DUNGEONS AND DADDIES / EP 1 : A MAN AND A HANDSHAKE
𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐫 𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠.
lines taken from an actual play d&d podcast, you can check out here
I’m sorry, I laugh every time I hear it.
Uh, you might find a good use for those condoms on the course of this adventure.
If not in one way, then another.
You’re like our dad, the dad of dads.
I’m the dad of dads. I’m daddy daddy.
Yo, man, play it cool, dawg.
Ah, hey, yeah, what’s up man? How’s it goin’? Are you, uh, are you my ride?
Uh, yeah, uh, can you come here? Can we talk for a second? We’ll be right with you, young man! Can you get over here?
Okay, uhhhh, yeah, no smoking in your car, I dig that. Alright man, your car, your rules.
On the scale from, like, 1 to 20, what kind of dankness are we looking at here, weed wise?
Uhhh, hey man, where’d you, uh, where’d you get that?
I’m very hungry and I kinda wanna fuck!
Uh, yeah man, I dig it. Well, uh, just tellin’ ya, this poindexter drivin’ the car over here doesn’t want you, uh—
He sounds like a fuckin’ narc.
You know what? I’m just gonna take that— why don’t we just put it in the mailbox for, uh, it’ll be our little secret.
We don’t want our mailman finding that, haha!
I feel like I’m fuckin’ bonding with my kid already!
Is this what fuckin’ being a parent is like? Because fuckin’ sign me up, this sounds great!
Hey, I hope you know, I ain’t no narc. I party occasionally too, it’s just, you know, in front of the kids…maybe someday we could, you know...anyways! That’s not important, I just don’t want you to think I’m-
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Power! Power! Power!”
I will make you a naked tree! A naked tree that I will then punch!
How would you like if someone ripped off your skin without consent?
I’m gonna need you guys to be real buddies and listen to Dad now, alright?
Challenge accepted, fatherrrrrrr!
Hey there, man, it’s just about being polite, you can tell a lot about a man from a handshake!
It was born from my brain!
I’m a little bit, uh, hazed out from the strength of the previous, aforementioned blunt.
We’re gonna be very respectful and we’re gonna be very positive, and then we’re gonna go out and we’re gonna have a wonderful time today. Can you say that, can you say we’re gonna go out and have a wonderful time today?
Yeah? What was the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
I burned down my first school!
[strained laughter] He didn’t burn down the /entire/ school, the fire damage was limited to one or two classrooms.
Okay, alright, who wants Grape-Nuts? I’ve got a baggy of grape nuts with me.
Well, I’m gonna be snacking on my Grape-Nuts and if anyone wants some, just let me know if you want some of these nuts and we’ll chow down.
Relationships are built on trust, that’s what you tell me. You should trust that we’re going to buckle up!
You know, I’m tryna’ let them make their own decisions, it’s called free-range parenting.
Well I guess somebody’s not getting their instant oatmeal.
Daddy? I mean, [name]? Is that you?
Listen...pal...I know that I haven’t been there for you. Because I wasn’t married to your wife, I mean to your mom, before your dad died. I’ve written several letters trying to emote on paper what I can’t always do in person and you know, I’m working on that.
[name?] [name], I was informed to tell you not to get in vans with strangers.
That’s my little joke, I’m a teetotaler myself but I like to say “neat,” you know and it makes me feel neat.
No, it’s okay, safety is not a priority—
Alright, I’m puttin’ on 60s and 70s greatest hits as we go.
Don't worry, I know how much gas my van has, don't worry about it.
Pretty good place to drop. You just don’t know how to shoot people, but that’s fine.
Okay now hold still and let me put these bandaids on. Okay, hold still!
Aw, I think I’m gonna throw up...the iodine
I can’t help but— do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park where Ellie Satler, the very attractive Laura Dern, is looking at the leaves and she notices that the leaves are different and that’s kinda the first clue that something strange is going on!
I thought ‘cause you were dabbing, you were Fornite dabbing.
Oh, modifications, alright. Black market modifications.
Guys, it’s pretty weird out here.
See, I’m not quite sure if this is an LSD flashback or event, so I’m just gonna be a little vague here.
Do you just yell your own name when you’re excited?
That’s what I’m saying. I don’t trust these people.
Guys, which dad do you think has the biggest dingdong?
Woah there gentlemen, watch where you’re shooting that thing!
You’ve gotta be kiddin— [dying noise]
[name], I'm in the middle of battle. I'm wondering what I should do?
Uh, probably die. That sounds like something you would do.
[deep and angry] Sorry for the language.
Not possible, my man. Not a real number, not possible.
God damn it, I knew we shouldn’t have come back for the adults! I knew it!
[muttering] They’re twist-offs, they’re twist-offs…
[slurred] Give me one good reason not to gut ya like a pig right here….
[sighs] Guys, this is tough but I feel like we’re a team. I think we can do this if we all stick together.
“Just pretend you don’t see me feeling things.”
[low] You’re ridin’ in back with me, kemosabe.
[quiet and scared] Ooh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no…
[extreme stammering] Uh, let’s talk about something else! I don’t know— it’s been a long day, uh, let’s talk about something else.
I feel like that’s pretty much the only thing I wanna talk about. You had vines shot out of you.
Do you still have the condoms?
You know, I think maybe something’s happening to me and I’m still trying to get my bearings on it, so I would really enjoy it if you guys respected my privacy and let me work through what’s going on on my own.
So I’m gonna go ahead and put 10 condoms on my fingers for the time being, just to make sure that nothing bad happens.
I don’t wanna make any more messes in here, so you can consider me condomed up.
Ha! It’s been awhile since I’ve had a laugh, I appreciate a good joke…
[yelling] I’m wearing the condoms!
Sorry, sorry I’m just a little sensitive about the changes that are happening to my body, so--
This is some Lord of the Rings shit right here, y’all.
He, generally, is known as one of the best cultivators of non-voluntary work in this part of the continent.
You’re using a lot of elitist language.
That’s an extremely offensive way to put what my master does…
Well, yeah, agree to disagree, but I feel like they’re probably more useful in the workforce.
Listen up, you big alpha jock piece of shit bozo!
I think I dig where you’re goin’, man, I think I got this.
Okay, I feel like you’re being pretty aggro on me right now, I knew I flew off the handle at you there but—
You’re right, I’m sorry man. It’s been a tough day for both of us.
I just don’t feel like this is a music kinda guy, I don’t feel like this guy pumps a lot of tuneskis.
No, no! He can’t take it back, he can’t take it back! I feel something!
I silence his dumb ass with a kiss!
Something tingles deep down inside of me and I feel love for the first time in a long time, when he puts his mouth on mine.
Snakes are natural predators, we had to put down our purebred Dachshund because he got bit by a snake. This is a game replicating that exact same experience… uh, it will make you so strong and powerful, it’ll make me cry… about my Dachshund.
Thank you, my Number One.
You may keep this receipt of the pact that we have made.
It’s constantly kinda screaming in horror. [very quiet and gentle] Aaah.
Woah, sorry, I slipped there. Been drinking a little bit—
Holy shit, that’s the best you got? This is so bad!
[whispered] What the fuck are you doing?
[yelling] Are you fucking kidding me!?
Hey, do we think that [name]’s handshake or his kiss is more trustworthy?
Oh, thanks everybody, sorry I introduced the kissing thing as something we have to maintain now as part of our cover.
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