my life, in a nutshell. for those who care
Sorry for those who have followed me for a time that I have been entirely inactive. I graduated from grad school in 2014, got a job, and lost most of the time I had for blogging. I started dating this amazing man last year, who I’ve known since high school, and “lost” even more of the little time I had to blog. And I lost the anger and frustration that led me to creating this blog in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still an outspoken feminist, but the college angst (and time to be angsty) disappeared.
Unfortunately, my reason for returning is not a positive one. In fact, it’s a result of the worst thing that’s happened to me in my life. And I need an outlet. I need a place to post my feelings and emotions and reactions. I’m not looking for sympathy. I may post daily, weekly, or this could be my only post for another year. I don’t know. I just know that right now, in this moment, I need an outlet. I may post additional things similar to my previous blogging style, but again, I just don’t know. Please feel free to unfollow me if this is not what you signed up for. My feelings will not be not hurt. This is more for me anyhow, so I’m all about the “you do you” mantra.
My world came to a crashing halt earlier this year when my best friend of 13 years, Amy, died by suicide on January 28th, 2016. I cannot begin to describe the extent of this loss, either my own or the many others who loved her dearly. Many of us knew she suffered from depression, which was worsen by Lyme’s disease, but none of us imagined this reality. My heart is broken in ways I cannot explain, and trying to wrap my head around this tragedy has proven impossible.
To make matters worse, I feel isolated from her family and friends by distance. I grew up with Amy, and moved away from our home town 10 years ago. We stayed close by visiting each other and through regular Skyping/calling/texting/Snapchatting. Many of my favorite memories with her are from times after I moved. We went to Yellowstone together, celebrated 4th of July and New Year’s together over several years, and explored Denver together whenever she visited. When I found out, I booked a flight to go to her funeral, but February in Denver had other plans. My flight was canceled due to a predicted snow storm. To say I was devastated is a gross understatement. My heart shattered into pieces all over again. Three months later, I was finally able to visit her family and many of our friends. We had a celebration of her life and shared our memories of her with each other. It was bittersweet, reliving these precious moments, but it felt healing. It allowed me to reach out and feel connected me to others close to her, friends and family. When I got back to Denver, her mom texted me, thanking me for loving Amy. I didn’t know how to respond, since loving her was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve grown to hate the term “closure”, as I feel I will never find peace, or “closure”, with this. It will be a scar I carry with me the rest of my life. I know, or hope, that eventually I will be okay, but Amy’s suffering and ultimate decision to end her life will never be okay. The fact that she was in so much pain and felt so alone in her pain will never be okay.
Her birthday was this week. I know that is a motivator for finally writing about this. I have cried almost every day for the past 4 months, but her birthday was a whole new burden. We always celebrated birthdays together, even if just through a simple phone call. I’ve been seeing a therapist and a support group, and they all say writing helps. I may write to her, to my followers, to myself, to someone else, I just don’t know. I just hope it helps.
