Thoughts of Dread

What is the point of existence if you find no importance in your life -PN

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"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." — Mary Anne Radmacher

I haven’t posted in a long time, too long I think. A lot has happened, a lot is different now. I moved in with my dad, I’ve been living out of a Tupperware bin. It’s good being away from my mother, but I don’t think it’s going to last forever.

We talked to a social worker and she said my mom is fine, I don’t see how she could be fine unless fine means constantly subjecting your children to psychological abuse. Maybe they have different definitions. Maybe I was wrong to fight back.

For a while I was so scared, I feel better now knowing I have a place with my dad. It’s been nearly three weeks, I’m finally settling down.

Maybe when it’s all over I’ll laugh about it.-PN

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Been a while. I got a Blahaj, aside from the cuddles the best part is that he makes good support for sleeping when my chronic pain is bad.

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Solution, stand in the doorway with one foot in and one foot out.

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"Life is short, but it is wide. This too shall pass." — Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

I’ve been in the ER for a few hours now, I got my X-rays and am waiting for results, my arm hurts like hell and I’m starving. But I’ll be fine, I get to have free healthcare.

Theirs a girl somewhere in the ER who has been crying for the last half an hour. I can hear her and it’s so awful because all I want is to help this little girl.-PN

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"Now it's the little moments that stop me in my tracks, because that's what life is all about." — Joanna Gaines

As the earth comes around again it reaches that dreadful time of year. When love dies and hearts cry and eyes fill with tears. The demon well it fooled me once, stole love and health and choice. And after I had been drained dry with nothing left to give I was right daft and full of pain for that demon struck again. It took my peace and sanity and all my favourite things. It fooled me twice that demon did but I swore not again. I was right daft and fooled again this demon rules my fears, it took my fight and pride and trust it turned my hope to ash. The demons tricks destroyed my faith but now this demon fooled me thrice. I swear I won’t be fooled again.-PN

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"The older you get, the more fragile you understand life to be. I think that's good motivation for getting out of bed joyfully each day." — Julia Roberts

Living with depression is hard, sometimes all you can do is lay in bed, others you feel like you can do anything but. You can wake up and have the greatest day ever and then wake up the next morning and feel like shit. You can have nice happy months where your worst day is one where you just can’t and then all of the sudden you are falling again. Down and down and down, with no end in sight. This blog is my sanctuary, it’s my safety net to stop me from falling. I’ve spent months climbing up the brick wall of the well of depression, only to realize I’m barely moving. The only thing I can do right now is to say that tomorrow will be better-PN

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“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives." — Jackie Robinson

Sometimes we just need to cry and that’s okay. Sometimes we need to scream and shout and throw things. Sometimes we need to sing and dance and jump up and down, sometimes we need to run and climb and fight. We do what we need to feel secure. What we do and how we do it affects how we heal, when we release our tensions instead of holding them we heal so much better.-PN

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"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." — Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go

Happy new year, 2024. It’s crazy to think we’ve actually made it this far. Last year was a total and absolute shit show so I am determined that this year will be about healing, and growth. Here’s to no emergency room visits, stumbling into unwanted relationships, self hatred or dangerous thoughts. I’m hoping this year I can explore more artistically as i now have studio space to do so, and figure out who I am. I’m looking forward to another year on this crazy planet. Let’s try to make it a good one.-PN

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"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." — William Faulkner

Today I am not better than myself, I am not better than anyone. It’s the last day of school before the break and I had one job. I had to get to school and take a socials test. I didn’t make it to school. And I cannot do the test at home. I have failed my one job and disappointed my parents. I disappointed me. All I had to do was be responsible, and all I managed was to screw everything up. It feels pretty shitty.-PN

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"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." — Mark Twain

We are but lonely children, we have no home and not one bed to call our own. Our parents they hate, we are separated from our brothers and sisters. Forced to make an impossible choice, to pick a side. We have no family, all we had was split in two. Our sanctuaries destroyed. Christmas, birthdays, holidays, everything twice, yet somehow with less love. We have nothing and no one. We are lonely children, our tears fill the nights and are nightmares are comforted by no one.-PN

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“Happy snails are the largest ones. That’s why they are so big they gotta keep all that happiness somewhere”-@Chl03b3ar16

Chl03b3ar16

Follow @chl03b3ar16 and get more of the good stuff by joining Tumblr today. Dive in!

Tee hee I love this and I absolutely agree!

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"Life has no limitations, except the ones you make." — Les Brown

My glasses have a screw loose, good lord I don’t know how I possibly managed before I got them. I have them fixed now thank god.-PN

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"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." — Zig Ziglar

There’s a pull in my chest in my mind and my heart and soul. I just want to do things, make things, change things. I want to paint the world, draw on walls and colour the sky. I want to make a difference, to change the world with beauty and art. I want to undo damage brought when people break, I want to heal the pain of negativity and change all with positivity art and creativity. I want expression and emotions and understanding. If we all could just feel, and understand and see. If everyone could get a glimpse of the lights, colours, sounds, textures, tastes if everyone could experience all that I constantly do even for a second, how much more empathy could the world have. What more could we do if we just worked together and tried? Why don’t we? I just want to make a mess, make a mess through the process of creating something gorgeous. Because the mess is the best part.-PN

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"Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start." — Nido Qubein

Today I had a weird feeling. I couldn’t get to school today. My mom drove me there, but the closer we got to the school the stronger this feeling of sinking dread became. It took half an hour to get me out of the car I just felt so panicked, my mother came in with me and we made it as far as the school office. In the end my panic attack was so big I ended up going home. I felt like I failed. Although I think the weirdest thing was that it felt like some invisible force was pushing me away, like something really didn’t want me at school. When I got home I slept for two hours, which in the daytime I almost never do especially when I have taken my adhd meds. It’s like whatever kept me away from the school then really wanted me to be home. I wanted to be at school today, I really didn’t want to miss any classes. It was like I just couldn’t get there.-PN

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"Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome." — Fannie Flagg, The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion

Today I live in a world of silence, my eyes are my ears and my hands are my voice.

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"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." — Margaret Thatcher

My dearest red, you are the roses that grow in my backyard and the dye in my hair your bright and bold and powerful. My orange my favourite colour, my favourite fruit, leaves as they fall from trees and the carrots of snowman’s noses. Yellow, your the sun, your my favourite tie, and a piece of lemon cake. Green your the grass, the trees, the algae in my favourite pond. Blue like the sky the blanket on my couch and ocean deep. Purple as the lavender outside my window, the lilacs and foxglove. You are every colour every shade, the rainbow and the best part of my life. Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Purple, every colour you are, I love you.-PN