| >21 | any pronouns | ace | uk | contents vary, but: no nsfw, occasional blood/body horror, an awful lot of cool insects and other arthropods. i draw also! only fanart goes on this blog, but everything is consolidated on my art-only blog @proximart.
im prox! pronouns: whatever's your favouriteđmainly i get paid to be out standing in a field. my marketable skills include various art, wildlife photography, an inexplicable love of spreadsheets, and catching lizards.
current commission status: could be persuaded
you can find me:
on Tumblr! @proximally is the everything blog, @proximart is my art only, @proximadraconi for Flight Rising, @purroxima for Pixel Cats End, and @ectonaut for my very dusty collection of art tips/tutorials. i follow from @also-proximally, which is itself empty, because a decade ago i was tupid and now it's too lateđ
on Bluesky as improxible - brand new, currently empty, likely to be my art only unless tumblr explodes.
on Redbubble as callp - im very lazy about this, so if what you want isn't there, just let me know and I'll put it up asap! (unless it's a commission)
on Ko-fi as improxible - i am nowhere near consistent enough for patreon lmao
on Twitch at improxible - i've done some draw streams in the past, perchance i will again
on Flight Rising as Proxima (#61019)
on Pixel Cats End as proxima (#16506)
+ quick guide to using my art for icons/banners (noncommercial only):
commission: ask the commissioner
fanart: yes, with credit
other/unsure: just ask!
I had one fort in Dwarf Fortress where all the engraved tableaus in the main dining hall depicted the death of this one particular dwarf child at the hands of an ape just over and over and over and over again interspersed between engravings of cheese. They were all high quality too so they made everyone who looked at them very happy.
one of my dwarves successfully killed a bronze colossus, so i asked another dwarf to make a bronze statue of him, hoping the subject matter would relate to the killing of that bronze colossus, but um
instead, the sculptor made a statue of the colossus slayer's wife leaving him
one story I keep thinking about but will never write is a portal fantasy where the protagonist has to get back to earth before her prescription runs out
of course, needing to get back to earth for such a specific and adult reason isn't really a part of the genre identity and so it would go one of two ways
As a comedy: Protag is already aware that this happens sometimes. Magic leaking into our world is a well established problem on the scale of a sewage leak. The tiny talking fairy she meets when she falls into not-narnia tells her that she's the prophesized hero destined to defeat the dark lord and she's like lol no
More seriously: This version of the story would not be from our chronically ill protags perspective. Instead it would be from that of an honourable fantasy knight who has to choose between helping this odd woman get home within a month or completing their own important prophesied quest
#importantly in neither version of this story does she get to access healing magic in fantasy land that fixes her #being chronically ill requires forward planning and I'd want to contrast between wanting a glorious life #and being scared that your health can't handle it #Or knowing that the admin side of things makes a quest impossible (@roundedloaf)
Because I am a mentally normal human being with no unusual neuroses I find that when I am feeling especially frustrated, doing math to prove the validity of my annoyance is an excellent way of processing and expressing my feelings.
For example: I was recently trapped in long-distance transportation with a man who apparently didn't bring any tissues with him and proceeded to sniffle on a predictable cycle of one wet sniff every 15 to 25 seconds for approximately three hours. To prove that this is ridiculous and I am not overreacting by being annoyed, that is about 1 sniff for every 20 seconds, or an estimated 540 sniffs. 3 sniffs a minute. That's ridiculous.
I don't normally consider myself a petty person. I don't normally do anything with this information. It's just for me: a way of asking myself, "am I having an episode of some kind right now, or is this actually bullshit?".
Once, however, while on stationary guard with another security worker I did in fact contribute to his firing by running the calculations in a fit of internal frustration and concluding that- in addition to routinely arriving 45 minutes late to relieve me for my only lunch and toilet break- he was also absent from our assigned area of operation for a legitimate and easily-proven 78.9% of our shift.
(It was a low-traffic location. I had a lot of time. I made a pie chart.)
Anyhow, this is all to say that my personal productivity is something I take great pride in, and my brain is normal.
And- after running the numbers- it appears that while my productivity has increased 54% in the past year, compensation for this labor has increased an effective 1.5% adjusted to inflation.
I'm being dragged in the group chat bc I accidentally wore two different pairs of shoes to the theater. I wasn't even in a hurry, I have no fucking excuse for not noticing this
niche nitpick I know but a "moot point" is not something that isn't worth talking about. it is literally the opposite. "moot" is a word for a citizens' assembly that has cognates throughout the Germanic (especially Scandinavian) languages. originally saying something was a "moot point" meant that it shouldn't be talked about right now, instead it should be tabled until it could be fully debated with the entire community present. the slide from that meaning to "this isn't important" probably has something to do with the emergence of the idea that politics isn't real life. anyway when someone says something is a moot point you should be like "cool, I'll call the lawspeaker and ask them to put it on the agenda"
Sure, you've got a point OP but the de facto usage still means "no point talking about this" and people aren't just going to change so it's... it's kind of a ....
So I canât brush my teeth. Like, itâs the worst kind of hell. I went to the dentist for a cleaning today and I told the hygienist this, and she was wonderfully helpful.
There are some incredibly soft toothbrushes available- namely, post-surgical brushes. Running them under hot water makes them even softer.
She told me that you donât really need to use toothpaste- itâs mostly marketing. The foam gets to me, so that is really reassuring.
She gave me two particularly soft brushes and some xylitol gum. Trident is a market brand of xylitol gum, which helps with your teeth and can make your breath smell better.
The whole purpose of brushing is to disrupt plaque buildup. You donât need to brush twice a day, every day with toothpaste if you brush correctly- little circles, focusing on near the gums (where most plaque builds up). So if youâre having a bad sensory day and canât brush at all, itâs not the end of the world.
Hell, you donât even need a toothbrush if even the post-surgical ones are too harsh. Going over your teeth with the same motions using a washcloth is enough.
She wants to find a fluoride rinse that has a taste I can stand (peppermint is the only mint I can stand) but sheâs not particularly worried about it.
I go to Dr. Barr in Chicago. If you can get to the State St. Macyâs, his office is nearby. Heâs very kind and patient and really understanding of my needs as an autistic person. The hygienist, I donât know her name, announced everything she was going to do before she did it, and stopped frequently to see how I was doing.
This is really the only positive dentist Iâve ever had- past dentists have been too rough and not bothered to help find ways I can actually brush.
Basically this is a glowing recommendation for Dr. Barrâs office if youâre autistic, afraid of dentists, or have sensory needs. This is a recommendation even if you donât have any of those things.
If you were feeling guilty about your brushing habits, either due to sensory issues, pain, allergies, executive dysfunction, or just plain fatigue, hereâs what you need to know about what is and isnât necessary if your dental care!
Post-covid, I got really horrible shit going on with my gag reflex where for some reason the mint flavor of toothpaste (and only toothpaste) would make me gag so hard that Iâd throw up. Then I found a kids toothpaste thatâs like strawberry flavored or something, but it has the proper adult amount of flouride, so it works for me and I donât gag much anymore. Hereâs an article with some options if youâre like me lol
Dr. Gemma Wheeler lists best non-mint toothpaste options for adults. The list includes those that are truly non mint, without oils or aromas
Also for the people who canât stand foam, the ingredient youâre looking to avoid is called SLS.
I share this frequently, but I had a very difficult time making myself floss because I hated the way that standard floss digs into my fingers when I use it. I switched to floss picks, and boom: A hated activity instantly became entirely neutral. Much easier to convince myself to do! If you have the same problem with standard floss, this might be worth a try.
Also, my most recent trip to the dentist, I was told that xylitol is a very effective treatment for dry mouth! And also that dry mouth is bad for your teeth, because it can disrupt the PH balance in your mouth, making your teeth more susceptible to cavities. While you want to be very careful to keep any xylitol products away from dogs in particular and probably pets in general, if you have dry mouth, you can try checking for products with xylitol in them.
Of note: My brother endorses the OraNusre brand of flavorless toothpaste; he says it âtastes like toothbrushâ. My mom, meanwhile, is a fan of the Hello brand, which comes in different fruity and sweet flavors. Both of these are listed at the non-mint toothpaste link above.
If you prefer a toothpaste or a mouthwash for dry mouth, I use BiotĂšne; itâs not cheap, but brushing once a day with it, a tube of BiotĂšne toothpaste lasts me around four to five months. As far as Iâm aware, itâs only in mint flavor.
If you hate mouthwash because it burns, thereâs actually non-alcohol based mouthwashes thatâs donât have that problem! Theyâre very mild and much more sensory friendly than the other kind
I have a confession to make. Itâs definitely an unpopular opinion, but I kind of wish we didnât get this exchange in Network Effect:
I know, I know. Donât get me wrong, I understand why Martha included it. It reveals the intimacy of the scene. We get an idea of what this relationship looks like from a human perspective. It gives us a heads up that Murderbot 2.0 is a person and not just a string of code. But when you take the âyouâre making a baby togetherâ line so literally, you donât get the chance to really compare and contrast this scenario with the one in Artificial Condition, the other time Murderbot has ART alter itself. (Buckle up for some literary analysis. It gets pretty long. I included quotes!)
That first time, Murderbot changes itself so that it can pursue answers to its murky past. It wasnât a life or death situation, and Murderbot felt like it could say no and its decision would be respected. In fact, it did say no to some of the suggestions. The two situations are so different on the face of it but when you get down to their hearts both reveal the same emotional/self-improvement hurdle that Murderbot struggles to get past.
When I first read Artificial Condition, it seemed pretty obvious that Murderbot doesnât want to change itself because it doesnât want to look human, and it doesnât want to look human because it doesnât have any desire to become more human in any way. But a few rereads later this line caught me by surprise:
So yes, a part of it is that it rejects humanity outright. but another part of the reason it doesnât want to look like a human is because it thinks of humans as being people, and it still struggles to think of itself as person and not a thing. And looking more like a human makes it feel more like a person. There are a lot of things it allows itself to do/a lot of things it allows itself to be subject to expressly because it doesnât think of itself as a person. Because to treat a person like that would be unacceptable.
And then we jump forward to Network Effect. Murderbot makes a copy of its kernel. Just as a reminder, earlier in this book, ART gets deleted, and then restored from a copy of its kernel. So we have textual evidence that a kernel is essentially the digital blueprint of machine intelligence. The original and the copied kernel are functionally the same being. Murderbot then starts to construct killware code so that the kernel can carry out the functions necessary for the mission. Since this is a pretty big task being done in a time crunch where lives are at stake, it asks ART to help construct this code.
So 2.0 is not a completely new being that they created together (which is the kind of thing I would consider to be their baby). They didnât mix their kernels together to make a new person (another thing I would consider their baby). Murderbot never says that it thinks of 2.0 as its kid. Amena is the one who makes that claim.
This is how Murderbot describes their relationship right before killing it:
Two different iterations, with different capabilities. Same person, two versions. A few paragraphs previous to this, Murderbot uses that same word, iteration, to describe the different copies of TargetControlSystem:
Itâs the same word it uses in System Collapse to describe the different copies of ART:
This was something that ART tried convincing Murderbot in that first conversation they have about constructing killware:
Murderbot tries telling ART âIt wouldnât even be meâ, and ART is stunned speechless, and then says that Murderbot doesnât understand how its own identity works. This is something ART has plenty of experience with, splitting its consciousness into different iterations. It knows that they would be the same person. It says âI didnât mean youâ, not âI didnât mean our baby/kid/offspringâ. ART considers killware with Murderbotâs kernel installed to be Murderbot.
This is how 2.0 identifies itself to Three:
A rogue secunit, working with an armed transport, currently present as killware. Not killware made by a secunit and armed transport. It tells us itâs unequivocally telling the truth here, not lying to make the situation easier to digest. So I think itâs fair to say that 2.0 does not think of itself as their offspring.
It seems to me that Amena is the only one to really consider 2.0 to be their âbabyâ in the text of the book. Murderbot acquiesces to Amena that what theyâre doing is kind of like making a baby. Because 2.0 is a newly conscious separate being from the original Murderbot, but itâs still Murderbot. It calls itself Murderbot. It distinguishes itself from the original copy by tacking on 2.0 at the end of its name. It refers to Murderbotâs memories as its own. And then at the end of Network Effect, Murderbot straight up says that the analogy that it was like their baby was wrong, but ART and Amena were right about it being a person:
I went through every moment that included or was regarding 2.0, to get a better understanding of how each of the machine intelligences involved classify its identity, and how it identifies itself, but that needs to be its own separate post or this will balloon to over 5000 words.
So Murderbot is being forced to change itself by the circumstance it finds itself in. At first glance it might seem as though this is an example of Murderbot exerting its autonomy, since this time it is the one to suggest altering itself. Except thereâs no longer a choice that it can say no to, and they have no alternative ideas (can you call it a choice if you canât say no? If you have no other options?). They donât have the time to come up with any other solutions. Creating a person whose only function is to die should be unacceptable. But Murderbot allows itself to be changed in this way because when itâs put under pressure it still doesnât think of itself as a person.
Murderbot doesnât feel the same revulsion to altering its kernel as it did with its physical body, which should also feel like a point of progress, to be more open to changing itself. But unlike in Artificial Condition, these are not physical changes that end up causing it to appear/feel more like a person. It isnât getting the same kind of reminder and reinforcement of its personhood as it did in Artificial Condition. Which leads to the conclusion of the book, when the dust settles and Murderbot has had time to think about what has happened and it admits, yeah, 2.0 was a person. Because IT is a person. Which is a lesson it already knew in theory, but is having trouble with in practice. Not only was 2.0 a person, but it was a part of itself. A part of itself died at its own hand (are these pronouns getting confusing for anyone else? No? đ).
A big element of the following book is Murderbot having a negative reaction to what is essentially a waking nightmare about the trauma of losing a part of itself. System Collapse is a direct response to what happens in Network Effect, and I kind of wish that Network Effect and System Collapse were smushed together to make one larger book. I know that Martha Wells had a hard time writing TMBD after Network Effect, and I can see why. Network Effect ends with the highest stakes resolved, but none of the emotional fallout gets any resolution.
I mean, putting aside the whole suicide thing, it got left behind on a planet with no feed access! The only bot it ever called a friend was forced to act against it, and put the people it loves in danger! Its friend died! Itâs worst nightmares came true. Even if it all turned out all right in the end, going through that kind of thingâs gotta leave some emotional scars. Itâs come to the realization that thereâs stuff that it doesnât want to do (sacrifice itself to save others), but we have yet to see it actually lay down any boundaries with the people it intends to work with for the foreseeable future. Which is a shame, because I loved reading about grumpy Murderbot laying down boundaries with its PresAux people. That gave them room to show Murderbot that they were willing to make space for it. We didnât get any of that with ARTâs crew. No, actually Iâm wrong. Murderbot does give them one boundary, and itâs a boundary thatâs broken before the book begins: donât send it back down to the planet.
The whole first arc of Secunitâs story has to do with it learning to set boundaries with the people it cares about. Murderbot is struggling in ways it never has before in NE/SC, and I think that goes back to the lack of boundaries it has created with ARTâs crew. Which makes sense. It doesnât know them very well and it wants to make sure they want to work with it, so that it can stay with ART. And theyâre taking the lead from ART, who famously has no boundaries with Murderbot. But that works with them because ARTâs not a human. Murderbotâs got baggage when it comes to humans. The flashback its traumatized brain came up with was not an Ag-bot, not some kind of representation of TargetControlSystem. It wasnât some vague, monstrous fauna from one of its shows. It was of a human attacking it and taking away a part of itself. Consuming it.
i'm so glad i finally found time to sit down and read this whole post!!! great meta!! đđđ
i'm of the perspective that 2.0 simultaneously both IS and ISN'T murderbot. as you mention, it IS murderbot in the sense of its own identity/concept of self.
it ISN'T in the sense that it doesn't have the FULL extent of murderbot's trauma bc some of that is ingrained in MB's neural tissue in ways that cannot be copy/pasted. "the body keeps the score" type of thing. 2.0 carries seemingly little of MB's fears or self-hatred and on the whole has a very liberated personality, aside from its anxiety about losing access to Sanctuary Moon files. it has contextual memories, but it isn't emotionally affected by them the same way.
also, very curiously, 2.0 is completely disinterested in MB's physical SecUnit body (controlling it or otherwise backseat driving) beyond the disk space it occupies. once settled in, it just goes off into a partition and watches media when reunited with what could technically be called its "own" body. that stands starkly against murderbot who is rather attached to its body, what it can do, and being able to control it to achieve its goals. i even get the impression that it's proud of its body, and we see it be genuinely happy when it is preserved or protected (see: "i love you, armor.") i don't have the book on me to reread that part, but i also get the impression that MB does not enjoy existing on external hardware â obviously when it jumps onto the Gunship's drive, which almost destroys it â but also when ART has it sequestered on Perihelion disk space during decontamination at the end of NE. it's traumatized, yeah, but it's also not designed to operate without a connection its SecUnit body and that affects it in a way it doesn't affect 2.0. 2.0 wants security; finding and securing storage for its data is a priority, but it's not very bothered about having limbs or physical weapons.
but yes! 2.0 also IS murderbot, even if in some ways it's not!!!!
whatever it is, it's certainly not their baby. (and if it is a baby, it's murderbot's baby. ART just uh... delivered it, if we absolutely HAVE to put it in terms Amena could agree to.)
Amena called it a baby bc that's what makes sense to her young human mind. i suspect the whole baby conversation actually delayed MB from accepting their killware would be a person bc the human terminology was what disturbed it (and by extension, the very human way of perceiving its ongoing personal history of interfacing with ART), not 2.0's actual personhood.
in contrast, if Ratthi, Mensah, or any other of murderbot's initial clients had been privy to these discussions, they might have also thought the word "baby," but they'd likely have at least kept the concept to themselves, knowing murderbot would get squicked out by the human terminology. they're simply older, more familiar with MB's boundaries, and to varying degrees a little more tactful than Amena
yayyyyyy you writing this meta, i didn't know i needed this affirmed by someone else so badly!
Someone should make a disco elysium spiritual successor that takes place in a maze and follows a protagonist who has to eat all the dots in the maze whilst avoiding several ghosts
because if I wore these underwear the universe would conspire to constantly put me in situations where my pants would get pulled down or destroyed and itâs so hard to find good pants
I have a few pairs of these exact underwear, which I wore whenever possible as a camp counselor.
The reason was that, if you get pantsed, and you weren't in on the joke / it wasn't planned, that's a massive breakdown in respect and discipline, and you have to make an example of that kid (generally by wrestling them, and in serious cases, taking away candy privileges). But getting pranked is still a bad look, and makes it seem cool to rebel against your authority.
However, if you get pantsed, and you are in on the joke, everyone has a good laugh, including you, and no one was actually rebelling. It both makes you look like a cool authority figure and makes the person doing it look like they're the sort of person in cahoots with counselors. Then, if there's a behavioral issue, you can have that quiet conversation later, away from an audience.
And since those underwear are so culturally specific as punchlines in a pantsing gag that the only plausible reason to be wearing them is if you're in on a slapstick act, you can retroactively Shanghai any would-be prankster into looking like they did it with your consent and planning, which not only keeps you from indignity, it makes sure that they're rewarded by laughter and attention for looking like they're cooperating with the staff, encouraging that in the future and bringing them in from the outside of the social-reward structure you're trying to set up, where it's cool too be wacky but responsible.
That preparation effort paid off maybe four times across three years, but it was completely worth it.
The downside, of course, is that when one of your kids goes missing in a storm when it's hailing and pouring sheets of water, and you don't have many dry clothes left, you're reduced to running through the rain looking for them in your underwear, which are situationally inappropriate / jarringly comical to the full extent possible.
