I used to be okay

If you need to ask, you'll never know, but if you know, you need only to ask.

[potentiallynothing]

Just took 30 Benadryl and some Vicodin after lots of alcohol and slitting my wrists and throat . Good night :)

[potentiallynothing]

I don’t know

How are you?

Thinks: Well, last night I took an entire bottle of aspirin, knowing full well it would not kill me but also hoping that it might and I honestly can’t determine why I chose to do that. I think next Saturday I will do the same but combine it with handfuls of other types of drugs as well, and likely some alcohol. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair very soon.

Says: Ugh you know, tired, but nothing out of the ordinary. It’s that time of the semester, I guess. How are you?

[potentiallynothing]

lololol I spent all 50 minutes of one of my classes picturing myself lying on a bathroom floor bleeding out from my carotid lololol It's okay though cause I've been taking handfuls of aspirin every day for a week now so that when I slit my throat I bleed out quicker? lol

[potentiallynothing]

8 months clean down the drain

[potentiallynothing]

I either want to slit my throat or stop eating until I die of starvation so that when I'm dead I'll look small in death and i'll appear as small as I feel.

[potentiallynothing]

What

Like lol why do I keep applying to jobs when I am planning on ending my life within a month

[potentiallynothing]

I'm not going through something. I've always been like this. I'll always be like this. I can't do it much longer. Always is a relative term I guess.

[potentiallynothing]

With each breath I feel the exchange less

Sensing that I won’t be here much more

Lately I seem like a mess

Each moment is too much a chore

I know I’m getting so close

While pushing others so far

Nothing left to diagnose

Wouldn’t mind being hit by a car

[potentiallynothing]

Not funny but

Breaking out in laughter thinking about how good of an actor you actually are and yet you're still afraid of taking a theater class. You're such a good actor that sometimes you can even convince yourself you're not going to end your own life someday. That only lasts a moment though.

[potentiallynothing]

I may be dead in the morning and I just hope everyone else can stay strong enough to make it through unlike me.

[potentiallynothing]

Inpatient Psychiatry

That feeling when you're walking to work knowing you should be going there in a different capacity.

[potentiallynothing]

People: "how was your weekend?" Me: *drank to forget who I was, called the suicide hotline, cried, wandered alone in the cold* "oh you know not too bad, always nice to have a break"

[potentiallynothing]

Threads

I'll be shocked if I last another month.

[potentiallynothing]

Often I find myself missing others

those who are far away.

Sometimes I miss people 

even when they’re physically close.

Too frequently though I find that I am 

missing from myself.

[potentiallynothing]

fatfatfatfatfatfat

[potentiallynothing]

person: you are absolute trash

me:

person: no i mean it. you are the worst thing to exist.

me: *gently puts my hands on their shoulders, stares directly into their eyes with no blinking.* I agree, friend.

[potentiallynothing]

Academia stress?

Am I stressed about finals?

No.

Then why do you seem so much more stressed/generally worse than usual?

Because for the month in between the semesters, I will no longer have the guise of college to put my stress under. 

For the four long weeks I will remain stressed, but I can’t pretend it’s about a paper or an exam. I will continue to be stressed about life, about death, feeling a constant worry about my friends and the planet and every overwhelming thing that people shouldn’t be thinking about all the time. And yet I will do just that. 

For two fortnights, I will be upset about the 22,000 people that die every day due to poverty related factors, I will be tearful over Aleppo, I will cry over disease and my inadequacy to be of any assistance. Our planet is dying and I am useless. People are dying but I can’t help. I will continue to exist, driven only by guilt of what a shitty waste of space I am. Bearing all these things in mind I will fall apart, alone while everyone else is with their families. Thinking of how alone I am will then involve more guilt of how I should not be thinking about my self in a time when so many have it so much worse.

For 31 dragging days, I will be left alone with my thoughts. My mental illness. My personal agony. I will have no distractions of assignments. I won’t have the presence of people to shame me into being productive. When I am not at work I will likely by in my pajamas staring at this god damn screen. Eating, probably vomiting and being a lazy sack of shit. I will come out of this break feeling worse and honestly I don’t know that I’ll be able to stand it.