Vikings 5x12 (Murder Most Foul)
So sorry this is going up late, I usually try to get these finished the night the episode airs but—confession—I kinda accidentally watched several episodes of Riverdale last night. ANYWAY.
See that look? That’s the Bjorn Ironside Panty Dropper look right there. How about y’all? Serious question. Would it work on you?
It’s worked on about 154 women on this show alone.
Vikings on the Run - I’m pretty sure they just recycled a few script pages from 4A when Rollo had thrown his ex Viking pals in the dungeon, but swapped out Floki’s lines and gave them to Bjorn, and Lagertha was the cool and collected one this time. I mean, we’ve been here before. Same with them being released and a big YEAH NEVERMIND you’re not prisoners anymore, sorry about that, haha.
So then Ubbe and Torvi run around play-fighting each other and acting cute while Saxons look on in disdain … and Bjorn looks around at everyone in disdain, but like, at an angle, so you know he’s truly disgusted with each and every single last person in England.
At first I thought he was just bending due to tallness, but no, that’s just how he is all the time now.
And boy does Alfred’s new intended, the lady Aelswith, love that particular angle.
The Saga of King Ivar - So it turns out Freydis isn’t actually magic with making Ivar’s dick work, she’s just a player. The fact that he’s believing everything she’s saying makes him look seriously weaksauce. He brings her out before the great hall and announces that she’ll be his wife/queen. Maybe he’ll even sit her on a chair that he pissed in and everything … but I noticed that the guy who actually GOT her a chair to sit in next to Ivar’s throne is the same guy she awkwardly bounces on top of in a barn later. Turns out “Ivar the God” isn’t the one who knocked her up in some blood magic/immaculate conception ritual … she’s actually probably just been banging this other dude for awhile now.
And Ivar believes this shit even though he scoffed at Heahmund’s tale of the Virgin Mary last season (or first half of the season, whatever). I suppose magic babies only appear in the religion you happen to believe in. Or when beautiful women insist you are a god.
King Ivar. A dumbass around “magic” pussy. Like father like son.
I actually think it’s Freydis they should’ve assassinated and not Margrethe. Margrethe was obviously suffering, and she didn’t deserve to die like that. But her delusions were never really taken seriously, while Freydis’ are being served to and lapped up by the King.
And wait wait, back up. It happens very quick, but Margrethe admits that she’s gone mad because she can’t have children with anyone … and I’m just like … ugh. Like being queen will fill the hole inside of her that not being able to have children left. She says this to Hvtiserk, he doesn’t listen … says some typical fuckboy bullshit like “nah, you’re just tired” … and then BAM, assassins. Knives thrown at her while she begs for her life and her throat slit.
So gross. And a MURDER MOST FOUL ASSHOLES.
Spanglo-Saxons - I found myself noticing that the young Alfred likes his wine, and hell I don’t blame him. He’s got some things to worry about, like his impending marriage and the fact that the church wants to kill him, and his brother probably wouldn’t be that sad about it.
But seriously, this kid is making me think that he might not live too terribly in the shadow of The Last Kingdom Alfred. He’s not bad. Which means on this show he’s phenomenal.
The one thing I respect about Alfred at this point is that he’s always real with people, straightforward, doesn’t lie, and stands his ground even with tall scary Vikings in his face. I feel like this kid could perhaps actually become Alfred the Great. He’s also got Heahmund on his side, who just WENT TO TOWN on that weasel who took over his bishopdom. Alfred’s got his own superhero, y’all, complete with Batman Voice.
I also thought it was cute when Heahmund, I mean, HEEIICKmund, straight up told Lagertha that the new bishop of Sherborne wants the King dead. He trusts her, you guys.
But it might not be appreciated that he killed a bishop in a church. Just sayin’. I mean, I’ve watched The Last Kingdom and they were ready to execute Uhtred over accidentally bitchslapping a guy to death in a church. But this is History’s Vikings, so who knows.
Meanwhile in Floki-land - I still give absolutely no shits about this storyline. Does anyone? Why cram this in with everything else they’re doing? I barely paid attention to it. Something about a man asking why the gods have forsaken him. How many times must we go through manpain such as this? Either find your spiritual enlightenment or not, we’ve had multiple seasons and half-seasons of it already. We’re done here.
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