Raw and Exposed

Just a blog where I decide to share my feelings, pain, and what ever else comes to my mind. All my post are real, raw, and true."That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."

[purelove309]

ME TOO

I started watching this new show on YouTube called Impulse that was recommended to me by my ex. It’s a series based off a novel called Jumper. Yes, the same Jumper that movie by the same name was based on. This show follows a young teenage girl who is sexually assaulted and my heart breaks for her.

I recently came in contact with an old fling who I invited to my new apartment. We have strong sexual chemistry and knew that he would try something. Despite that fact, I enjoy conversing with him, so against my better judgement I gave him my address and invited him over. We talked for a hour or so and he started suggesting ways to help me relax such as a massage. I stayed my distance from him but he closed the gap on me. He started kissing me and I kissed backed, from there things got heated. He’s a very dominant young man. He kissed me on my neck and on my stomach. He grabbed my boobs. Now I will not lie, I was turned on. I love a dominant man. My body wanted him, my mind said no. My mind and my mouth said no over and over. My mouth said please, my mouth said don’t do this. My mouth said this is not what i want over and over. At some point he got my panties and shorts down and I continued to say no. Eventually he gave up and I walked him out.

There were so many mixed emotions going on. I was extremely turned on and he knew it which added fuel to the fire. I’m still in love with my ex so I could not allow myself to have sex with another. Thoughts ran rampant through my mind.  Part of me was scared. I was scared that this man was going to have his way with me and not take no for an answer. I was scared of being raped and having him thinking it was consensual due to my carnal desire. I thought to myself that this is going to be. That this was going to be my life now. 

No matter how turned on someone is or seems no means no.

[lronbear]

the Purest Scene™

[purelove309]

Rape or Consent?

Lately I’ve been thinking about the situation that took place in July. My one night stand. I was in a situation where I was extremely drunk. I had one too many margaritas and I could barely walk by myself. I wasn’t black out drunk, but there are certain aspects of that night that I don’t remember. Now like I stated in my other post named “My one night stand Pt. 1″

This guy said he wanted some tequila so I took him back to my hotel room. He knew that there was tequila in the room which is why he said he wanted some. He wanted to get me back to the room. We talk a little I was sitting on the bed and he was standing. He slowly made his way over to the bed. He sat down and we talked a little and then he started kissing on my neck. Now I did not want to have sex with him. I did say no a couple of times like when he started to lift up my dress. It wasn’t a firm NO it was more of a soft nooooo. He still pursued and eventually I gave in.

Now the confusing part for me is that I enjoyed every minute of it. We even had sex again a month later, but I also had 2 long island ice Ts and some beer as well. My morality said no because I did not want to have sex with a guy I just met. If I wasn’t drunk, I would have been too nervous to talk to him let alone bring him back to my room. So now here it is 8 months later and I am really learning more about consent and rape and what is mean to be able to consent.

10/10 I would have sex with him again, but that initial night has me confused.

[purelove309]

One night stand update

So there’s this guy I previously talked about in my post called my One Night Stand Pt. 1. I guess you can say this is an update. About a month later we ended up going out to dinner, bowling, and he got a hotel room for us. Weeks after that we stopped talking because we literally only talked on the weekend. I wanted just a little bit more than that. What if I was having a terrible Monday? I couldn’t talk to him about it. He basically told me to have a nice life.Let’s just say that this was September of 2016. We never talked again until recently. I slid into is Instagram DMs to try and catch up. Lets be honest though, I really just wanted the D. I asked him if he was seeing anybody and he said yeah. That slightly disappointed me. He ended up texting me a couple of days later asking when was the next day that I was free. Maybe he just wants to catch up. I know what my intentions were but what are his. If you’re seeing someone what reason do you have to catch up with someone that you hooked up with a couple of times?

[purelove309]

My one night stand pt. 1

About a month ago I met a guy in a club. It was my friends 21st birthday celebration. He was invited by a mutual friend with the intention of meeting me. By the time he got to the club I was already too drunk to function. I had about 4 or 5 really strong margaritas. I can’t remember much of the night, but he came back to the casino with us where I basically dumped my life story on him. I had only had sex with 2 guys at that time. I was sheltered. I lived a rough life. Etc.

He wanted a drink so I invited him back to the room. We talked a little bit more and then he started making moves. PAUSE. Let me give you my internal thoughts. “No no no I don’t want to do this” on the other hand, I hadn’t had sex in 2 years. I was genuinely interested in him and I didn’t want to ruin it by being “easy,” so I told him. He said he doesn’t think of sex like that. He thinks of sex as being a soulful/spiritual connection. In the back of my mind I’m still saying no, but my body said yes and my body won. He woke up the next morning and left before check out and said he would call me. Later that day, I had so many conflicting thoughts. The 1st one being “Did he take advantage of the situation/me?” I was a drunk female, him? Not so much. I texted him the next day apologizing for whatever I might have said. (Sidenote: I found out 2 weeks later that I told him that I was thankful for him during sex. How embarrassing!) He said he had a great time with me and that he could see us going further together. The 2nd thought being, did I really just do that! I’m a quiet, reserved, shy, girl. I was waiting until I had a boyfriend for sex. A one night stand was definitely out of character for me.

I was confused but content at the same time. My itch had been scratched. I thought that if I never heard from him again then it would be ok because I didn’t really know him. I tried to make right of the situation even though it went against every thing that I believed about sex. I thought that I had to have an emotional connection with a guy before I ever had sex with him. So yeah 2 totally different ends if the spectrum.

Part 2 coming soon It’ll probably be about what is happening now.

[purelove309]

Be Strong for how long?

I'm 22 years old and today I cut myself ongoing purpose for the first time. Why? I don't know. The emotional pain just felt so overwhelming. My mind was screaming to be let out and there was nowhere for it to go. I've been strong for 22 years and after so many thoughts of suicide and so many thoughts of cutting I finally caved. My environment is so toxic and I'm gasping for air. Who do I talk to? Everyone always tell me that they're here for me, yet I always feel overwhelmingly lonely. Help me.

[purelove309]

What he tells you and what he tells them

Be careful when talking to a guy. Make sure what he's telling you and what he's telling his friends match up. In my situation we share the same best friend and other friends, so he fucked up. He was telling me how much he liked me, how much he cared about me. His friends outside of our bestfriend knew nothing about it. I heard from our bestfriend that 1st he said he never liked me. Then 3 months later he said he liked me for a minute, but doesn't like me anymore. I'm sitting looking stupid because almost 2 weeks ago he said if his current "endeavor" doesn't work out, I would be the first one he comes to. Like what? He stopped watching porn because he was having dreams about me, but he doesn't like me though? We sexted and he loved it, but he doesn't like me though? He got my mind twisted up thinking something is wrong with me, but he's just a fucking liar.

[purelove309]

Boys Are Crappy Pt. 3

Let me tell you about this one guy in my life. We will call him Clark. I had known Clark for almost 2 years before I started to pursue him. The timing was always off. When I finally did he expressed to me how attractive I was, and that I was one of a kind. After pushing the issue a few times, he finally told me that he had a lot of stuff going on and he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I believed him because he’s a really nice guy and By nice guy I mean, he’s one of those guys that girls break up with for being too nice. Through our mutual friend (our bestfriend) I found out that Clark was pursuing someone else. Imagine my surprise. I didn’t care that he was talking to someone else, I just felt lied to. After weeks of him saying he likes me, talking about sex, sexting, he never mentioned anything to me. After our bestfriend birthday function I confronted him in a text. He broke down about how he didn’t want to lose me and he cares about me alot. He said he was a shitty person and he’s so sorry. At this point I forgave him and we are still friends. Pieces of me are breaking everytime I spend time with him because I know he can’t be mine. I can’t seem to separate myself from him. I can’t seem to get over him. I never would have thought that he could have done something like this. This is coming from a guy who said he would carry his (future) wife for a week after she gives birth so she wouldn’t be in pain. Was I not good enough? Was she better? What did I do wrong?

[purelove309]

My feelings

I'm at that point in my life where I've been single for a long time and I am craving some type of intimate connection with a guy. I work at a place where I see thousands of people every day. There are a ton of hot guys, usually coupled with girls, and families. Have you ever been surrounded by people and still felt so alone. I think I'm missing that guy by my side.

[purelove309]

My Heart is Open

Recently I told a friend of mine that I wanted to feel loved by a man. His response was that you can get the same kind of love from friends and family. Even though I have never been in love, I can tell that it is a different kind of love. I am a hopeless romantic. I am in love with the idea of love. I love movies like Leap Year, Letters to Juliet, and When in Rome. Seeing people in love makes me endlessly happy, yet sad at the same time because I have not experienced it. There have been a few guys who I really liked, but that’s about it. Sometimes those feelings were not even returned. Currently I am pining after my manager. I imagine that this is a one sided thing and that he’s not interested in me, but I just don’t know. He told me that I have a smile that lights up a room. He has bumped me 3 times on purpose and laughs about it. We even joked about some girl who looked terrible in Yoga pants. I could easily see myself getting to know him outside of work. I’m going to be quitting soon and it’s so hard because I’m going to miss seeing and working with him, but now is my chance right? I should take risks. I should tell him how I feel, but I’m not that kind of girl. I’m too shy to put myself out there, especially to him. He’s 29 and I’m 21. The age difference intimidates me. I’m just beginning my, where as he’s a grown ass man already. I just don’t know what to do.

[purelove309]

[purelove309]

am i good eNOugh?

Just like millions of other people in today's society I have fallen victim to a television show rising in popularity week to week. The show I'm talking about is called Empire. If you're familiar with the show there's a song that's a product of the show called Good Enough by Jussie Smollett. In the song he's basically looking for his father's acceptance of his homosexuality. That seems to overshadow everything he does and nothing is good enough for his father.

This song speaks to my soul because I suffer from the inferior complex where I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel like my parents hold me on a pedestal. It's like I can do no wrong. That's a stressful way to live because every decision I make I'm constantly worrying if it's good enough to please them. My dad is always pushing me to do better. When I got 3 3.9s (College GPA) it still wasn't good it enough. It wasn't a 4.0. It's a hard life to live when you're constantly begging for someone's acceptance.

[purelove309]

Change is good. Change is long.

When you know that you are totally unhappy with yourself, at what point do you decide to totally reinvent yourself? I've come to that conclusion. There's so many changes that I plan to make within the next 3-5 years. I say 3-5 years because I know I'm not ready right now. It's gonna take some confidence to do what I want to do, or I can stay in the house as long as possible. I'm so overdue for a total makeover. I'm looking forward to it.

[purelove309]

2014 Reflection

2014 was a really low year for me. In early January I contemplated committing suicide because the loneliness that I felt was just so unbearable. I even have suicide notes to both my parents typed in my ipod. I didn’t get into nursing school this year which set me another year behind in school. I lost all type of self respect and pride for giving it up to a boy who so easily played the hell out of me. I was mentally and emotionally lost. To add on to that I had a pregnancy scare. I’ll never forget that situation. I’ll never forget the euphoric feeling during and the heartache of the following weeks. I’m so happy to say goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015. Maybe my life will have meaning again. It’ll be my 21st year of life and I can’t wait to see what unfolds.

[purelove309]

Falling in love

Falling in love scares the hell out of me. I have short term bouts of mild depression where I'll be fine one week and depressed the next. My depression comes from being alone. I go to a medium sized university and I have no friends. I don't talk to anyone unless I have to. The only time I really interact with people is at my job which I work 3 days a week.

I usually get depressed because there's a lack of close social interaction in my life. Sometimes I feel so lonely that I literally text or call everyone in my phone just to get someone to talk to me. If I'm unsuccessful I start getting depressed or if I do find someone to talk to it's not enough. I crave more like I'm withdrawing from a drug.

When I'm depressed I usually curl up in my bed and listen to music that makes me cry. If I don't have work or class I stay in the bed all day. Crying is my release it get all my feelings out. I just discovered Brit Nelson - When she cries and I had a really good cry. I haven't had one in a while. I don't self harm, but I've thought about it. I've also considered suicide multiple times.

I'm scared to fall in love because literally my life could be in his hands. I imagine a boy who will be there for me whenever I need him. I believe in fairytale love and happy ever afters. I know it's naive, but I'm a hopeless romantic so what can I say. I think that when I do fall for someone I will fall hard. I put 100% into everything that I do, and that includes relationships. What If I give this guy all of me and he breaks my heart. This guy who was my constant for however long is now gone from my life. I will have no one again. I will have went from having someone I'm in love with to having my heartbroken. It would be like falling from the roof of a five story building onto concrete. I don't think I would be able to pull myself out of the pits of the darkest corners of my life. Fear of Heartbreak, they should have an official phobia for that.

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[purelove309]

I'm lowkey crazy but no one needs to know

[purelove309]

-Almost Lover

Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do