Pink Orange Purple Sky

What could I do with all the time I used to spend hungover?

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Do nice things for people. It feels good.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Weekend

I spent the whole weekend sulking about what I couldn't do. I feel like I wasted my time and ruined a lot of B's weekend. The part of me that studied therapy knows that I should try to find hope, be grateful for something, reframe my negative thinking by looking at the evidence- blah, blah, blah. I feel like a sad puddle and I don't have motivation to find my way back to being a functional human.

I'm sure there is some kind of physical activity I could try to do that might not hurt my many injuries....but my motivation to do anything feels like it's shrunk and is hiding somewhere deep in the back of my mind. What if I never get back to running and the gym?

These activities have become so important for me that I feel like I'm losing my identity with every class I miss, every week that goes by with no milage to show.

I'm off to eat infront of the tv.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Injured again

I thought I was slowly recovering. Pain was gone and I was slowly getting back to the gym. But my body is just falling apart.

I'm supposed to be running a 5km race this morning but I'm cheering from the sidelines instead. I feel hopeless. I feel like injury after injury is my body telling me to just sit, to just give in. I've been to physio, massage therapy, athletic doctors, I'm not getting any better.

Last night, before the race that I'm not running, I thought about drinking to cheer myself up. Maybe for a few hours the hurt in my heart, the longing for a different body, would stop. For a few hours I could relax with a drink and forget my failures.

I don't know how I controlled that urge. I was in bed early, I distracted myself I guess. I know alcohol isn't the way out of this sad, shameful, embarrassing feeling.

I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to just nonjudgmentally accept my emotions and tolerate the distress. I'm going to work on that.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

I have to try

I'm not going to be able to do this,

Because, I'll fuck it up and let people down,

And I hate letting people down so I will just quit and avoid anyone related to this,

And then I'll never be the kind of person I want to be,

And if I believe these thoughts I'll never even try,

And I have to try.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Death

Last week I found out that someone I knew when I was kid died in a fentanyl related death. When I knew this guy he was a child and I can't help but think of him that way. I guess I was a child too, but memory is strange.

Reading his obituary, about his family, about the hard life he was living, a lot of emotions came up for me. I'm sad that his life was so hard, and I'm angry at government that doesn't do more to support people to get out of shitty situations.

I don't have words for all the feelings. I haven't seen this guy in years, what right do I have to be sad? I have no stories about him, no connection, not even a lot of memories. But he came from where I came from and our lives could not be more different.

My life took a different path then most of the kids I grew up with. Someone once told me, "you are not supposed to be here. You literally defy the odds." They meant it in a positive way. They meant to compliment me. But, how would you take a compliment like that?

I'm trying to feel these hard, complex feelings. I don't want to drink them away, I can't out run them, and they are just to big too bury. I know that all feelings this intense won't hurt forever, that the feelings will pass. But wha

[pinkorangepurplesky]

100 days sober today

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Morning weigh in...or not

A few years ago I learned that the grocery store near me happens to have a blood pressure machine with a scale built in. I learned this on a random day when I was waiting for a script and decided to check my blood pressure, more out of boredom than any real concern.

I haven’t owned a personal scale in almost a decade. At that time I owned two, so I could average the numbers on both in different locations in my parent to get an accurate reading. I weighed first thing in the morning after a pee like I was supposed to. And also when I got home from work, and before bed, and every time I ate, and before and after I went to the gym...it was a problem.

This morning I had a small plan in my head to stop buy the store, pick up some groceries, and check my weight. I had been doing this a lot in the summer, but stopped sometime in December.

My curiousity about my weight is peaked because I’m not going to the gym as much, I’m not running as much, and I’ve given up the control of tracking my calories. I feel like my weight is going up, I feel like I don’t fit my clothes, I’m worried what size I might be when I go clothes shopping again.

All my morning, my mind has been playing an “if...then...” game. If my weight is x, I can be happy. If it’s y, I’ll walk another hour before breakfast. If it’s z, I will have to go back to calorie counting.

I got about a block from the store and thought about a few weeks ago when I told a dietitian that I haven’t weighed or counted a calorie all year. We were both pretty happy about this change for me. I thought about how at our next appointment , how I’d have to tell her that I had weighed. And I thought about how she might respond. I think she might ask me what I was hoping to get from knowing the number.

I couldn’t really answer that question. Knowing my weight won’t change anything for the better. It won’t make clothes fit but it will bring down my mood. It won’t heal my injuries, but it will cause me to attempt to exercise through the pain, probably hurting myself further.

And so, I arrived at the store and I bought groceries. I didn’t go anywhere near that scale. I’m a bit anxious and worried. But not as much as I would be if I had weighed myself.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Maybe it's too hard for you

I am one day away from the end of a killer two weeks. I've taken on a new project, in addition to work, and sobriety, and trying to create a healthy relationship with my self.

This project is causing tears, sleepless nights, a bit of burnout, and maybe even some anger. When I talk to friends and family I only tell them the good stuff. The new things I'm learning, the excitement I feel, the cool people I'm meeting and how good it feels to be busy. The harder stuff I've been keeping to myself.

Because I am afraid. I'm afraid the people who love me will tell me to give up, to quit, to step back. I'm afraid they will say I'm not cut out for it. I'm afraid I'll believe them, I'll quit this hard but meaningful thing, I'll judge myself harshly for even trying and I'll go back to being average.

Today I admitted my fear. I told a few key people that I have self doubt and that I need them to believe in me. I got really amazing responses.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

I wish I had the energy of that voice in my head that tells me "I can't." That chick never seems to rest.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Still here

I have been thinking a lot about giving up on sobriety. I've been telling myself it's not for me, finding reasons to have a drink, thinking about situations that haven't even happened yet and how a drink would make them better.

I kind of knew this weekend would be tough, but I got through it.

Friday night I used mindfulness and distraction. I went for coffee, I went to yoga, I went to bed early.

But Saturday I didn't get a chance to use any kind of sobriety tool before I had a reminder of why I quit drinking. I was sent a picture from a time when my drinking was a problem. This was a night when I hurt myself, I hurt others, I did dumb things, yes, I had some fun, but there are people I haven't seen since because I'm so embarrassed of how I acted.

This memory was enough to keep me sober this weekend. It was enough to make me reflect that there were other times I was shitty to people when I was drinking. It wasn't easy to think about but it was what I needed this weekend.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Stressful times

It's raining. I'm tired. I made a large part of coffee but I left my travel mug at work. I'm through the hardest part of this week. I have two normal work days and then it's the weekend.

Feels like I should celebrate and that feels like I should have a drink. Staying busy is helpful, but it makes me want to go even harder when I get my own time.

I have scheduled in a mindfulness class on Friday night and I hope that resets my goals.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

A commitment

I'm starting a tough couple of weeks. There's a lot of expectations, long hours, and emotional work. To make things more challenging, B is away for two days, so I'll be without my biggest support.

I have made a plan to keep well and I wanted to post about to commit myself to following through on it.

So here goes, I will....

Eat routinely, no room for skipping meals and bingeing in such an emotional week

Stick to a regular work schedule. Staying late and coming in early might feel like a good use of time but it's going to drain me

Schedule in mindfulness and make it a priority.

Get outside. Even for just five minutes, every day. It's warming up and my spirit is craving sunshine.

Go to bed on time.

Say no to things when I can and reschedule anything new that comes along.

Forgive myself if I can't stick to this list.

Let's get started!!

[pinkorangepurplesky]

It makes me easier to be around

I was doing a decision balance sheet on drinking. This is something I've been doing every month to check in with my motivation and remind myself why I'm staying sober.

For those who don't know it's a sheet with four sections; pros of drinking, cons of drinking, pros of not drinking, cons of not drinking.

I realized that one of the pros of drinking is that I "come out of my shell." I think I'm more fun and I actually think others feel that way too. I'm worried I'm not fun sober and I'm more worried that I have no idea how to change that.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Feeling better

I reached out.

Talked to people who love me.

Asked for help.

I'm not feeling 💯

I'm not back to the gym.

I'm not registering for a long run.

But I'm hopeful.

I have been bailing on every social commitment this week.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Losing my fucking mind

It's been three weeks since I went to the gym. I feel huge, I feel uncomfortable, I am anxious about everything and I have no attention span. I've started and stopped this post all weekend.

My ankles hurt, my wrist hurts, my knees feels like it's at the wrong angle. I just need to move my body to release all this stuff in my head, but my body hurts too much.

I sometimes get this image in my mind. It's a bit graphic, so trigger warning for weirdness. But I imagine being able to open my head take out my brain and cleanse it in bleach. Then I could put it back in and it would be clean and normal. I'd cope better with this clean brain, I'd smile more and I'd fit in.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Apparently, it's okay if not everyone likes you. I'm still trying to figure this out.

[pinkorangepurplesky]

Fitting in

Yesterday was hard. I'm having these really fun thoughts about not fitting in and people not wanting me around. I feel like I always have this underlying, foundational feeling that I'm not wanted and I look for proof of that everywhere. This is textbook confirmation bias.

It leaves me feeling emotional and ready to cry or snap at anything.

I wonder if not drinking is just another way to make myself the outsider. The one who isn't like the others and doesn't fit in. I'm having the kind of day where I just want to be alone with a book in bed. I just want to cry it out and sleep and remove myself from social obligations.

Another opportunity to use radical acceptance. I'm at work, I'm going to have to interact with the world today. I am going to go find my smile and try to make it fit today.