heap. Didn't even know that could really happen, but it does and you can feel her squirming when you do it.
She got you, once. A little line of pink flesh is poking out from under your eye. It's going to scar nasty. You'll have to get her back for it. Soon enough, you do. Same routine, new bar. Pick a fight with the biggest group of men you see, wait for one of them to take her and then make sure you're the only two people left standing.
She plays dirty. Knows all your tics. It's heaven. She's alive every time you fight her. You're young as long as she's facing you down.
Until you're not. Someone gets you with a chair to the shoulders. Shouldn't faze you, and it's not like he didn't get what he had coming, but… but it takes you months to recover enough to go back out. Then someone hits it again, a year later. Same spot. With a metal pipe. Reopens all the old wounds, and doubles the old pain. She has to intervene, and the guy holding her slips suddenly, impaling himself and his pipe wielding friend in the fall.
You both reach the same conclusion on the limping walk home. This can't go on any longer. You're not keeping up with her. She visits you in your dreams again, this time to soothe you. It breaks something deep in your guts, this kindness from her. Feels to final. Shatters itself and tears you open. The fear you hadn't felt since you were a teenager. Death. Looming over you. Can't bear to lose this. Lose your nights together.
She's got an idea. Just have to find the right instrument.
"And you'll inset the hilt with this." You hand the blacksmith a jewel. "Doesn't even have to be visible, just has to be in there."
"Looks all scratched up," he squints at the near imperceptible script you've carved into the surface of the jewel. That's half the work done, there. The easy half, she reminds you from your hip. You tell her that she had you to do the hard part for her, the little princess.
"Just do it. I'm sure paying you more than enough. Then once it's ready, I want you to wrap it in this," you hand him the cloth. It's stained deep brown with your dried blood. The blacksmith's face pales. "And burn it. while it's still over the blade."
He looks at the money you're paying him, in advance, and then back to you. Wonder if he knows what you're planning?
Two weeks and three days later, it's ready. You watch him burn the wrap. Has his assistant do it. No one talks. There's nothing left to say. You pull the sword out of the ashes—still hot, it burns the skin off your hand, not that that matters anymore—and give the blacksmith a tip. It's more than what you paid in the first place.
"Well then." You were never good with words. "Got a will in my pocket."
Awkward angle, but it'll work.
Trachea to Tits to Navel to Crotch. It's a wonderful sword. Practically cut yourself in two with one swing. Then you're dying. Real fast, the world's spinning around you. Around and around. She's there with you, arm in arm, you're both young again and everything's so beautiful.
Now you've a metal body, rigid and sharp and drinking up the last of your own blood. The swap is instant. You're like her now. And she's there with you. You laugh, but only she hears you. The blacksmith's screaming.
They find your will right where you said it'd be. Pretty simple stuff, you think.
"Give one of my swords to the strongest person left in town. Give the other to the second strongest." Everyone's hesitant, but you're the real deal, a legend by this point, so they do it. Now all that's left is a little nudging from her and you, and soon you'll get to fight again.
The first time your steel meets hers it's better than any kiss. Hotter than any sex you'd ever had, and more intense than any previous fight. Neither of you has to hold back anymore. It doesn't matter if you kill the other, because that wasn't really you at all. Someone else will come along and pick you up and then you'll start again. Across back alleys, dueling halls, and battlefields, you fight her over and over. There are near misses where you kill a thousand men in search of the one wielding her, too much chaos to find each other. You laugh about it between swings when next you meet. There might be decades where you can't make it happen, years sitting in a chest or armory, but you both know that it's only a matter of time. The mountain of corpses you leave behind will grow higher and higher, until it eclipses the sun. Even then you'll still fight her in the dark. 'Til no hand is left to hold you. On a dead world, you'd spark and scrape against each other long into the eternal night.
i dont kinkshame or anything, i just wish some of these kink blogs would break kayfabe once in a while to post in actual solidarity of the people theyre fetishizing. that cis woman has shown no reason to believe that she supports transfeminism, she could very easily be a TERF. theres dozens of detrans kink blogs that use actual detrans rhetoric and at no point have posted anything actually trans-positive, not even in their bio as like a disclaimer or whatever. maybe this is a me problem but idk im just done getting abused by chasers and kinksters that genuinely see me in the ways that these kinks describe.
Handler needs you to play magic the gathering competitive elder dragon highlander okay hound? You be a sweet little mutt for me and go to edhtop16.com, and pick your favourite okay? If you don’t want to think, any of the decks with “Tymna the Weaver” will be good for you to learn with. She’s just like your mech, except instead of brutalising rebels she generates card advantage and instead of your giant mech you get to run “Lotho, Corrupt Sheriff”, my obedient pup. Once you’ve got that just look up some of the bracket 5 decklists on Moxfield and we can get you started okay? If you do well and get at least a draw against the other hounds you’ll get boot time okay? And if you win- hey where are you going what do you mean you’re redding its not that bad i swear come on at least try pauper-
there's an old anne rice interview circulating on twitter rn that i remember reading ages ago where she makes a pretty salient point about how submissive men who have bdsm fantasies etc will go to a sex worker and basically order the ala carte version of their fantasy to be performed in real life but women don't really have that same option and certainly not at the same point of availability so they read her horny books instead. and honestly that argument has been in the back of my mind every time people get on their high horses about the popularity of booktok romantasy novels or heated rivalry or whatever the "women are horny and we're upset about that" cultural property du jour is ever since. women, especially straight women, have so few outlets for their sexual desires, especially if they have a partner who doesn't share them, and i will never understand why "someone ELSE'S private sexual fantasy makes me uncomfortable and therefore they should not be allowed to engage with it, even if i am in no way being affected by it or even aware of it at all" is such a popular party line among allegedly progressive young people.
case fans: don't put your dick in these. stroke the outside carefully, in a circular motion, for maximum stimulation
usb ports: great place for penetration. flash drives are the traditional option but you can connect nearly anything, ask your partner if theyre into something specific. if theyre really kinky, try viruses or pentesting tools like the flipper zero.
power button: threatening to press it can be incredibly hot, but only actually press it with enthusiastic consent.
removable side panel: for getting really intimate. be very careful, the internals are sensitive!
hotswappable parts: sometimes SSDs (M.2 SSDs will be screwed in parallel to the motherboard, others may look different), HDDs (spinning disks inside big cases, usually get their own bay), and GPUs (big chips with fans attached) can be removed while your partner is running, but not all computers support this. this is a common part of BDSM, but make absolutely sure it's safe beforehand.
motherboard: the MOST sensitive part of their body! touch lightly and carefully. running the tips of your fingers along the traces is incredibly stimulating. play with the capacitors, too.
screws: loosening screws can be incredibly erotic, but be careful. especially with M.2 SSDs, this may cause problems! only loosen an M.2 drive if it is NOT mounted.
software: virus play was mentioned earlier, but also simply running very demanding software can be erotic.
download play: downloading embarrassing or illicit files is very hot. be sure to ask consent before installing league of legends.
firewall play: opening up or disabling your partner's firewall can be thought of as akin to exhibitionism. be careful with this, it can be a security risk, but most of the time it's not a big issue.
BIOS play: messing with your partner's BIOS settings can be incredibly intimate. remember, overclocking can be dangerous, only do it in small increments and very carefully! try starting with changing XMP profiles or something first.
that nub they have on thinkpad laptops: that's the clit.
remember some key safety tips:
ALWAYS wear protection! a static wrist strap is important if you are touching the internals, especially the motherboard.
heat warning! your partner will run hot when they're aroused. the GPU and CPU will burn you! even the SSD may run quite hot, especially during download play.
don't stick your dick in the fans. please.
for extra protection, keep viruses isolated inside a virtual machine.
But seriously, if alien PLANTS ever show up, citrus and oaks are going to be trying to breed with them IMMEDIATELY.
We make fun of ourselves for being willing to fuck aliens, but I guarantee you that citrus and oaks are right there with us, aggressively trying to cross-pollinate with any new and interesting conquests.
“Yes, my great-grandfather is a terran bur oak. We don’t like to talk about it, it was very awkward for everyone involved. Except, presumably, the bur oak.”
“There were an alarming amount of whole-genome duplication events on Earth and frankly, I’m not comfortable going into it. They’re resilient as fuck, they grow in all kinds of conditions, and they have terrifying vocabulary like ‘allopolyploidy’. Do you KNOW what that IS? It’s something you don’t bring up around seedlings, that’s for…. that’s for fuckin sure.”
Did you know?: You can fuck the government owned war machines. They can't stop you. And if they try just remind them that they're paid for by *your* tax dollars and you thus own part of them and are allowed to do what you want. Which includes getting railed by a 5-Ton hyper efficient construct of metal and death. As is the right of any person
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