#Hospolyf

Relatable posts about my life working in hospitality and retail. Barista, cook, waiter, checkout chick, hero.

[m4ge-deactivated20210331]

i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream

[90stvqueen]

you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said “i have 5 kids”

[antidarkmattermaker]

I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said “I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again.

[anais-ninja-bitch]

new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks

[katjohnadams]

Actual conversation I had at register: “Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?”

“How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?”

“Oh. uh. Well, it’d be I suppose… I only have a button for a Quad. I don’t have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single… drink.”

“Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?”

*deep breath of fear* “It’d be a quad with,” *clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-”

“Taste means nothing to me.”

At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.

“Oh. Well, okay.” I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be _____.”

She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it.

“Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?”

My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma’am.”

“How many can I add?”

Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.”

“One then.”

I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was … not something to be spoken aloud.

My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No.”

The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone I expect of Admirals in bad movies, “Yes.”

My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. 

The barista was damn near shaking. This woman’s gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place.

Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup.

Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that.

When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about “The Company” as if we’d never l, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, 

“Yeah, I had one like that.”

[babylizard-blog]

no homo. we’re fresh out. we should get a new shipment in on monday

[knightzoned]

can you check in the back

[queercafechick]

A customer, after carefully wrapping their hand in cloth, punching through the window, reaching through to unlock the door which emits a burglar alarm when you open it, and flicking on the lights to illuminate an empty building in the midnight hours: are you open?

[dailyjackiechan]

cashiers don’t actually care what you buy you could buy a fork a toaster and a bath plug and i wouldnt notice all i’m thinking abt is “in five min it will be one hour until two hours before i can go home”

[klefable]

i love little kids that share too much information. today a girl came in with her mom to order food and i told her i liked her dress. she said “thanks my mom stole it from target”

[milkmynk]

Mom, chatting to family : “Oh, that dress was on sale at Target for 80% off! It was an absolute steal!”

Little girl, internally memos : “Mom stole this dress”

[ausprole-deactivated20210629]

So I work at a retail shop and today the phone rang and I can dfinitely say it was the weirdest request I’ve had yet.

“Hi can you get me some fried chicken?” “No sorry this is the ABC Shop.” “Yeah, do you sell food? Can you get me some fried chicken?” No, we sell books and dvds and so on, we don’t do good as we’re the ABC Shop.“ “Yeah I know, we’ve established that, but can you order me some fried chicken?” “No.” “Well why not?” “Because we’re a retail store, we don’t sell food.” “Well can I order some pizza? "No, I don’t know if you understand but we don’t sell food.” “Look I just want to order some food why can’t you do that for me?” “Because we’re a retail store, I’d suggest you try Dominos or KFC.” “No I can’t, just dear I their number.” “Well why not? You just said it surely you have their numbers.” “No I don’t, but they sell food.” “That’s unacceptable.” “Unfortunately I can’t help you, have a nice day.”

Oh the joys of customer service.

[ausprole-deactivated20210629]

Update: Have a guess who called back minutes later.

[rufflet]

Angry customer: “Well maybe I’ll just take my business somewhere else!”

Me:  

[shittyidea]

A restaurant where the guests have to serve the waitstaff

[bey]

Don’t invite me anywhere last minute I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed

[bana05]

This is legit and people don’t realize it.

[noahwyles]

“hey what are you doing?” “nothing”  “oh great! so you are avaliab-” “no you don’t understand. I’m doing nothing.” 

[embyrr922]

I’m doing nothing. Actively. It’s important.

[captainsblogsupplemental]

Me in work when someone asks me to do my job

[fuck-customers]

[showerthoughtsofficial]

I’ve probably wiped more of other people’s piss off of toilet seats than my own.

[ruinedchildhood]

[shittyidea]

Pour hot coffee on a customer to prove it’s hot

[queercafechick]

"um excuse me, but are you sure that you made that HOT? I asked for it h o t"

"nah I just burned my palm checking the temperature til it was too hot to touch to make you a warm coffee"

[truckhole-deactivated20181203]

pro tip, u do not have any banter about chip cards that your cashier hasn’t already heard just do not say anything about the chip to your poor cashier, if u even think about saying “it’s different everywhere you go!” theyll hope u die

[strongbadgmail]

don’t ever banter with a cashier. they want you to die as soon as you walk in

[strongbadgmail]

being on register is like playing a game where youve heard all the possible dialogue already and youre just smashing buttons so the dialogue goes away faster

[just-shower-thoughts]

Screaming and yelling at customer service is like punching a monitor when your CPU fucks up

[queercafechick]

Who took this literal actual picture of me at work?? And seriously, what are y'all doing with all those bananas?? Do you actually eat them? Or are they going off in your fruit bowl, just like mine do if I aspire to eat them by bringing some home.