i think a lot of trans girls develop a complex around usefulness. before we know in words that we are trans girls, while everyone around us can still deny it to us, the deal is already struck: you do not get to be known and seen as a girl, but in exchange you may be useful. you are allowed to excel, whether it is academically, or artistically, or athletically.
when we eventually come to know and see ourselves as girls (because this truth cannot be hidden forever), the deal begins to break. so long as we deny ourselves, we can continue to excel, but our breakdown is already underway. for now, we can continue to make beloved art, to be clever, to be quick. but soon enough, it seeps through the cracks in our skulls.
when everyone else sees not just that we are girls (in truth, they have seen this all along) but that we know we are girls, our permission to excellence is revoked. our usefulness is expended and the deal is forfeit. in general, we cannot be great artists or scientists or athletes so long as we understand ourselves as girls. our art is great, but we are problematic. our science is cutting edge, but we are unprofessional. our strength and our speed are against the rules.
we are so very useful to society, as long as we exist in the way that grinds away at our spirit and stifles our heart. it is not as if our ability suddenly disappears when we learn our worth, we still have just as much power to understand and illuminate this world, but to human society we are no longer acceptable, no longer safe. we have always been good tools, but in our own hands now we are weapons, which must be blunted.
i think this is why things like mechsploitation and umamusume appeal so much: what if you were still useful, what if it was acknowledged that you were different in a way that made you better able to do the things you excel at, but most of all, what if you were able to do these things with the support of society, instead of its opposition?
