shane hollander, stoned off his gourd in heated rivalry ep. 05.
based on this incredible text post by @taviacoolcat

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@pirates-swoop
shane hollander, stoned off his gourd in heated rivalry ep. 05.
based on this incredible text post by @taviacoolcat
Free service with ads: Well, if I'm not paying for it they have to foot the bill somehow.
Paid service with no ads: Well, if they're not funding it with ad revenue, they need to charge us something.
Paid service with ads: Well that's bullshit.
"We used to be a paid service without ads, but now we're putting ads in it! If you want the ad-free version you have to pay more for preeeeemium": Fuck you fuck you fuck you
Free service with no ads: Okay so these guys are stealing my data
Apparently some people still need to hear this so: using an 'ai checker' is still using ai. If you are feeding someone's fic to one of these checkers, you will still not be sure their fic is ai because they are not 100% accurate, but you can be 100% sure that you are using ai. For fic. Furthermore you are doing the work of an ai scraper for them. You are, personally, feeding the machine. There is no actual excuse for using an ai checker on fanfic as a hobby. YOU are the problem.
If you think a fic is ai, mute it and move on. That's it. That's all you do.
Um. Yikes
still grinding in the waking world, so take this rendition of mymble reuniting with snufkin as an apology and a vow to return in august
*fades into the mists*
Harris do his best as always
power couple, dan and phil
David did not tell Yuna what he saw at the cottage. But, he did come home visibly upset so he had to tell her something.
"Is Shane okay?" Was Yuna's first question.
"Yes," David was quick to reassure her. "He's fine. He's great."
"David," Yuna said worriedly, hand on his bicep. "Is Shane okay?"
"He really is. I promise, sweetheart. I would tell you if he wasn't," David promised her because he would. "But I - he was - he's probably going to be headed over here soon."
"Why?" Yuna started to get more worried, despite her husband's reassurances. "David, what happened? Did you two fight?"
David did interrupt his silent retreat but Yuna couldn't imagine Shane getting into a fight with his father over that.
"No," David caught her eyes. "Do you trust me?"
"Of course."
"Then please don't ask. I saw something I shouldn't have and I - I want it to be Shane's choice if he tells us. I promise you he's safe. We didn't fight. He's - he might be upset with me, but he's okay."
Yuna searched his face for another moment before she slowly nodded.
She had an idea of what David might have seen.
She had considered that Shane's 'silent retreat' might not be the complete truth. She also recognized how upset her husband was at unintentionally learning something about their boy that he wasn't ready to share.
"Okay," Yuna pulled him in for a hug. "I'll make some tea."
"I feel so horrible."
"Shane loves you, he'll understand," Yuna said.
"I hope so," David pulled back. "I can make the tea. Shane will probably want some if he comes over."
He used to make Shane hot chocolate after nightmares, or doctor visits, or difficult practices. When he was a teenager, he started asking for tea instead.
Yuna, sensing David needed something to do, said, "use the new one my aunt sent us. It takes a little longer but I think Shane will like it."
~*~*~
"So, what did you see," Yuna asked her husband as they watched their son and his boyfriend, Ilya Rozanov, drive away.
"I wondered how long it would take for you to ask," David smiled.
"Hush you," Yuna glared. "Like you wouldn't be curious. Unless, god, did you walk in on-"
"No," David stopped her. "They were just walking up from the dock. I would have left but when I noticed it was Rozanov - or Ilya, I mean - I was just frozen there."
"Then how did you know they were, you know, together?"
"Well they kissed on the porch," David winced. "And Ilya..."
"Ilya what?"
"He, uh, had his hand on Shane's…bottom."
Yuna and David stared at each other for a few seconds before Yuna couldn't take it anymore, smile spreading across her face and burst out laughing, hand gripping her husband’s shirt to hold herself up.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Yuna laughed out.
"Yuna!" David admonished but he was laughing too. He reached out to steady her. "It's not funny!"
"When you put it that - that way!" Yuna tried to gather herself. "Ilya Rozanov. Ilya Rozanov. I can't believe it."
"He's a sweet kid," David was still smiling, thinking about Ilya standing awkwardly by his son, happily eating pasta, saying he'd leave the team that drafted him for their Shane.
Yuna softened. "He really is. He looks so much younger in person."
"Well," David wrapped an arm around her waist. "I think he might be ours now."
sleeve tattoo
Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.
@persimmony-snicket EXACTLYYYY
I know we joke about it all the time but hotel room walls are...GENUINELY very thin. The bit in the HR novel where Shane and Ilya fuck in the shower so that the water drowns out the sounds actually rang as extremely accurate to me. Like, the lack of boundaries that must exist not just for the Centaurs but for ANYBODY who spends a significant amount of time sharing hotel room walls with their teammates is just unbelievable.
Like, on any given roadie the people sharing walls with the Hollanovs can expect to overhear:
- One side of phone calls between Shane and his mother where every third word is FUCK and Shane's voice gets higher the more he works himself up about whatever league drama is pissing him off that week
- Ilya yelling in Russian (Non sex reasons) (He and Svetlana are talking about Matheson in Colorado. Again.)
- Ilya gets hay fever real bad in Seattle and spends an entire night sneezing at EAR SPLITTING volume, each sneeze followed by a, "AHH!" from Shane as he is startled awake. Again.
- The Christmas wish lists of every Pike child and how they're going to be divvy'd up for the year. This conversation takes place in September.
- "I'm telling you, the penalty kill could be a work of fucking art if Haas--oh fuck, right there, don't stop--"
- As stated before, an objectively obnoxious amount of showering is happening. At one point LaPointe turns to Bood and says something to the effect of, "Crazy that Hollander takes TWO showers after every game, I guess he really is superstitious," and Bood just. Chooses not to engage.
- A thunderous and almighty BANG. This is the sound of Ilya's suitcase hitting the floor after it inevitably slides off the bed.
- "Shaaaaane, look at the livestream from the dog hotel--look at how cute! She is so sleepy, she's holding her banana like a baaaaby--"
- Vin Diesel's voice, unimaginably loud, at one AM
- Russian Yelling (Non sex reasons) (Sasha did something stupid)
- "Unh unh unh UNH UNH UNH--" (Squeak. Squeak.)
- Celtics game. Twenty minutes beforehand: "Fuck, Shane, how do I get ESPN on the stupid--Roku stick thing--"
- "Okay, look, your dad played the word veer--is not real word, right? Like, deer with a V? It's real? Shane, we can't let your dad win--no, it's not cheating, he gets Yuna's help--"
- Stuff about Rose Landry's upcoming film that they should probably all sign NDAs for even thinking about.
- Russian Yelling (Sex reasons. Probably. It sounds...ardent.)
- One time, for an entire night, silence. The day immediately preceeding this night and the morning immediately after are best left unspoken about.
- The sound of Shane's fuckass electric toothbrush for WAY too long. Seriously man it cannot be healthy to brush your teeth for that lo--oh. Got it. Okay. Where are my earbuds.
- "I mean, it's not like I'm sixteen anymore, right? It's just that sometimes I think she looks at me and sees a fucking kid still, and I get it, I get it--and fuck, babe, I know it's not fair to feel this way, she's the only mom I'll ever have, and you don't even--ugh--"
- "I'm so terribly sorry the hotel misplaced your bags, Mister Rozanov. If there's any way that we can...make it up to you..." [Giggle. Kissing sound. Kissing sound. Moan.]
- Banging on the wall and, "KEEP IT DOWN, ROOK," the one. Singular. Time. That Holmberg manages to pull on their West Coast roadie. Which may or may not be the beginning of his villain origin story.
shoutout to my boy shane he is riddled with anxiety, he drinks gross smoothies, his special interests are hockey and sex and they surprisingly overlap quite a lot, he has too many pillows, he has never been calm about anything in his life, he will kill himself if he doesn’t get first place, the worst thing that could ever happen to him is going to a club
something something shane nagging ilya about eating healthy and quitting smoking and ilya just needs a fucking nicotine hit and (softly) snaps ‘why do you care so much? i’ll just do it outside and shower after’ and shane looks him dead in the eye and says ‘im not letting you chip years off your life when we’ve already wasted 9’ and ilyas just like yeah oh fuck he wants me for as long as he can get me and quits smoking and starts doing yoga even when it feels like his legs are going to fall out from under him because he doesn’t want his last thoughts to be regret for time lost
Things that turn Ilya Rozanov on
- being cared for in a classic way. It’s something he thought he wouldn’t ever have and now he does and he’s horny for it.
- Shane standing up for himself…
- Shane taking really good care of Anya. Ilya wants to get him pregnant so bad HE starts ovulating
- Shane wearing an old man outfit. Button up pajamas, reading glasses, slippers, etc. if Shane came downstairs with a night cap and a candle Ilya would pass out. Mr. Scrooge style.
- the playoffs (he is just like his husband)
- their wedding rings. He starts jerking off with his non-dominant hand so he can feel it (left handed Ilya Rozanov truthers please rise)
- Shane being His Boyfriend ™️
- one time Shane ordered for him at a restaurant and Ilya got so hard they had to leave.
- weed. He can’t smoke weed in public anymore because he gets too horny.
- Shane in a priest outfit. It’s his Halloween costume one year at a tram party because he lost a bet with Wyatt. Ilya almost blacks out when he sees it and spends the entire night proposing different role play scenarios. Ok what if I’m a dirty sinner and you are a stuck up virgin? What if I call you Father Hollander? What if I sin and you make me pay for it? What if you’re a high ranking priest and I’m trying to show you how fun worldly things are by bending you ov —
really specific trope i like that i feel like can only be explained in a diagram