Mediocore At Best

local raccoon enthusiast

[considerablecolors]

DECEMBER 24TH 9PM

EASTERN STANDARD TIME

FROM HERE ON IN

I SHOOT WITHOUT A SCRIPT

SEE IF ANYTHING COMES OF IT

(INSTEAD OF MY OLD SHIT)

FIRST SHOT ROGER

[tanukipost]

i never crave sandwiches but i could fuck up an italian sub right now

[catmask]

[soundtestmenu]

[ghoul-wizard]

Wells are a type of wizard tower, they're just inverted

[miss-wizard]

w. looks around nervously. wizard hole

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

Hmmm yes we’ll endorse that

[axziom13]

[prokopetz]

If you ever feel like you must be the most unobservant person in the world, remember: I once spent half a year failing to notice that my new favourite restaurant was a money-laundering front for the Ukrainian mafia.

(I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect, the fact that it was always dead no matter the time of day - I think the busiest I ever saw it was five people, myself included - well, that should have been a tipoff. Also, the waitstaff kept calling me “Mr. Prokopetz”, which I had assumed was just part of the restaurant’s gimmick, but given that “Prokopetz” is a Ukrainian surname, I’m now force to wonder whether they’d thought I was, you know, in the business. I just liked the pierogi!)

[moonbelowsea]

What I need to know is how on earth did OP finally realize his favorite restaurant was a money-laundering front for the mafia.

[prokopetz]

I’d like to say I put together the clues, but in reality, I just showed up one day to find that the place had been indefinitely shut down, and later learned it was because the managers had all been arrested.

[andersonsallpurpose]

What I really want to know is how good the food was?

[prokopetz]

Excellent, if your tastes run to the “heavy cream and too much garlic” end of the spectrum.

[toloveviceforitself]

Every crime front I’ve ever eaten at has had completely amazing food, honestly. I am pretty convinced that if you want to open a front, you don’t choose “restaurant” as your front-business unless you have a relative who loves to cook.

[prokopetz]

It tickles me that this is evidently a sufficiently common experience that people find it relatable. (Seriously, check the notes!) We should write reviews or something.

[onewit-torulethem-all]

did I just read the line “every crime front I’ve ever eaten at” with my own two eyes

[toloveviceforitself]

Look, I went to college and lived my early adulthood in a town whose entire thing was import/export, and we had a lot of restaurants that were suspiciously empty except when they were closed and filled with very serious men in nice clothes.

They were usually run by someone who was about the right age to be some adult’s parents or grandparents, and in the case of the two Korean restaurants matching this description, they didn’t speak English. Universally though, they were very pleased to see customers, very proud of their cooking, and very very interested in keeping us far away from the aforementioned serious men in nice clothes. And despite having huge dining rooms and never having more than a couple customers, they never went out of business.

Also, because I am very, very stupid and sometimes don’t think before I talk, I once said loudly, over the phone, while sitting in one of these places, “Hey! Yeah if you want to meet us, we’re eating at [place]. You know…[place]? You totally know it. The Front, on Warwick st!”

The looks I got from every single employee were amazing and then I left.

[cat--77]

We had a corner store/deli-place near our apartment in college. Everyone knew they were in on something and no one cared because they looked out for their customers and their neighborhood as a whole.

They started stocking my favorites because I mentioned them within hearing range once, would tell their “vendors” to move out of the way if we stopped in. I walked a different route home and got harassed one night and they asked after me. When they found out what happened, they declared “Consider it taken care of, you should never be afraid around here.” Never happened again.

Everyone needs their friendly neighborhood crime lord.

[friendlyfrankenstein]

This is both my favorite and makes me fondly remember home. Less of the  eateries, more of the mysterious retail joints that never seem to close despite no one ever buying anything, though. Well. Aside from the juice bar. Didnt last, though. 

[jupiterjames]

I found these places everywhere I lived. My favorite was an omurice place near my home in Japan, and a mother/son officially ran it. The food was incredible, and one night I was there and there was a boisterous crowd of BLATANTLY yakuza men eating and drinking. They started talking to me, and were super nice. Said they wanted to “practice their English,” and paid for my food and drinks and then said they wanted to take me to karaoke. That was a little alarming, but the mother/son, who seriously looked after me as the only foreigner in the area, said I should go, and the son came along. So we piled into a white landboat Cadillac and partied until dawn.

One of the older men at the party took me to my neighborhood and dropped me off out front (the car was literally too big to fit down the small neighborhood streets) and said that I had his blessing.

Which was confusing, but I was drunk, so whatever. Then I went back to the restaurant about a week later and the mother said, “the family approves of you. You may marry our son if you wish and be welcomed.”

I did not marry him, but wow. There were no hard feelings, either. They still helped out if I got harassed by the cops (which happened a lot in these smaller towns with no foreigners) or anything like that.

And to this day, no omurice has ever compared.

[rylandsgrace]

Barbie (2023) // The Good Place (2016-2020)

[bellossom]

me when I "mysteriously" feel better after I "have something to eat"

[ihatethisgaywebsite-deactivated]

this tweet hasn't left my mind once in the two years since it's been posted

[deepspacefive]

Today, we get to reblog this

[myclericalromance]

i went to a tiny counterserve diner once and accidentally poured sugar instead of salt all over my hashbrowns and was eating them sadly anyways. the waitress took them away and started making me another one and I tried to protest, but she just snorted and said "we're not catholic here". now every time i'm doing something painful out of obligation i think about how that is not repenting, this body is not a catholic establishment, there is no nobility in suffering.

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

ok I need to settle an argument with my family: do Flaw and Floor sound the same?

yes, they are pronounced the same

no, they are pronounced differently

Voting ended onApr 29, 2023

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

you're all mentally deranged i want you to know that

[dean-belongs-with-lisa]

Flaw is pronounced like straw, and floor is pronounced like store

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

"floor" and "store" are entirely incomparable in the fact that store has a hard T and I don't believe in the existence of a hard L

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

shutup. you are all completely wrong

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

I am going to wreck precise and meticulous havoc on every organ you possess

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

ok I need to settle an argument with my family: do Flaw and Floor sound the same?

yes, they are pronounced the same

no, they are pronounced differently

Voting ended onApr 29, 2023

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

you're all mentally deranged i want you to know that

[dean-belongs-with-lisa]

Flaw is pronounced like straw, and floor is pronounced like store

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

"floor" and "store" are entirely incomparable in the fact that store has a hard T and I don't believe in the existence of a hard L

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

shutup. you are all completely wrong

[im-a-goat-in-disguise]

I am going to wreck precise and meticulous havoc on every organ you possess

[troubledminnesotan]

Doodled some tasty desserts for a warm up and now I hunger

[skodasforge]

Yes we need more chaste twee baby gay romances like heartstopper and yes we also need more shows where men fuck raw to express their love for one another like Élite and yes we need more toxic gays having hate sex like Interview with the Vampire and yes we need more incidental gay characters like the dads in cartoons like Owl House.

It's not a competition! It's a hoard and I'm like a gay little Smaug.

[cir-c]

the normalization of porn in mainstream media is a weird take to have

[skodasforge]

Normalization of gay desire and yes, even gay sex, is paramount to gay liberation actually.

[foxbirdy]

A short comic I made about my experiences as a seasonal worker, and the way places change you.

Prints & PDF

[bogleech]

For people who weren't sure what indictment means, it means trump officially has to be arrested and processed next, mugshots and everything. He might come willingly but it'd be so funny if they had to chase him a little.

[cuteautumn]

TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEN!!!

[vxpo]

Tomorrow is March 28th

[yeahishipitbitch]