Unlearning How White People Ask Personal Questions
http://www.samefacts.com/2014/05/culture-and-civil-society/unlearning-how-white-people-ask-personal-questions/
Holy shit. I have ALWAYS thought the people around me were being unconscionably intrusive and power-playing in their starter conversations and they told me I was antisocial and oblivious to culture norms. Turns out, maybe Iâm just from a different culture.
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by Keith Humphreys - May 5, 2014 Â Â Â Â Â Â
When I met my fianceâs African-American stepfather, things did not start well. Stumbling for some way to start a conversation with a man whose life was unlike mine in almost every respect, I asked âSo, what do you do for a living?â.
He looked down at his shoes and said quietly âWell, Iâm unemployedâ.
At the time I cringed inwardly and recognized that I had committed a terrible social gaffe which seemed to scream âHey prospective in-law, since I am probably going to be a member of your family real soon, I thought I would let you know up front that I am a completely insensitive jackassâ. But I felt even worse years later when I came to appreciate the racial dimension of how I had humiliated my stepfather-in-law to be.
For that painful but necessary bit of knowledge I owe a white friend who throughout her childhood attended Chicago schools in a majority Black district. She passed along a marvelous book that helped her make sense of her own inter-racial experiences. It was Kochmanâs Black and White Styles in Conflict, and it had a lasting effect on me. One of the many things I learned from this anthropological treasure trove of a book is how race affects the personal questions we feel entitled to ask and the answers we receive in response.
My question to my stepfather was at the level of content a simple conversation starter (albeit a completely failed one). But at the level of process, it was an expression of power. Kochmanâs book sensitized me to middle class whitesâ tendency to ask personal questions without first considering whether they have a right to know the personal details of someone elseâs life. When we ask someone what they do for a living for example, we are also asking for at least partial information on their income, their status in the class hierarchy and their perceived importance in the world. Unbidden, that question can be quite an invasion. The presumption that one is entitled to such information is rarely made explicit, but that doesnât prevent it from forcing other people to make a painful choice: Disclose something they want to keep secret or flatly refuse to answer (which oddly enough usually makes them, rather than the questioner, look rude).
Kochmanâs book taught me a new word, which describes an indirect conversational technique he studied in urban Black communities: âsignifyingâ. He gives the example (as I recall it, 25 years on) of a marriage-minded black woman who is dating a man who pays for everything on their very nice dates. She wonders if he has a good job. But instead of grilling him with âSo what do you do for a living?â, she signifies âWhatever oil well you own, I hope it keeps pumping!â.
Her signifying in this way is a sensitive, respectful method to raise the issue she wants to know about because unlike my entitled direct question it keeps the control under the person whose personal information is of interest. Her comment could be reasonably responded to by her date as a funny joke, a bit of flirtation, or a wish for good luck. But of course it also shows that if the man freely chooses to reveal something like âThings look good for me financially: Iâm a certified public accountant at a big, stable firmâ, he can do so and know she will be interested.
Since reading Kochmanâs book, I have never again directly asked anyone what they do for a living. Instead my line is âSo how do you spend your time?â. Some people (particularly middle class white people) choose to answer that question in the bog standard way by describing their job. But other people choose to tell me about the compelling novel they are reading, what they enjoy about being a parent, the medical treatment they are getting for their bad back, whatever. Any of those answers flow just as smoothly from the signification in a way they wouldnât from a direct question about their vocation.
From the perspective of ameliorating all the racial pain in the world, this change in my behavior is a grain of sand in the Sahara. But I pass this experience along nonetheless, for two reasons. First, very generally, if any of us human beings can easily engage in small kindnesses, we should. Second, specific to race, if those of us who have more power can learn to refrain from using it to harm people in any way â major or minor â we should do that too.
This is really useful stuff â as someone whoâs on disability and knows a ton of people in the same boat, âWhat do you do for a living?â can be such a loaded question. âHow do you spend your time?â is a much more compassionate thing to ask, because you can just enthuse about what youâre writing or how great your cats are or whatever.
I cringe whenever someone around me asks what people do for a living or for work when they first meet them because I know itâs about status, power, and money and it feels so intrusive and impersonal.
I started asking, Â âSo what do you with your days?â Â or âWhat do you like to do when youâre not (doing whatever it is weâre doing at this point in time)?â
And if someone replies, Â âOh...Iâm unemployed,â Â I reply in a lighthearted accepting tone something along the lines of, Â âThen Iâm glad you have the time to rest and relax, since thatâs important, too.â
The one that gets me is how often I get,  âOh, I just stay home and watch the kids,â or âIâm a housewife / housespouse,â but itâs said in a tone of self-dismissal.  And I always immediately shoot back bright and cheerfully something similar to,  âThatâs such an important job!  Itâs highly undervalued by some, but I know youâre doing wonderful things for your family / household with that kind of work.â  Or  âI wish people understood how thatâs not actually a walk in the park like they assume it is.  Your efforts are vital, and shouldnât be dismissed.â
And if they or people in chatting range question me about how I could possibly think housekeeping is a tough job, Iâll give them a flat look and say, Â âIâve done professional level housekeeping work, and it is very tough and demanding. Â Most people have no idea how much work a housespouse puts into their family, because what youâd have to pay a professional to do all of that, most people couldnât cover in three times their fancy salaries--unless youâre doing it all yourself, donât knock a job youâve never respected and never done full time.â
Because housekeeping and child-rearing ARE DIFFICULT JOBS. Â They are, in fact, diametrically opposed at times.
A good parent will prioritize playtime and the nurturing of their child over keeping a spotless house, particularly in the presence of a toddler on the premises.
I always respect a person doing a job I know I myself couldnât handle...and that includes respecting someone else doing a job I know I could handle, too.
