That new year's eve together, where they were on the precipice of a millennium, when the whole world was ready for things to change irrevocably forever, and the two of them were together, Heedo and Yijin, the first time they were alone in his room, unplanned. There was a world full of tension just outside, anxious energy swirling about what was to come, and the two of them had their own tension simmering between them too, in that small little room, secluded in their own little world. A tension unique only to them. Alone together, not by design, but by fate; as no matter where life takes them, they always end up with each other. Everyone else had a family to go back to, to spend their last moments of the millennium with, to beckon the future with. But Heedo and Yijin had nowhere else to go and no one else available to go to for comfort. Just each other, in this room. Once again they were brought together via their isolation.
And once again their joint isolation transformed into intimacy between them. This room that felt bigger than it ever had before now that everyone had left, and yet they stayed as close as they could to each other, acutely aware of the four walls surrounding them.
Just the two of them together, side-by-side, breathing the same air, Iiving their potential last moments together. Yijin said that if the world ended he would be "fine with whatever, if it happens now," because to him, being able to spend time with her, to live till the end the world with her companionship is enough. He knows he can't ask for anything more and he's content with that. His smile to her in that moment says as much.
But for Heedo--a person who hasn't known connection and mutual affection for over eight years, who for so long thought no-one would show up for her and that she would go through life alone, and was okay with that--she's realized that she's no longer okay walking her path alone, not when she's found someone to hold on to, someone she doesn't want to let go of, someone she trusts, and someone she wants to express affection for. She wants something more than what they have now. And with a bit of her signature recklessness, she pulled their relationship forward and kissed Yijin. She was letting him know he's more than just a friend or a rainbow or scissors or a one-sided declaration of love. He is someone she has chosen to love back. Not in that liminal space between friends and lovers, but in every way she can, including romantically.
And it was a tame kiss. It was important that it was a tame kiss, but just because it was chaste doesn't mean it was passionless. The way Yijin looked at Heedo once it was over showed that there was passion and real feeling beneath his reserved reaction. He was looking at her with his whole heart. He was breathless. He felt it.
But he made sure it a one-sided kiss. He let her kiss him, he accepted her kiss, he didn't reject her, but he didn't kiss back. He purposefully held himself back, didn't deepen the kiss, and didn't take it any further. He was holding himself back just like he's trained himself to do when emotions are involved. Because any little give, any little leeway he allows himself, could lead to an unstoppable flood. He knows the tenacity he has when it comes to Heedo. When he directs that tenacity at other people, it's safe, it's to protect her. But he can't return her feelings and let that tenacity become burdensome to her; he's made it his resolve to not let any part of himself be a burden to her.
He said he wants to stay by her side and watch her grow into a great person. He's said he wants to fight for her to have only the best things in life, only the greatest experiences. He wants to shield her from any pain, from anyone who could harm her, but what if a change in their relationship turns him into someone with the potential to hurt her? Because with romance comes the potential for a break-up. Even if she's inviting him to become something more, he can't let himself be someone that holds onto her and weighs her down with the gravity of his passion. He can't let himself be torn apart from her because he let himself be reckless on this night and kiss her back and ruin what they have forever.
Not when she has the whole world in front of her. Not when she is too precious to him and he can see himself breaking the precarious balance he's created where he can be there for her but not burden her, fight for her, sacrifice himself, but not surrender himself to his own feelings, love her with his entire being, but still be afraid of anything that could change their dynamic. He can indulge her and pretend it's still raining so they can stay close under the umbrella together, fend off anyone who might hurt her, do anything and everything he can for her, except kiss her back. He'd do anything to stop her from heartache, even if that means not reciprocating the kiss.
But it's also a selfish decision to not reciprocate. Because what if opening himself up to romance with her, someone he knows is still growing and learning, tears them apart? What if she grows apart from him, learns that she doesn't want to be with him? What if she looks back on this kiss as a mistake? What if everything they have is ruined and he has to face a life without her, the person that makes him the happiest?
Yijin loves her, it's plain as day. It's as much a part of his life as waking up every day, as intrinsic to him as breathing. He loves her so much it might as well be a universal law, like the gravity he believes in so much. But kissing her back and the implications it holds is not something he is ready for yet and he doesn't know if she is ready for yet, either. What if his feelings are opened so wide that their relationship buckles under the pressure of a romantic love? What if changing their relationship dynamic eventually drives her to run away from him again? He knows the emotional weight of love and loss, and he cannot go through that again, not with her.
He can't allow himself to be any part of reckless, not when the stakes are too high, not when he's gambling ruining a future together. He's vowed to protect her at all costs, but he's protecting himself, too. He said her disappearance from his life creates a feeling that is more abject than hate, and he is protecting himself from the possibility of a future with that hate. He won't cross the line that allows for any possibility of a reality where he could lose her or risk losing the love they already have now.
So in that small room on new year's eve, the tension is high, the feelings are there, but he loves her too much to kiss her back. But he can't pull away either. All he can do is sit there and accept her for all who she is, but not give himself back. They're on a precipice together, the world didn't end, the millennium changed, and they're still living. She kissed him and created something new between them. But he's not ready for this new world. It wasn't a rejection, but it wasn't an acceptance either. At least not yet.
There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37.
Edit- I added the visualizer for this piece on my YT, check it out here
Heedo forgetting about the memories of her youth is very realistic but I'm so scared 😭😭😭
there's a quote from reply 1988 that i really love - "time will always flow. everything will pass by. that might be why youth is beautiful. it shines, blindingly bright, for just an instant. but to it, you can never go back.”
if you watch yijin in episode 10, you can see how he has tears in his eyes when watching the other 4 on the beach having fun, making memories. because for even him, that youth and happiness has passed......he now faces cruel realities of adulthood.
so, it is very realistic if 41 year old na hee do doesn't remember a beach memory that for us, the audience, seems so potent and beautiful. it is a faded memory of the past for her, locked in a photograph. it's sad and cruel almost the way it was presented, but like you said, it is very realistic.
as for the fright, i too live in constant anxiety about yijin's and baekdo's future, so you are totally not alone there fam 😂
You know what's really heartbreaking about the ending of Epidode 10 of Twenty Five Twenty One? It's a harsh reminder that even good memories fade. We always think that in life we'll remember all the good memories because really what else is there to life? What else really gives it meaning if not the good stuff? But yet, we forget. We forget not by choice but by pure circumstance. We are all helpless in the face of time.
