Untitled
I'm already so afraid. I'm afraid of losing her. I'm afraid of all the things that could go wrong in our pursuit of happiness. I'm afraid I won't be enough for her. I'm afraid she'll get over me in a month, a year. Ugh. I'm so fucking terrified of how much I need her. I am so fucking frightened of how much I already love her. The circumstances of this love are OUTRAGEOUS. At a school that shamed me profusely for my blossoming queerness and ostracized me for my unique expression of identify and delayed and stifled acceptance of who I am, I have found the person I have been waiting for my entire life. What is life trying to teach me? I am not equipped for this. I don't know how to navigate the dangerous terrains of this falling with wisdom. I feel like I can't trust myself. I feel like a first timer, deer caught in the headlights, overwhelmed and out of my depth. I survived my first heart break and walked away from it a changed person. Loving someone changes you, every time. Losing someone takes something away from you every time. I feel so unsure about everything. I don't know what the future holds or how next year or even tomorrow is going to work. I feel like I'm expected to have all of the answers because I am older. I don't. And I need for someone to let me know that is okay to not always have the answers. It's okay to fuck up and get back up and figure out a different route on which to proceed. My mind has taught me that love like this, when it happens to me is always a case of mistaken identity. I can't possibly be the recipient of such a grand and profound love. She must have me fucked up with someone else. No one has ever loved me this beautifully. I have never felt so at home with anyone else. She feels like the answer to all of my deepest desires for love. Everything I have said I want in a life partner, everything I have been too afraid to admit even to myself that I want. The universe has given me a gift I feel immensely unworthy of. Help me, Minah. Ugh fuck. I don't trust myself and my foundation. I feel immensely broken and unstable. I feel too broken to be loved. Inasmuch as we sometimes rescue the ones we love, we too need a little saving. I need mending. I need to be loved back into myself. Loved back into my truth, my innate knowing that I am worthy. That I am capable of loving as deeply as I do now, that I am capable of sustaining and nurturing a love like this with ancestor granted wisdom and the calm guidance of my gut. I can do this. I can love this big and not fail. I can love this big and not come out of it alone, left to self-mend and self-heal again. I wanna let go of the fear first and let love...let this love lead the way.
