☆ @pigdyke - Tumblr Blog

/ • ANY PRNS • ADULT • DISABLED DYKE

☎️ secret personal blog for whatever I dont want on my main for whatever reason. if you think you know me irl, please leave

☎️ misc reblogs. sometimes nsfw* - will be tagged as nsft. sometimes rambles about mental health stuff and that includes being suicidal

*this is not intended to be an exclusively nsfw blog. anything that I reblog for horny purposes will be tagged accordingly, otherwise assume that its sfw interaction. that being said, if me reblogging something of yours makes you uncomfortable, I'm happy to delete it

🚫 minors dni. cop supporters, terfs, proshippers**, and radqueers get blocked

**I'm not an "anti", I'm just normal. I don't care about ship discourse, I am just uncomfortable with those who call themselves "proshippers" lol.

tags:

#o - original

#r - reblog

#o #r

the main reason why I didnt kill myself is because my entire family was on the edge, killing myself would be a catalyst and everyone else would kill themselvew. Bjt now that's changed. I think theyd get through jt. I really want to kill myself

#o #suicide

whatever. whatever. I keep questioning if I might be a system so lets just entertain it. on a secret sideblog away from those who know me. lets just assume i am. lets explore the possibility. If im wrong, then no harm done!!!

Theres only three "states", or parts ig, ive noticed. Incredibly optimistic and happy me, always smiling(??), far more easy going and forgiving and agreeing to stuff it shouldnt be. more realistic and grounded me, pessimistic and painfully aware of mental illnesses and trauma, angry and hurt. 17 year old who hates me and wants me dead, me from the past, looks like mew from pokemon for some reason.

I have cptsd and bpd and a very inconsistent sense of self. Which is what im struggling with i guess. I never feel like the same person but im not sure if thats because these are actual different parts or just the cptsd/bpd. and I guess girl who gets confused and scared. they all feel separate but they all still feel like "me".

#o #system #plural

things made more sense when I was being abused 😭 how am I supposed to live like this, I feel like I'm floating in purgatory. I need someone to take out their anger on me just so I can feel grounded. yes living in a dafe environment is Great but no I'm not having a good time. I don't want to go back but I crave it sometimes

#being hit feels like it would solve everything. i wasnt even physically abused but it feels like i need someone to hit me. idk #o

if i was a system, and if i had an aang fictive, he'd be a depression holder or whatever which is quite funny considering how he is as a character

#o #but. im not. im reasonably sure

whenever i try to look up if its possible i have a dissociative disorder the results are always "high risk" or "showing signs" or whatever but its like. I have cptsd and bpd. a lot of symptoms overlap. I cant trust those results. idk what to do. I dont think so, i dont think i have alters. But i dont think im normal. I never feel like the same person, and therefore i dont feel like a reoccurring person, but im not one person. I notice different "states" of myself that reoccur that often conflict with each other but thats it. Not one person not multiple people but a secret third thing

#did #osdd #o

GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY IM SO TIRED OF BEING PATIENT ABOUT IT

#o

often in the moment i genuinely wont care and I'll be oh so happy to lend money and go "its okay :)" when people go "sorry about xyz" and its not until days later when im alone i get so fucking angry its nauseating. I need to care in the moment so this fucking ends

#o

I am So fuckjng nice and patient and its making me sick actually. Its not even about trying ti avoid confrontation at this point, i just know making a fuss will make things so much worse for me and its better to be pliant. give me my fucking thousand dollars you owe me. give me all the money ive spent on food for you you owe me. stop making me chase you up on it. oh my god.

#o

decided to jork it but then got distracted and forgot for several hours #adhd

#o #nsft

I want a girl to put one of those shock collars, the ones that activate when you make a loud noise, on me and fuck me, and I have to try to stay quiet and if I cant help myself and make a noise I get zapped <3

#o #nsft #sapphic nsft #wlw nsft #lesbian nsft

I'm just so angry. Had a miserable, abusive childhood. Finally escaped and had like one good year where I was actually happy and doing better both physically and mentally. and now I'm fucking bedridden and have several chronic illnesses that I cant keep up with and ever declining mental health. is that all I get? that one, good, happy year? yeah sure I can Manage My Symptoms and Live Better but many of my illnesses, both physical and mental, are lifelong, no cure. okay. how is that fucking fair?

#honestly having that one good year is so painful in hindsight. got to feel how good living could be #now that is permanently out of reach and im just so angry #chronic illness #chronically ill #disability #cptsd #vent #and it hurts so much to know it was always going to be this way. genetics and the abuse. i was never going to make it out physically health #i never had a chance and im so angry i want to vomit.#o

pigdyke

ngl one of the main reasons I made this blog was so that I could reblog anti taylor swift posts without my irl friends who are obsessed with her seeing them

demonprincex

people calling Gaylor "qanon for white women": have i got news for you about qanon

would love to orgasm one day. it sounds like fun

#o #nsft

me realising I have childhood sexual trauma: well I wasnt abused but I wasnt not NOT abused, you know? haha. like. does grooming count as abuse? all I ever see about csa is when it goes further than that. anyways I wasnt getting abused or assulted, my sibling was, she went through way worse than what I did. and my parents also. i knew from a young age what rape amd abuse was because my mum was raped and abused as a child. my dad was as well. sex has always been like a car wreck to me sick to my stomach but I cant look away! anyways. yeah like i wasnt abused yknow so I dont think i have csa trauma. but some trauma from childhood is there. it doesnt count, its like a scraped knee compared to a gunshot wound. just being groomed and nothing else. who can say!!

#idk man #tw csa #trauma #o

having friends who are systems is hard because finding a birthday present for them is twice as complicated. need something that Everyone will like and I can never remember "oh is this a collective interest or just something that One Particular Alter likes?" and then wrapping it is also complicated because colours have Meanings beyond "yeah I like this colour". I went with green tissue paper and purple ribbons because The Riddler has been out a lot lately so hopefully he is fronting when I give them the present

#o

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