Honestly I’m not even really sure what the fuck SCP actually is but I watched about three minutes of a video about one of them and I’m cracking the fuck up. So they show you like a fuckin slideshow of pictures of This Bitch with the voiceover like ‘it’s shy and reclusive’ and then fuckin hits you with ‘and when someone sees its face, whether on a photo or video, it comes and slaughters their ass’.
And so at first you’re like Oh Shit I’ve just seen this ugly ass grandpa lookin motherfucker like five times, and then you think no, actually, that’s stupid as shit.
You want to know why? I’m assuming that SCP (which I think is like some sort of prison for eldritch abominations) is in America, right? I live in Europe. So first of all, if this fucker has the freedom to come murder every Fool that sees his face, they’re doing a Fuckin Stellar Job of that containment shit, like give yourself a fuckin pat on the side guys, why the fuck are we funding this?
Second of all, how’s this ugly leggy motherfucker getting here? Don’t give me any teleportation shit, This Bitch had legs and was walking like a motherfucker. Is it hitchhiking? Taking a fuckin bus? Having a fun and heartwarming roadtrip romcom for all the family with his friends, Not a Weeping Angel and Mouldy Bitch, just driving cross country with a beat up van and a mixtape? Just fuckin walking here? Do you know how long that would take? Does This Bitch need to eat? Probably, right? Where’s that coming from? Taking fuckin pit stops and buying a Snickers? Does he have a fuckin lunchbag? Waved off by tearful scientists at the door? Running out here to rend my ass with a wave and a slice of toast, the Bitch?
And how’s it crossing the fuckin Atlantic? Swimming? Nice fuckin try, bitchass, you’re going to fuckin drown with those spindly fuckers. Kick kick kick drowning, fuckin sharks staring at your bitchass face. Get agitated! Drown faster! Can’t do shit, bitch!
What’s the plan then? Get a fuckin ferry? Cruise? Just go to the fuckin airport? Unlikely. They need your fuckin face for the passport, bitch. Going to kill em all too? Good, should keep you busy. All time spent not fuckin murdering me. And then That Bitch will get arrested, or shot, or sent to Area 51, because SCP did a Fucking Stellar Job of Protecting the fucker.
And what if it does get on the plane? Nine hour flight! Flight attendents! The person next to This Bitch! That fuckin grandpa face is right the fuck there! Gonna kill five people, huh? Get yourself thrown out into the fuckin Atlantic? Good job. I’m sat here, drinking my fuckin coke, sleeping soundly at night, knowing that This Bitch is probably tied up getting distracted and killing an entire village somewhere. Getting onto world news. Giving me ample warning to practice breaking spindlyass legs with a cricket bat, even allowing the infinitesimal chance that the fucker gets here in the first place. Kills everyone that sees its face? Like a fuckin Santa of pain and bitchassery? Like a fuckin Enderman, you Minecraft loser shit? Like a fuckin fuck fuck fucker? Bitch. Fuck off.
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